Monday, April 12, 2010

Really should be titled crankypantsing all around

We are going on day three of serious crankyfacedness.

The boy, not me. Actually, me, too.

But only because my boy, who is usually sunshine and unicorn kisses all wrapped up in rainbows has temporarily (pray God) turned into a little pink ball of whine and gripe and scream. And poo.

Big J is feeling crummy - teething? - and he has had an upset tummy.

Not every moment. He can be his lovely charming self for a while, and then turn into a screeching dollop of misery the next.

We spent the weekend in kind of a poofest, with screaming SCREAMING at every diaper change. Of which there were a lot. And also at random moments.

And when you put him down.

And I'd nurse him and he'd fart these farts of death, which were only more evil because they were taking place like a foot from my nose. And I couldn't walk away.

Plus you'd have to check to see if it was fart? Or poo?

Nick and I both got poofingers checking diapers on separate occasions.

In addition to the fartpoo business, he's been needy needy needy. And screamy.

As you know, he's started making all kinds of noises lately. Babababababa! Dadadadada! So fun!

And also this new noise I can't quite describe. But I will try.

It's kind of like if you took an immense cheese grater and scraped it along rusty metal pipes rotating very slowly.

Next to which several cats were mating and making that screechy sound (which is apparently because cat penises are barbed???).

And someone was slaughtering sheep in the background.

While someone else was turning the key in the ignition of an engine that refused to start.

That's an approximate description.

Basically, it's very terrible.

And I feel bad for him, I do, and I try to comfort him, with patting and rocking and lullabies and, "Oh, honey, shush shush shush."

But the truth is that after a while, in my mind and sometimes even out loud I'm all "Jesus, Jordan! Goddammit! Stoooooooooop!"

Which makes me feel like a bad mama.


  1. i think i know that noise you are describing. we are in the same boat with my 8 month old son. even the tummy/poo issues. yep, he has all of the above PLUS nasty diaper rash. poor thing...and poor mama too.

  2. It's such a terrible noise, isn't it? Man. As for diaper rash on top of it...we're really hoping to avoid that. That's brutal. Hang in there!

  3. Oh, my. The teething thing, and getting used to new foods, really does seem to be so terribly difficult. Fortunately, we don't remember it happening to us at all. And if my parents are any judge (and SE too, though I think it'll be another year or two before it's completely better), the parents tend to just put it all in a bag of "the hard part" and not really remember it as being so bad.

    Also, if my parents are any judge, liquor helps.

  4. Oh no! Cranky baby is very sad. Those overalls are adorable and match his beautiful eyes. I hope things go back to normal soon!

  5. Oh yes, sounds like teething. I'd take his temp just for the heck of it (so neat that they have those easy to use, cranky baby has no idea gauges now a days) Hoping he doesn't have what his G-Ma Betty had a week or two back. Probably just pay back mom for going away last weekend and having fun. He's cute when he's cranky...just like hims mom. Hang in there girl. It gets worse.

    Kidding. Oh and I win the bad mom award of all time and my kids turned out pretty good. Well, except that one that went to prison, but still.

    Lynn in ND

  6. I laughed so hard. There are times Alex tries out new noises that I actually hold my breath and wait for the demon to fully release itself from my child.

    I'm sorry this sucks for you - I can really sympathize. But at least you write it so humorously.

  7. thank you! finally a post that doesn't make me want to "forget" to take my birth control pill

  8. I've got two words for you: Baby Motrin. Buy it in bulk!

  9. I have a feeling Jordan and I make a lot of the same expressions.

    Like when I'm hungry. Or too hot. Or too cold. Or...


  10. Dagny - You are probably right about the new foods - not so helpful in terms of tummy.

    Also, I've taken your WASP comment from the other day and decided to run with it. Because I qualify as a WASP, I think. My dad was Catholic, but we weren't raised that way.

    Cocktails all around!

    HKW - Yah, cranky baby is sad. I love those overalls! They were a present and I think they're so cute!

    Lynn - Oh, you made me laugh. He doesn't have the Betty illness, thankfully, and he doesn't have a fever. Just a very unhappy GRRRJJJJJGGGAAAAAGHGHHAAA little boy.

    And a mama who feels like injecting tequila into her eyeballs now that he's finally gone to bed. Seriously, bedtime couldn't come fast enough.

    KLZ - It is like he needs to be pinned to the floor while some Pentecostal minister tries to drive out the demons. Very scary.

    notsojenny - TAKE THE PILL, woman, take it and enjoy! Booze it up! Go dancing! Go to movies! Go walking and swing both arms around because hahaha! They're empty! Or just sit and enjoy the silence!

    Do any of these for me, please.

    Janelle - We have the Motrin! This is extra-crank. I don't know what the deal is.

    LiLu - This makes me laugh out loud. And hope not for your sake.

  11. Lisa - hang in there! Its supposed to be tough when they teeth young - he will grow out of this soon. really soon.

    sounds like shots of motrin/infants tylenol are in order.


  12. After the first two months of stupid colic that I could have kicked square in the balls, our boy was the happiest, sweetest boy there ever was. UNTIL THE TEETH. We Orajeled him to hell and back and it.....helped. Also, booze. For me, not him. Although to each their own.

    We're going through molars now and the next time someone tries to convince me to attend church regularly, I'm going to bring up the issue I have with this so-called God and his so-called creation of molars. I don't know if I want to worship anyone who would create molars.

  13. kev just read that post with me.

    he says, "you're not alone!"

  14. i think what Anonymous, *above*, meant to say, other than (roughly translated) "credit, credit information agencies and credit information agencies and credit information agencies, search, search, search, credit, credit, credit, credit, credit information agencies, credit information agencies hsiang, hsiang, restore feelings, feelings to restore, to restore feelings, feelings restore, save marriage, save marriage, save marriage, save marriage, credit, restore feelings, feelings to restore, to restore the feelings, emotions restore, hsiang and credit information agencies and credit information agencies and credit information agencies and credit information agencies, to restore the feelings, emotions restore, restore feelings, feelings to restore, to restore feeling, save marriage, save marriage, save marriage, save marriage, save marriage, credit, credit, credit, credit, credit information agencies and credit information agencies and credit information agencies, credit information agencies to restore feelings of" was that "it sounds like you had a shitty weekend (literally!)"

  15. I laughed all the way through this. Poofinger! I haven't experienced that in ages. Don't miss it, but miss the word.

    I'm reminded of picking Chloe up from the babysitter's one day back in 1992. This lovely woman who was quite unflappable and never cursed handed her to me and said "Shit."

    "Excuse me?"

    "Shit. All the way up her back."

    I paid her extra that week just in case she thought of quitting after that.


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