Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Me and Mr. Jones
We got Lincoln Jones at noon on Saturday. On Monday Nick took him back to the rescue place.
At 120 pounds, Lincoln's weight is not far off mine, but he's all muscle. Nick weighs closer to 300 pounds than he would like to, and Lincoln was able to pull him on the leash.
On Sunday evening he had a huge freakout and scared Nick, who said that was it, he had to go.
Lincoln heard the elevator, and started barking and running around. Jordan and I were just about to walk out the door to pick up his poop, as Nick had forgotten to bring a bag on their walk. Apparently right after we left, he bounded across the living room vaulted onto a chest in front of one of our three large windows, and flung himself repeatedly against the window.
Thank God he didn't go through the glass, but Nick was worried he would, and grabbed his harness to pull him back. Lincoln opened his mouth as if to bite, but stopped himself. He's not a biter. He's a very sweet guy. He was just in a panic.
I feel like, fuck. Why didn't Nick take a fucking bag with him when he walked him in the first place? Why did I leave when he was already worked up? Why why why why? It's all moot, but why?
Obviously, I wasn't there. I don't know how bad it was, except for Nick's description. But when we got back, Nick was clearly shaken.
Lincoln is so big - almost too big for Nick, who is one of the biggest humans I know.
He said that was it, he had to go. He had anticipated a number of things, but nothing like running frantically around the living room and leaping repeatedly at the window in utter hysteria. Such a big dog, so out of control. And we have two small children.
Nick called the trainer we'd met with Saturday, and the head of the rescue operation. He said he was bringing Lincoln back first thing in the morning.
I spent Sunday night crying, drinking gin on our front stoop and maligning Nick to the neighbors.
It was Father's Day, which isn't my best holiday. And then he took my dog away.
On Monday morning, Nick took him back to the rescue organization.
I spent the last two days devastated. I couldn't talk to Nick until last night. Not in a punishing way, I just...didn't feel like talking to him.
When we fight, we fight angry and fast, and we get over it. That I'm used to. This wasn't a fight. This was absence of desire, absence of interest, absence of will.
He took my dog back. I felt betrayed. I felt bulldozed into agreeing. Or rather, I said I didn't agree, but I couldn't keep the dog without him. You cannot have a dog, particularly a dog the size of a horse, that one person is not willing to keep.
And he felt confident in moving forward with his decision - more confident than I felt in trying to stop him.
Lincoln is an awesome dog - and I choose that word deliberately. I wanted so badly for him to be ours. He's sweet and lovely and just a really, really nice guy. With some abandonment issues and some anxiety. (But fuck, who doesn't have those?)
I hope someone wonderful, kind, loving, and strong adopts him. I thought that was us.
You can say any of the following:
That we were crazy to want such a big dog when we had such little kids. That we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. That we made a commitment and we broke it. That we were unfair, that we didn't give him enough of a chance. That I should've refused to let him go, and fought with Nick to keep him. That we did the right thing, that we have to put our kids first. That if he wasn't going to work out, it was better that it happened quickly, rather than in a few months when he had settled in.
I think all of these things are true. I feel terrible about the entire situation on so many levels.
I was so excited about Lincoln, and told the entire world that we were getting him. So people have been asking, in person and in email, how it's going.
So here you have it: it's not. I had a dog for a day and a half and now I don't. And I don't think we will get another one.
I still get all teary when I talk about him. I've got a lot to work through.
So I think this is all I have to say.
Posted by Lemon Gloria on Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Labels: family stories, grief
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i'm so sorry lisa. thinking of you.ReplyDelete
Oh Lisa...Love you and sending hugs. I am sorry that it didn't work out. But know that for one night, Lincoln had all of your love and that one night was more than he has had in a while. Love you sweetie! xoxoReplyDelete
Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family and pup. Your description of and sentiment for Lincoln Jones is so sweet and I'm confident he'll find a good home. Sometimes things just don't work out as we hope and I share your disappointment, adopting a pup is a big decision that you and Nick didn't take lightly, it's not that you acted unfairly or without careful consideration. I'll keep you and Nick in my thoughts, hugs to you both.ReplyDelete
I'm sorry Lisa. I hope someone else finds it in them to adopt Lincoln. I guess with young kids, you can't be too careful. Hell, even my cats have scratched my kids! I love dogs - and I would have been furious with my husband if he had done what Nick did. But remember, Nick's decision came from a good place, even if it appeared somewhat misguided and knee-jerk.ReplyDelete
oh! poor you....Sorry sorry sorry xxReplyDelete
I'm so sorry :( You must be so sad.ReplyDelete
Maybe someday you guys can adopt a smaller dog. I love big dogs but we adopted a 22 pound dog and he can still go hiking and running with us, and is great with our baby
Hugs to you Lisa.ReplyDelete
I have two rescue dogs, small ones, but one suffers anxiety problems and can be hard work. It's hard I know because when we love an animal we love it with every fibre of our being and I know you had such high hopes. As said Nick's reaction came from the right place even though its hard to accept it. Fear for his children outweighs everything else and while Lincoln was a sweet guy you would hate him to have a momentary lapse in judgment while having an anxiety attack I am sure, because then you would only have one choice to make and that would be worse. I am sure he will find a wonderful home maybe with teenage kids who will love him to bits too. Being sad is ok but dont close the door on the possibility of adopting later on, just give it a year so the kids are a bit older. (((big Hugs)) to you and Nick because he didnt make the decision lightly I am sure.ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry! I know you wanted it to work out.ReplyDelete
This is the reason I am insistning that the puppy we got be WELL trained. He could end up being a 90 pound dog, and I have to be able to control him.
I hope in a few years you can think about adopting again.
Lisa, I'm so sad for you. I don't know what else to say, I'm just really really sad. I love you.ReplyDelete
So sorry. Sending lots of loving hugs to you, Nick and Lincoln. xoxoReplyDelete
I have a dog Lisa. He is a labrador and a sweet sweet darling of 9 years. But before we got him ,we had adopted a Doberman and he was a bundle of nerves when we got him. He would bark at all hours and once he even bit our house-help. We thought he will settle down and get accustomed to the change in his surroundings. He didnt. Not even after a week of patience and trying to get through to him. This was in-spite of him being just an year old! We had to take him back and you can understand how it must've felt. My mom was a wreck and even he seemed to grow silent, as if he knew that we were going to abandon him to that cramped kennel. I still feel guilty when i think of him and feel his soft brown eyes looking up at me with so so many questions in his eyes. We were just not right for him. And thats, I feel, the case with you. He will go to a place and people who are right for him because God will not abandon such a beautiful and gentle being just like that. Please dont blame yourself. The only thing i didnt understand was why do you think that you will not get a dog. Please dont give up on the idea like that. Labradors and beagles could also be good for you.ReplyDelete
Sorry Lincoln didn't work out . . .and you know that Nick was just protecting you and the kids by taking the dog back; at least Nick isn't into *this* nonsense: http://www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com/ReplyDelete