Monday, May 03, 2021

When you need a train it never comes

Included for dramatic effect or something

I don't have a plan, and though I have a propensity to blurt out awkward little statements every once in a while, I'm not actually an impulsive person.

I always save dessert for last. Or for tomorrow.

Even as a kid I'd have waited on that marshmallow forever if I needed to.

I'm not even good at planning. So I guess that helps, too.

But sometimes, like today, I think things like: what if I just tripped in front of that huge, heavy truck? 

Sometimes, like today, I think it would be a relief to not be here anymore.

I know for a fact that it wouldn't be better for my family. I have been in spaces before where I didn't know that, and this right now space is not like that. I would be crushed to never see my kids again. 

I have also in other times been in a space where I didn't believe it would ruin there lives if I were no longer here. Not today; I know it would ruin their lives.

I yelled at my daugher after she spent 38 minutes, beginning the second she woke up, scream-crying about the Mondayness of Monday and also everything else. With two minutes left to go, two minutes till we were meeting her friend, she decided to change her outfit.

I'd been so good at sympathy and empathy for 38 screaming minutes, and then I lost it.

We put on her shoes and hustled her down the block, wailing like a banshee all the way.

I hate myself when I yell.

Sometimes I hate myself even when I don't yell.

Today is not one of those days. I don't hate myself.

Everything just feels very heavy and impossible.

Our house is such a mess. 

I think I killed or at least severely damaged my succulent by leaving it out in the sun.

There is so much laundry. So much. So much that I could probably burrow into it and fall asleep and it would be hard to find me.

There is so much everything. And it's all hard.

How come nothing is ever easy?

And then I feel like an asshole, because there are real people with real problems. Not that I'm not a real person. But my god, compared to so many people, my life is so easy.

It's not like it's a fucking tragedy to have housecleaning and too many dirty clothes to deal with.

It's more that I just...think it could be peaceful. Not to be here anymore, I mean. Not to be me anymore.

Like I said, I don't have a plan, and I don't lack impulse control. 

I know bad place this is brain chemicals, and this is temporary. I felt joy this weekend and I know I will again. It's not one of those dark empty places with no hope in sight.

I want to take my mom to the doctor and hug my kids after school and kiss my husband when he gets home. Oh, and walk Wanda.

I don't want to not be here to do these things. Or anyway, not all of me wants to not be here.

So really, I have a great grip on that stupid fucking marshmallow. Although I guess that makes it sound like suicide would be gratification. Which of course it's not.

Maybe I just needed to say all of this out loud. To acknowledge these feelings and remind myself of what they are. And to try to let them go.

This isn't a cry for help. Truly. 

I'm so solidly here, buried under the laundry.

7 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean. Exactly. It usually happens to me when I’m driving. My brain will suddenly go — I could just drive off this bridge/slam into a tree/ get crushed by a semi. And things would be so quiet. So peaceful. Like you, I don’t mean it. I’d never do it. I have a great life, but just for that minute, the thought feels good. Sending love and peace!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sending my love, Lisa. I know this feeling intensely and I know you are going to come out stronger on the other side. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. This blog is very interesting pack your beautiful dresses in "Bowl Sleeve
    " box

    ReplyDelete
  4. My comment as a therapist is always, “Do you just wish you could fall in front of a truck and die?” The answer is usually yes. Then I follow up with, “Well, are you actually trying to jump in front of trucks?” The answer is usually no. I have the feeling your answer is no. But if it’s not, please reach out. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know my reaction here is going to be too late, but I hope you came out of that state of mind with at least as much strength as you had if not more. I know this room too. Sometimes I'm glad that we have a protective grills on our balconies.

    ReplyDelete

Tell me about it.