I have had a number of people tell me that I've given them hope.
Seriously. I was at the allergist the other day, and the nurse said that I'd given her an immense amount of hope that even though she'd dated a ton of horrible men, she would find a good one.
Some people have been quick to explain that they don't mean it badly - it's not that they thought it was hopeless for me. But the fact that I found Nick gave them hope that they would find the person they wanted as well.
And I am not remotely offended. Because, listen, I'd gotten to the point where I was pretty sure I was never going to get married. Unless I decided to settle. This has given me romantic hope for the entire world.
The morning after Nick proposed, I woke up thinking about how completely amazing it was that I was engaged.
I turned to Nick and said, "You know, this is just incredible."
He smiled. "It really is."
"I mean, if I can get married, anyone can."
He gave me this shut-up-WTF look. "I happen to think you're an absolute treasure, and I feel very lucky."
He was about to be a little offended.
I had to explain that the fact is not that I have low self-esteem, or that I don't think that I'm worthwhile, or I that I see myself as so undesirable that nobody would ever want to be with me.
No - it's not anything like that.
It's more like this - a combination of things that had led me to believe that it was just going to be impossible. One, that I'd had this streak of dating such damaged men - men who just weren't remote possibilities for successful long-term relationships. Either because they were mean, or unable to commit, or just so numbed from traumatic upbringings that they didn't really feel much.
And when I sat down to examine all those guys? I had to admit that the only common denominator? Was ME.
So there was the choosing - over and over - of the wrong guys to contend with.
And then, there are a variety of particular things about me that I believe narrow my range of possibilities. I have this odd, goofy, slightly wicked sense of humor. Often, things I think are soo amusing are not what the general population finds hilarious. So I don't meet a lot of men I think are funny. And there are plenty of men who don't think I am.
Add to this the fact that I can bore easily, and if I get bored with you, I will start amusing myself. And if you don't think I'm funny? We really won't be having fun.
I don't know if you've ever told a guy he's amusing (or droll, or clever) but not funny? It really doesn't go over well.
And I need a lot of affection - a lot of I love yous. I need someone who will make me feel very loved and very safe. On top of this, I am really, really strong - in good ways and bad. So I need someone strong who won't let me push too far.
Plus there are at least 37 or 73 other quirks or wants that I won't mention here that made me think, you know, if there are 26 Ones for most of the world, I probably have, I dunno, 12 or 13. And how the fuck do you come across one of your 12 or 13 in the entire, wide world? I was thinking, "What if one of them lives in Idaho? I'll never meet him!"
Because I didn't want just someone, right? I wanted someone completely and utterly superamazingfantastichilarious. Who thought the same of me.
I don't know anyone who is like, oh, I just want a warm body. No, we all want someone we think is amazing, who thinks we're extraordinary as well.
So I think about it like this.
If I was able to find this person, all the more normal-ish people, with fewer particulars, or a less bizarre senses of humor, or more whatever and less whatever else - all the more normal people will absolutely, without question, find the right person without an extraordinary amount of difficulty.
And the people who fall more in my category? Will find the person as well. I believe this absolutely and truly.