I am having a huge meltdown.
I am freaking out about being stuck. And when I feel stuck, I feel like I'm drowning. I panic and I flail.
It started innocuously enough, as Nick pointed out the river, how pretty it looks, and how the ice has melted. And then I noticed how one of the bridges was reflected in the water, and how it was hard to see where the bridge stopped and the reflection began.
Which led me to European bridges, and how gorgeous the bridges on the Seine are. Which immediately became if I were single I'd be going to Paris to visit friends for President's Day weekend. And since I'm married and knocked up and Nick will work that day whether or not they have it off, my big outing will be, I don't know, Pentagon City?
Recognizing that it's not like I flitted off to Europe every long weekend when I was single. But I did occasionally grab a super-saver fare and go. Because I could.
I've never been in something I couldn't walk away from. I've left plenty of jobs, and places, and people. Even marriage, you're not stuck. Even if you feel stuck, you aren't actually.
But a baby? A baby is forever. You can't really come up with a way to serve stuck more stuckly.
Nick tried to help by making light of it, which only served to root me more firmly in my stuck-stuck-stuckity-stuckness.
It is physical. I get near tears. And it feels like I'm in a trunk, with a heavy lid closing. Panic. Huge, huge panic.
And it moves fast.
Suddenly, I go from not only never having the option of going anywhere interesting ever again to having a life entirely comprised of the following: Getting up at the crack of dawn in order to get the kid fed and hauled to day care, so that I can get to my extremely ordinary job on time, get through my tasks, and leave in enough time to pick the kid up from day care, get him or her bathed and fed, and get to bed in enough time to get up early enough to start the entire bleak process over.
And this, this hamster wheel cycle is suddenly the rest of my life. With maybe an occasional big outing to the Eastern Shore.
It's not that I don't love Nick. It's not that I don't want the baby.
I just suddenly feel like my life is on a very narrow, pedestrian path, and the walls on the side are very solid and high. And the direction it's taking is totally beyond my control.
And this, this lack of control makes me completely lose my shit.