It turns out that when you add uncontrollable hormonal crazy to someone who feels like she already spends a good deal of effort trying - with varying degrees of success - to walk the normal line, it's practically soul-sucking.
I am so fucking sick of being pregnant. And I'm not even halfway done.
You can hate me for saying this. Go ahead. I feel like a huge asshole for feeling this way.
But I do.
I want my body back. I'm tired of feeling thick and bloated and ugly, and not having any idea what might or might not fit tomorrow.
Or today. I haven't gotten dressed yet. Because I can't stop crying enough to leave the house anyway.
I am tired of my body being totally out of my control. I want to go for a really hard run. I want to lift weights, but not the oh, careful, low-weight-high-reps that I'm doing now. I want the kind of workout that leaves you totally shattered exhausted and feeling good about yourself.
I'm tired of not ever feeling good about myself.
I want to shit with some regularity. And to stop having to worry in the office that someone is going to drop in right after I've farted - which is like, all the time - and I'll die of embarrassment before they die of asphyxiation.
But most of all. I AM TIRED OF THE EXTRA CRAZY.
It's not like I had all that great a grip on my emotions before, you know?
I have been crying hysterically, and I mean HYSterically, all morning. I cannot stop crying. Typing this makes me cry. Thinking about it makes me cry harder.
I suppose on the upside, I have a lot of practice with crying. So even sobbing, I can make a kick-ass cappuccino.
But I had plenty of crazy before this started. I have enough variability in my emotions without adding the pregnant. I have always cried enough. I was never the person you'd turn to when you wanted a rational answer to an emotional situation.
I feel insane. Like, losing a grip insane. Not just, ha ha ha, I'm mad at Nick for using Splenda when I wanted sugar.
More like, I'm so fucking tired of this I hate this maybe I can't do this maybe I am just not the right person for this job.