I took back those hurty little hellboxes.
By that I mean, I'm no longer the owner of fabulous leopard print heels.
Which makes me very sad, because one, I spent so much time justifying! And two, I need - NEED - some leopard in my life. And three, they made me tall! And four, I love hairy shoes.
I know they call it pony hair, although I don't understand why.
Years ago when I still had a good relationship with my sister-in-law, we were shopping and trying on pony hair shoes. I said I loved them but just couldn't bring myself to wear shoes that used to be parts of cute little ponies. She insisted they weren't actually pony bits, but rather cows.
So we had this big debate in the shoe section of Macy's, and she went and asked the shoe guy, who laughed out loud at her question.
They're not made of pony. They are in fact cow.
Anyway, I wore the hellboxes around the house for half an hour, much of it sitting with my feet up, admiring the glamour...and I realized that they were stiff and squinchy and just terribly uncomfortable. My feet were begging to be let out.
So I boxed them up, and marched them over to Nine West. They were all delighted and welcoming until I said I had a return, at which point they were polite-ish but kind of attitudey.
Which prompted me to be bitchfaced attitudey back. I get very pursed lips flared nostril glarey when people do that to me.
I was all, "Of course I have the receipt and go ahead and act like this is a huge effort and pointedly examine the soles because no, I haven't worn them, and the reason I'm returning them is because they're more uncomfortable than driving nails into the bottom of your feet and then riding Metro with a bunch of idiot tourists, fuckyouverymuch."
But the story ends well!
Because I realized that these lovely grey over-the-knee boots were totally on sale at Piperlime and also I found a 10% off code and so for under $20 I swapped the hurty hellboxes for some deliciously comfortable suede cutie boots.
With no guilt! Because most of the money was already spent on shoes anyway!
And now I'm trying to figure out what to wear them with. So far I've just been having an underwear dance party in them. Yes, that's what's going on above.
Don't judge. At least, not till you've walked a mile. With no pants.
In fact, maybe today will be a No More Pants kind of day.
So maybe just go ahead and judge.