Wednesday, September 03, 2014

I hear the train a comin'. It's rolling 'round the bend...

It really annoys me to pay for parking. I mean, even if someone else is paying, so it's not my money.

The paying for of the parking bugs me.

I'd rather walk extra blocks than pay a garage or a meter. Although with Parkmobile it is much better, because that way you don't get stuck late for a doctor's appointment on K Street and only one space but it has a broken meter that you can't put quarters in but they give you a ticket anyway.

Betty is fanatical about amassing quarters for parking. She collects them in those Altoids boxes. Which, btw, are perfect for collecting quarters.

The other day we parked at a meter, and it was Sunday so it didn't matter, but she was getting out the quarters and I said, "Actually, we don't need them. I have a parking app. It takes it off my credit card."

And even though she doesn't drive and is far from using her iPhone to its potential she was all, "I NEED A PARKING APP! WHAT'S AN APP?"

So. Parking. It irritates me to pay for parking. There's something else it really annoys me to pay for, but I can't remember what. I called Nick to ask him what else I hate paying for and he said, "sex" but that's not it.

By "that's not it" I don't mean to imply that I've paid for sex or that I wouldn't mind because I haven't and I would. But that's not it.

He agrees there's something else and he's calling me back if he thinks of it.

I don't mind paying taxes, because I think social services are important. This is a whole nother topic, however.

Anyway, the other night we watched the first episode of the first season of Game of Thrones.

I'd read the first four books ages ago and I'd been lobbying Nick to watch it, but he wasn't interested. And then finally I remembered to tell him that there was a lot of nudity and sex and then he was all, "Well, maybe we could just watch one to see if we like it."

So we paid $4 for the first episode and we loved it. And then I realized that we could just order them on DVD from Netflix for free and so I was all, let us delay this gratification and not spend $4 per episode when we can get them all free next week. Let's cast about for something else.

You guys, we turn out to be in this fabulous position, because we haven't watched anything but a movie here and there since we binge-watched House of Cards early this year. We have so many great options!

So. We started watching Orange Is the New Black. By started I mean we watched six of them in two days, which, if you have small kids and also want to sleep, is not easy. But we soldiered on!

And you guys! Why did nary a one of you take me by the virtual shoulders all, you love orange and you love funny and YOU MUST WATCH THIS SHOW!?

Oh my hell, is it terrific. I went to a dinner last night and when I got home I was sure Nick would be upstairs watching but instead he was in bed doing the crossword and when I said I thought he'd be sneak-watching without me he said he would never do that. Even if I was in prison.

If you know us, which you kind of do even if you haven't met us, you know that ever since that point in time there has been a lot of Prison Talk.

I was all, "Look at this material! Look how hilarious! I should go to prison!"

Nick was all, "You've had plenty of crazy in your life. You have enough material."

We spent some time discussing which of us would do better in prison. We both agree he would. Although I am stronger than I look and I could totally pull out the crazy mean if I had to. I think. But he'd still be better at it.

Betty, who has not yet seen it because we have to figure out the Netflix on her TV is all, "Oh, prison. Sweetheart, prison would just be no fun."

So on Monday we were organizing the kitchen and he was irritating me with his organizeyness. When Nick gets in one of his whirlwinds of he cannot take this mess one minute longer or he will explode, he gets all tense and super organizy and throw-away-y.

If he doesn't like to eat it, or if he hasn't put it there, it is in his way.

Nick buys savory condiments and Betty buys sweet ones and we have a shit-ton of condiments in our fridge. Nick basically likes meat and cheese and we often do a mediocre job of eating enough vegetables even though I buy plenty with good intentions and don't clear them out often enough.

And the papers pile up in the corner of the counter. Also, Jordan deposits his Lego and what-have-you on another counter. And yes, India feels compelled to bring her 37 stuffed animals and blankies down to the kitchen every morning.

Yes, OK, yes, our lives are messy. It's a constant battle against the detritus of childhood and my inclination towards mess. But the tension! These Must! Tidy! Now! episodes make me so agitated. If I can, I hide. If I cannot, I participate, but it stresses me the fuck out.

These are never among our finer moments. I feel trapped. I take all actions and questions as accusations. I don't want to compare myself to a small furry animal but if you've ever seen one cornered, you know how they get all wild-eyed and teeth and claws?

So Nick is snorting and stomping and throwing things away at a mad pace.

"Your mother has two smoked salmons, both open. Do we really need more than one smoked salmon?"

"Just because it's not mayonnaise, Nick, doesn't mean it's an invalid food product."

"When you get sarcastic I stop hearing you."


He must've sensed my frustration, or maybe noted the subtle gleam in my eye. Perhaps I had a tone?

"You know, Lisa, if you ever do in fact stab me, you will go to Bad Prison. Not like Orange Is the New Black Prison."

The man I love.


  1. Thank you for the chuckle and I find comfort that my guy is not the only one who can become and organizey glassbowl that drives me absolutely up the wall occasionally ;)

    1. I do wish I were more organized (and I know Nick wishes I were as well). But the whirlwind and the stress! Ugh. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone.

  2. "These are never among our finer moments. I feel trapped. I take all actions and questions as accusations. I don't want to compare myself to a small furry animal but if you've ever seen one cornered, you know how they get all wild-eyed and teeth and claws?"

    OMG. you just totally described my life every few weekends! I'm messy, hubby is not. He loses his mind every few weeks and we end up just like that!

    1. It's exhausting, isn't it? And I'm not even overly messy anymore. He'd have been apoplectic if he'd seen Maude's and my apartment.

      Yes, it's like it builds and builds and then he loses it. STRESS! SO MUCH STRESS!


Tell me about it.