Saturday, February 21, 2009

And to top it off I was genuinely considering using Britney Spears lyrics for a title

It turns out that when you add uncontrollable hormonal crazy to someone who feels like she already spends a good deal of effort trying - with varying degrees of success - to walk the normal line, it's practically soul-sucking.

I am so fucking sick of being pregnant. And I'm not even halfway done.

You can hate me for saying this. Go ahead. I feel like a huge asshole for feeling this way.

But I do.

I want my body back. I'm tired of feeling thick and bloated and ugly, and not having any idea what might or might not fit tomorrow.

Or today. I haven't gotten dressed yet. Because I can't stop crying enough to leave the house anyway.

I am tired of my body being totally out of my control. I want to go for a really hard run. I want to lift weights, but not the oh, careful, low-weight-high-reps that I'm doing now. I want the kind of workout that leaves you totally shattered exhausted and feeling good about yourself.

I'm tired of not ever feeling good about myself.

I want to shit with some regularity. And to stop having to worry in the office that someone is going to drop in right after I've farted - which is like, all the time - and I'll die of embarrassment before they die of asphyxiation.

But most of all. I AM TIRED OF THE EXTRA CRAZY.

It's not like I had all that great a grip on my emotions before, you know?

I have been crying hysterically, and I mean HYSterically, all morning. I cannot stop crying. Typing this makes me cry. Thinking about it makes me cry harder.

I suppose on the upside, I have a lot of practice with crying. So even sobbing, I can make a kick-ass cappuccino.

But I had plenty of crazy before this started. I have enough variability in my emotions without adding the pregnant. I have always cried enough. I was never the person you'd turn to when you wanted a rational answer to an emotional situation.

And now?

I feel insane. Like, losing a grip insane. Not just, ha ha ha, I'm mad at Nick for using Splenda when I wanted sugar.

No.

More like, I'm so fucking tired of this I hate this maybe I can't do this maybe I am just not the right person for this job.

42 comments:

  1. (((hugs)))

    get thee some sleep or spa time stat. :-)

    this is completely normal. trust me, i started the countdown at week 6 when my morning sickness started.

    you will be fine! it will be over before you know it. and then you'll be all, "yay, i'm not pregnant anymore!"

    and between that and holding your new, precious little baby, it will all be worth it. i promise.

    (((hugs)))

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  2. Thank you thank you mrsmac. I still feel like a crazy person, but it makes me feel a hell of a lot better that someone I know is a good, loving mom is telling me this is normal.

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  3. I don't have kids, but my friends all say this is normal! Sleep, do whatever makes you happy! And take deep breaths!!!!

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  4. I remember telling Chris that I didn't hate everything, just in case I were to launch a sobbing tirade in 5 or 10 minutes. Sort of like when the werewolf is still human and begs you NOT TO OPEN THE DOOR NO MATTER WHAT YOU HEAR.

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  5. I feel for you - from weeks 14 to about 17, I was exactly the same way. Completely psychotic. it's amazing that my husband stuck around, to be honest with you. I think it has something to do with the hormones starting to finally level off. Then you'll be fine up until the last month and when your body is getting ready to go into labor the hormones start up again. At least, that's how it was for me - weeks 18 through about 35 were pretty awesome...I actually kind of enjoyed being pregnant. It was surprising for me considering I always envisioned myself as a crabby, snappy pregnant chick.

    It sucks - I totally agree. Hopefully things start leveling out for you soon.

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  6. Big hug! Being honest about how you feel, feeling upset when you are upset - is good. I'm a crier too and always feel so much better after tears are shed.

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  7. Lisa, we love you. No one is forcing us to read your blog. You're not getting paid based on the number of hits you get. So if we read, it's because we think your particular world view is interesting and enjoyable. I personally think you're brave for admitting a lot of stuff that many many people (including myself) would never have the balls to say to our friends, let alone to complete strangers who are reading it without the benefit of background and nuance.

    That said, I have absolutely no experience in the matter, so I can't give you any pregnancy advice. What I can tell you is that you have an awful lot of people rooting for you. And that is an awesome thing. Besides, I think you're tougher than you realize - you don't get stuff to deal with that you can't handle. :)

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  8. I liked being pregnant, and I still had days of uncontrollable feeling shitty about everything.

