Yesterday evening Nick's dermatologist called to say that one of the moles he'd removed had abnormal cells.
And could he come back in sometime? Like, at the crack of dawn tomorrow?
This will throw you for a loop. Particularly since his older sister had had melanoma. His younger sister has had numerous moles cut out.
Nick came home a little shaken.
I wondered, which mole? The leg or the stomach? He didn't know. Just that they wanted him back first thing in the morning.
Internally, I was freaking the fuck out. What if it's cancerous, and it's gotten to the bone? What if they have to take off his leg? What if he dies?
So I was all, "Of course it's scary. But it'll be fine. Totally fine."
I kept saying that throughout the evening. Fine. It will be fine. Finefinefine.
He agreed. And said, "And if they have to take a leg, well, that's one way to lose those 50 pounds."
Haha. Ha. ha.
We drank wine. We watched Mad Men. We got in bed and held each other tight.
I said, "Boy, am I going to be pissed if your sisters were both fine and you die."
We laughed. Sort of.
He was scared. I was scared. He's my rock, my safety, my world. I could lose him. I can't lose him. I just got him.
I lay there thinking about how he never wears sunscreen, even now. Asshole. I closed my eyes and pictured my entire life falling apart.
Nick woke up extra early. When J woke up, Nick carried him around until he left. Those baby cuddles are amazing.
He called after his appointment. He used some words I don't know, but not melanoma. Basically, they're cells that could become cancerous. They think they got it all, but took a bigger chunk out, just to make sure.
Relief poured into my stomach, my heart, my lungs. I got all teary. "Thank God. I love you."
"I love you, too. Talk to you later."
"Wait! Leg or stomach?"
"Well, plenty there to work with. Did you suggest he take a few more chunks while he was at it?"
"And there's the Lisa I know and love."