I'm extremely untidy. If you know me, you know this.
I don't leave dishes - dishes make me crazy. But there are always piles of stuff about. I'm a piler. And a stuff-leaver.
My father, who is both incredibly tidy and a control freak, used to tell me that if any man ever saw the state of my place before I'd cleaned up for company, he would never, ever marry me. This started young, and as a 6th grader, whether some man might or might not marry me was of little concern.
But this was raised continuously over the years, and added to my mental stockpile of possible reasons nobody would ever love me. But size of thighs was always higher on the list, and anyway, cleaning is boring, and so I would always opt for exercise over tidiness.
But despite my messy, messy ways, eventually someone great - a very tidy semi-control freak - decided he really wanted to marry me. Even with the knowledge that order would be a struggle.
And then, as you know, he knocked me up.
So I had the amniocentesis on Friday, and it wasn't so bad.
I mean, the idea of a long needle poking through my belly and into my uterus and sucking out two teaspoons of baby juice totally freaked me out. But the reality was that I didn't watch, that it felt kind of crampy and creepy, and then it was done.
They give you this sheet of instructions for 24-48 hours, including: staying off your feet, no heavy lifting or exercise, and no sex or sexual activity.
That last one I found kind of interesting, and of course in my mind wondered if that meant that if you were into S&M, or a dominatrix or something, could you not give non-strenuous spankings? Or apply nipple clamps or hurty underwear, or I don't know what-all, as long as you didn't exert yourself or get off in the process?
I kept this to myself. I really was kind of terrifiedly worked up. No ability to joke. Even though I was sure everything would be fine. Right?
But still. Big needle, belly poke. Scary.
It did all go well, and the actual needle-fluid-sucking part was very quick. And the office is so friendly.
So once it was done, they made sure I'd read the No Instructions. The doctor was very clear on no exertion and no exercise - not even walking - Friday or Saturday.
She said, "One woman felt fine, so she went home and vacuumed. And then she called us with terrible cramps. Vacuumed! So don't do anything - not even vacuuming!"
Nick leaned forward, "I can absolutely assure you that there is no chance on this earth that Lisa is in any danger of vacuuming."