    We want more kids and the idea of being pregnant again, tired again and all of the other shit pushes my timeline way back.

    Pregnancy isn't for sissies. Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself.

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  9. Jules - Ah, thank you. It's good your friends have been so candid!

    Susan - I LOVE this! This is precisely what it's like. Except right now I'm more like I do hate everything and I'm about to turn into a werewolf and don't you dare close that goddamn door! Ugh.

    SM - Oh, thank you for telling me this. I do feel psychotic and I do wonder why Nick doesn't just walk out the door. I will be so psyched if this subsides sometime soon. I absolutely hate feeling like this.

    HKW - Hugs to you, too! The crying does help get things out, I agree.

    Andie - This was such a good reminder for me. It's true there's no money riding on this and nobody has any obligation to visit. I think I'm still twitchy from being chastised for being whiny. It is true and awesome that there are a lot of incredible people rooting for me. I am definitely lucky. Crazy and tough and lucky.

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  10. Mary - Thank you for this. Nobody pregnant in my real life ever talked to me about the uncontrollable feeling shitty part of it. And now I kind of want a T-shirt that says "Pregnancy isn't for sissies." That's pretty awesome.

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  11. hey - hang in there...i may not have shown it, but i didn't exactly "love" being pregnant either...do you remember how f*in big my ankles were? I couldn't see them, but i know they were huge...and I couldn't walk, no I waddled starting at like 14 weeks...that's crappy!!!

    hang in there...go for a long walk in sun and run if you want to...before you know it, it will be over!

    love ya!

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  12. Good lord, do I agree with you. I HATE, HATE, HATED being pregnant. with a vengenace. I will say I think most of it had to do with the fact that, surprise, I am a Type A+ control freak. And, that means... I do not like not having control - control over my body, control over having a few cocktails when I want them, control over eating unpastuerized cheese when I want to, control over my emotions, etc. You get it (obviously...) Not to mention, and maybe I'm making an assumption that you feel like this, but I hated the 1st pregnancy so much b/c of the general unpredictability of it all - WHEN will it end? actually, will it every end? WHAT will happen when I do have a baby? HOW will it feel? Will I ever get my body back? will I like it? will I hate it? (It could be the body, the baby, my relationship on any given day) And you just never know what's next. I realized in my 2nd pregnancy (which wasn't as bad mentally) that in retrospect a HUGE part of hating the 1st was this not knowing thing. Not that this helps you b/c you can't know until you know, but maybe just knowing you're not alone will help?

    Hang in there. And, if it makes you feel any better, I attacked almost everyone in my life in pregnancy in nutty crazy ways - my husband, my mother, my boss (yes, him too.) they all survived and were plenty resiliant so don't worry about that part. Just try to ride the uncontrollable roller coaster the best you can. and cry when you need to - purging is good.

    It will end. And it will be worth it. I can promise you that much even if it's so abstract yet for you.

    It also helps when you start feeling the baby move in a few weeks. The butterfly tickles in my belly ALWAYS made me smile. Even on the worst days.

    this deserves a clandestine glass (or two) of wine.

    and if Lisa's grouchy, judgmental reader is still out there, yes, I just suggested that she drink and HATE her pregnancy when she wants too. and I meant it!

    Carrie

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  13. Nobody (with any sense) thinks that pregnancy is easy.

    And I bet that there are people reading this right now who are just SO grateful to know that they're not alone - that there are other people who feel this way sometimes, that it's okay to think it's a lot.

    And I, for one, am glad that there's a parent out there who's willing and able to be this honest, who will raise someone else with those values.

    So there.

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  14. At least you have pregnancy as an excuse.... I've been a cranky, nasty, mean, short tempered, sometimes crying, sometimes screaming woman all week and I have no excuse.

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  15. I love you and your lovely commenters! Pregnancy's not for sissies! Yes! And it is SO TRUE about what a huge difference it makes when you can feel the baby moving. Muriel, in addition to all the perfectly awesome kicking, had the hiccups nearly every day from about week 20 all the way to week 41. Always made me happy.

