Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Hack hack cough cough bitter bitter. Plus a little Gollum.

I'm home with the flu. I thought it was the plague, but it turns out there's a mutated strain of the flu that the vaccine didn't cover.

I feel like shredded ass on toast.

My everything hurts. Everything. My bones ache. My hair hurts, my teeth are tingly, my skin is sensitive. Name a body part, and it hurts. Plus, I am an enormous phlegm factory. I cannot stop coughing, which makes my brain hurt. Sometimes big gobs of stuff come up, which I find kind of interesting. I of course examine them, because if they are brown or green, well, it's headed to a bronchial infection.

In other words, I am incredibly disgusting. And kind of hateful.

It turns out that when I feel terrible, I either want to be left alone to die or be well taken care of. And that varies moment to moment.

I got sent home from work by a horrified boss yesterday - what was I doing infecting everyone? I sat down on my couch and was pretty sure I was going to curl up in a little ball and expire in a shivering lump of fleece-clad, comforter-covered misery.

When the boyfriend (or rather, the fiancé - a word I for some reason cannot take seriously or say in relation to myself without pronouncing it feeeYONsaayyy) called yesterday, I whimpered into the phone, "I'm just going to stay home to die by myself. You can of course have the ring back when I die but please don't give it to anyone else."

He said "Nonsense!" and came to get me.

I'm going to bet he regretted it. He gave me this hideous affliction, and I was all kinds of bitter.

And so, after a huge coughing fit, when I'd gotten my wheezing breath back, I was like, "You know even though I really love you? Right now I also hate you just a little."

He was all, "Yes, sweetie, I know. Now drink this."

I know I was a huge brat. I didn't want soup. I didn't want pasta. I didn't want anything. I just wanted to be left alo-o-one in my misery. Except, was he really leaving me alone? Don't gooo! Whimper whimper.

He got all bossy about eating something, since I said no to everything, and so finally I said OK, a little pasta. And then retched when he said he was putting pesto on it. In the end, I had plain pasta with salt.

Then he foisted some of his medication on me. He'd gone to the doctor that morning and she'd given him a myriad of medicaments.

I was all whiney and pouty and not wanting to swallow one more thing. I was lying in bed moaning, "It huuuuuurrrrts."

"What hurts, sweetie?"

"Everything!"

The thing is, he knows. He went through the same thing. With none of the drama or whining or assertions of impending death. Or begging to be put out of one's misery.

And now he's gone for work for the rest of the week and I've been deserted. To perish alone. Except that he calls every couple hours to check on my progress.

He was telling me that on his day two of the illness, by this point, he was much better than I seem to be. What can you say but "Fine. You win." and mutter epithets under your breath?

I'm sure it's for the best he's gone. Because see what an enormous ass pain I am and how you never, ever want to be around me when I'm really sick?

Interestingly, I've realized in my misery that the only part of my body that doesn't hurt is my ring. The ring? Feels really fucking awesome.

17 comments:

  1. Oh, the flu SO sucks. Get well soon Miz Fiancee! (feeeYONsaayyy, hahaha!)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I could never say the word "fiance" either. It just sounded ridiculous. Feel better soon!

    ReplyDelete
  3. *hugs* I hope you feel better soon. I had this flu most of last week. I too was miserable.

    ... and the ring? It will always feel that way. That's part of its magic.

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Have I mentioned how happy I am for you? Because I totally am.

    Even if you're sick. 'cause it sounds like he's taking good care of you, so that's something to be happy for, too.

    I like it when good people are well taken care of, in case you couldn't tell. :o)

    ReplyDelete
  5. You're funny, even when ill. I sympathize with you for having the flu and hope you feel better soon. In sickness and in health!

    ReplyDelete
  6. HAA, I almsot want to be sick just to have someone force feed me.

    I hope you feel better and that he brings you a milkshake next time.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So now do you like sit and do the gollum voice while staring at the ring.

    "the preeeeecious...I loves the precious...those hobbitses wants the precious, but the precious belongs to us"

    ReplyDelete
  8. Do you catch yourself randomly staring at the ring? Like right now, typing and look down and sigh?

    Oh, yeah saying "fiancee" feels totally weird. It doesn't get any less weird.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, you guys are so great!

    A.S. - It super sucks. And thanks! :)

    Wendy - It's a silly word. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

    VVK - I haven't been this miserable in ages. And yes, magic! Yay!

    Dag - Thank you, sweetie! I know you are a good caretaker, and I think you'd totally approve.

    HKW - You are so right! I'm going to remind him that we're already testing that! Ha!

    Chelsea - Ooooh! Next time I am totally going to ask for a milkshake. Yum. Thanks!

    HIN - Embarrassingly enough, I was on the verge of doing that, and then realized it was both super nerdy and very creepy.

    Jo - Yes! And I would never, ever have thought I would.

    ReplyDelete
  10. you are just the cutest...id be staring at that ring the entire time i was propelling that crap from my lungs, too. so romantic, i know!

    everytime i see the word "fiance," i think, "why are they saying 'me and my finance'? Are they carrying their budget around with them?" Though i do think its one of those words that gives you the fuzzies when you realize you get to say it :) Congrats again!

    ReplyDelete
  11. ohhh, and of course i hope you feel better!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh, Moosie, I adore you. Thank you! I keep writing "finance" instead of "fiance" and I can't figure out how to do the accent mark on my laptop, and even spell check wants to change it to "finance" and so maybe that's what I'm going to call him. Although then people might get the wrong impression. Hah.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Gag. Feel better! Why do I want to eat pasta with salt right now?! It's 8am. Jeez, thanks.

    Um, so... pictures of the ring?1 Too girly? :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I hope you're better. The flu sucks!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think you should call him "future spouse" because it sounds science fictional and leaves people who don't know you wondering if you're gay.
    Also- what does the ring look like? Is it old fashioned or arty or a solitare?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Nicole - You and I both know that pasta is perfect any time of day or night.

    Alexandra - Thanks. Yes, it pretty much sucks ass.

    Mary - I like that! Or future permanent life partner - very cumbersome and ambiguous.

    I think it's maybe modernish classic? It's got a cool setting and three stones - big in the middle and smaller on each side.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm going backward here. You fucking kill me, even when you're sick. (sorry, Betty, if you're reading this!)

    I'm glad you're feeling 93 times better!

    ReplyDelete

Tell me about it.