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  16. FIrst, breathe. Pregnancy hormones are off the charts insane. I actually LOVED being pregnant (yes, I know I'm weird) and I still wanted to kill everyone on a fairly regular basis.

    Second, if it gets too bad or continues for too long, talk to your OB. There are some antidepressants that are safe during pregnancy.

    Lots of hugs! So, when your amnio results come back, are you going to find out the sex? and more importantly, are you going to tell us?????

    One word about that too. Don't tell people the names you are considering. Doesn't matter what the name is, someone will hate it and, trust me, that will REALLY piss you off when you're pg!

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  17. I had volleyball with my friend Harsha on wednesday and she was talking about how all women have a bit of crazy in them, and then when you're pregnant, that it multiplies by a billion. now, she's not a crier, and she almost lost it in a store when her husband wouldn't allow her to buy $5000 worth of baby furniture. She said she was a basket case throughout the entire pregnancy, she had no clue what was going on, and everything seemed unreasonable, overwhelming and she wasn't sure she could do it. To read your email today, I feel for you, my friend. Have a good cry, then cry again if need be. Maybe a massage, some cuddling? a lukewarm bath? a glass or many of wine? (they baby will be fine, sheesh...) your favorite food?

    Don't follow anyone else's "rules".
    it's bullshit. Eat sushi, have a guinness, maybe not a heavy jog, but a light jog?

    I find it amazing that we are alive considering our parents generation, they drank, they smoked, they did everything that you're not supposed to do, and hey, we turned out normal, well, maybe not "normal", but you know what I mean... :-)

    I think your belly's HOT! Have you thought of putting a picture of your ass on a dartboard? HA! now that I've made you laugh, I need to go get ready for a Bonspiel, yes, a curling party where guys/gals freeze their butts/nuts off, then come in to the bar to drink. I don't curl, I'm strictly a cheerleading hold down the bar girl. I'll have many in your honour tonight, big giant hugs, to you, love soph

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  18. oh, sweetie. You are most definitely the right person for this job if you can compose the following: "I suppose on the upside, I have a lot of practice with crying. So even sobbing, I can make a kick-ass cappuccino."

    my advice today or tomorrow is for you to go for a walk somewhere pretty (maryland side of great falls perhaps), even if it is "the nature"

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  19. Tej - Oh, lovey, you did get kind of ankle swollen and a wee bit waddly, but it wasn't apparent to me till much later - toward the end. And you were still really pretty and a lot more graceful about all of this than I am.

    Carrie - THANK YOU a million times for saying this. Yes! This is exactly it. I'm not type A but I HATE being this out of control. I never have full control over my emotions, but my body? I am used to having a lot of control over how it looks and feels, and that's really, really important to me and my sense of order in the world. And yes, you nailed it - I absolutely hate not knowing what is going to happen, if I'll like it, how I'll feel, if I'll get my body back, etc. And it is abstract enough that it's hard to feel like there's any end in sight or concrete point to this, so feeling the baby will definitely help. You made me feel so much better saying all this, you really, really did.

    Dagny - Oh, hugs to you. I did just get an email from a pregnant woman saying that this post and these comments made her feel better, which totally made me feel better. It's so good to not feel alone.

    JoLee - Oh, dear. I've had those weeks - and usually chalked it up to PMS. Although sometimes it's winter, or the phase of the moon, or too much life stress...Hang in there.

    A.S. - I LOVE the commenters too. All of you always have thoughtful, interesting things to say, and I so appreciate the support.

    Cheryl S. - Yah, that is actually a good thing to keep in mind, because I am prone to depression and it is hard to sort out where the OK normal line is and where I cross it in this state.

    As for the results, yes, absolutely we'll find out, and sure, I'll share. And good advice on the names, considering how much less personal things can piss me off right now.

    Soph - Oh, god, thanks for this. You DID really make me laugh, imagining my ass on a dartboard. And I know - all those things our parents did, and we all did turn out normal, or anyway healthy, if not textbook "normal" :).

    I hope you have so much fun tonight. I will totally living vicariously through you. The curling, not so appealing, but man would I love to be haning out with you cheerleading and holding down the bar. Love and hugs to you.

    LJ - You made me laugh as well. I hope so. I'm supposed to be taking it easy today post-amnio, but tomorrow, I will definitely get out for some exercise in the sunshine somewhere in "the nature" :).

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  20. Aw, lovely... you make my heart hurt! I want all those things for you too. Obviously I can't speak from experience... but it does seem like from the blogs I've read of women who went through pregnancy, it starts out the way you're feeling now, and then one day you just wake up and... it's better. You feel better, happier, clearer. And the rest is easier, until, well, you know, you actually have to push the thing out. I hope this is the case for you as well, and that you feel better soon. Hugs and smooches.

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  21. I have no experience with pregnancy, Lisa. I do, however, have experience with crying over your keyboard while you type, and I agree with the commenter who said that you were brave for sharing your crazies with strangers online. It's super cool that you can ask this community for help and they come pouring out with love for you.

    You can do it! You know you can, because you're a smart, wise, funny woman, and you can do anything you set your mind to.

    If it makes you feel any better, I'm off to meet a strange man my step-mom was trying to set me up with. Oh, and he's bringing a date, in case the step-parental attempted set-up weren't awkward enough...

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  22. Don't feel like an asshole, you're entitled to feel this way!I don't think there can be many feelings worse than not having control over your own body. It must utterly suck!!! Moan about it all you want - this is your space to do so! I was a bit behind on my reading this week re: that nasty comment you got, which is why I never commented on it, but I think you are entitled to feel the way you do. It'll all be worth it in the end, but obviously at the moment it's just a waiting - and growing - game and I can't imagine myself being any better in this situation!

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  23. You're not an asshole for admitting what most women probably feel! Hang in there, and maybe buy stock in Kleenex. Many hugs, and I hope the days get brighter and easier for you.

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  24. Not being a mom, I would just say, stay aware of what you're feeling and seek professional advice if you need to. Hormones can be really evil, as Dooce and a couple of friends of mine can testify. Do what you need to take care of yourself and your little one.

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  25. poor lisa - just wanted to say i'm thinkin of you! xoxo

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  26. This won't help much, but you're normal for this stage of pregnancy. I don't think I left the house unless forced for the first four months of pregnancy. Then there's this golden age of happy hormone balance. Then you feel like crap, then there's a baby - yay.

    Stool softeners and Haagen Dazs Amazon Chocolate might make your life easier, btw (helping you deal with your literal and emotional sh*t).

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  27. LiLu - Thank you, sweetie. I am totally waiting for the better easier part...until, yeah, I have to push the thing out. Which is a big drama trauma terrifying thing in itself. Big hugs to you.

    Alex - I don't know if it's brave, but for me it's always cathartic. It feels easier, actually, than keeping it in. And people are amazing. Kind and amazing.

    You totally made me laugh. If you don't blog about the step-parental setup (and I hope you do) would you please let me know how it went?

    Paula - Thanks for the nice input. I absolutely hate the lack of control. Hate it. And I'm not a big control freak, in that I don't need to control situations or other people - but I DO need to feel like I have control over myself. UGH!

    Sarah - Thank you. And stock in Kleenex is not a bad idea. :)

    J. - Yah, I know. I've read Dooce's archives and it's so very true. I will.

    kate.d. - Thank you, my sweet.

    Phoenix Berries - Hearing that I'm not totally aberrant ALWAYS helps. And thank you for the suggestions. The Amazon Chocolate, for one, sounds delicious.

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  28. I have zero experience in the pregnancy department (and thank fuck for that) but I have a lifetime of experience in the crazy department. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another, but I will say that sleep is key. Sleep as much as you can. And cry. Cry at whatever you want to. Not crying because it's silly (oh hey - yesterday I cried about my puppy's toenails) will not make you feel better. If you want to cry, it's worth crying about. Period.

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  29. I nominated you for the 'Your Blog is Fabulous Award'. You are fabulous!!!! Stop by and check it out!!!

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  30. I know I get the crazies every now and then and I (thankfully) don't have pregnancy hormones to blame. Just think that this is all temporary. And totally worth it in the end!

    Another blogger I read is also pregnant and you might want to read her stuff too, if it helps: http://shewalks.blogspot.com/

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  31. Oh, to add to my comment above, this recent post should help!
    http://shewalks.blogspot.com/2009/02/and-then-i-cried-over-sad-mop.html

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  32. For what it's worth:

    A big part of why I read this blog and some other blogs is because I'm kind of in the generation below you, in the period of time before I want things like marriage & babies to matter. I read out of extreme interest into seeing what types of futures lay ahead. I don't think you're whiny at all--and even if you are, I think that's nice to know. Because it's a nice reminder that as you get older, these struggles don't just magically go away, and that they continue to be a part of you. I love your blog because it's honest(I think) and an honest snapshot. Don't let that anonymous commenter start affecting that.

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  33. I am SO SORRY you're feeling like this and can absolutely relate to the delicate tip-toeing of the normal line. Which, in a completely selfish way, makes me think I should never, ever, EVER have a baby.

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  34. You read my blog. You know that the roller coaster ride is just beginning. Never feel bad for how you're feeling.

    P.S. The highs balance out the lows. Trust me. You can do this. If I can do this, anyone can do this.

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  35. I used to have a maternity T-shirt with a picture of a pregnant cat sticking out her tongue that said, "I'm up and dressed. What more do you want?"

    Some pregnant days (and, not to scare you, some new mommy days) getting out of bed and getting dressed is the most you should expect of yourself.

    Hang in there. Ride out the crazy. You can do this.

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  36. Both of my sisters had similar feelings/reactions when they were pregnant so I second, third, fourth and fifth what everyone else has said - you aren't an asshole. Who is to say how you should or shouldn't react to such a momentous change in your life? I can't even imagine how hard it must be to grasp it all.

    You are absolutely the right person for this job; you (and Nick) will be tremendous parents because you are facing these hard questions head-on. Asking them doesn't mean anything other than you have questions...and who wouldn't? You are my hero...keep the faith! =-)

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  37. Hey chica,

    Hang in there !!! it's definitely NOT any fun and I am glad there are people like you out there who are honest about it. I also have heard stories of women TEACHING a SPIN CLASS at 8 months pregnant, so maybe you can find a good middle ground to help get the stress out. I just got off the pill & I'm already feeling 2 shades from crazy so i can only imagine what lies in store for us.

    Make sure when you have a sane moment to both thank your husband and also be proud of yourself. This is HARD and no one ever admits that.

    big hugs for you.
    a

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  38. I think you should get off those psychotic drugs. Maybe go the route of Scientology.

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  39. Ohmygosh - I hope you are feeling better today!!!!
    I'm glad you are able to deal with your feelings, and express them, as they hit you. So you cry when you feel like it? Big deal...let it out. It's hormones, not you, that are going crazy. Eventually, they'll even out again. It won't last forever (couldn't possibly, or we'd be in a world full of only children). And I have to agree with the poster above, who said you should take some pamper-Lisa-time and go to a spa, or do whatever else you want that will make you feel normal. Hang in there! We'll be with you, to listen and support and cheer you on.

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  40. I volunteer to take a mental health day with you if you want to go have a blow-off-steam day with me!

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  41. I really feel for you. Really, I do. I'm sitting here at my desk with horrible stomach pains (stretching of my uterus, they tell me), heart burn, and sore hips from sleeping in the same position (on my side, the only "safe" way to sleep while pregnnt) all night. So yeah. I feel your pain. But at least I'm pooping regularly again!

    My advice (from one pregnant lady to another): 1) Take daily fiber tablets. 2) talk to your doctor about switching from prenatals to a children's vitamin + folic acid (it's the iron in prenatals that causes the poop problems) 3) embrace maternity pants. I know you're still a bit small and not "looking" pregnant, but once you make the switch, you'll be happy you did. Wear a bella band to keep them up, but don't try to force yourself into things that aren't meant for an expanding belly. 4) The Perfect Pregnancy Workout. I've been doing this DVD for a while, and the woman kicks my ass every time.

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  42. I'll die of embarrassment before they die of asphyxiation.

    Sane you may not be, but hilarious you will always be.

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