Friday, September 12, 2014

Revenge is a dish best 98.6 F?

Have you ever had a dog that punished you for going away? Or maybe for doing something else they didn't like? Maybe other pets do this as well?

I have no idea. Dogs for sure.

On Saturday India was particularly incensed that I was putting her down for a nap. Violently opposed. Enraged.

She made it clear that she was in no way interested in napping. Nope, no thank you. No. Back arch. NO! NONONONONO NAP! NOT TIRED! DON'T YOU DARE TAKE ME UPSTAIRS! I'LL CUT A BITCH! JUST TRY ME! NOOOOOO I DON'T WANT TO NAP!

Although he no longer naps, Jordan and I have this agreement that I tell them both that it's nap time, and he goes up very agreeably, ostensibly to sleep, and India is supposed to follow suit.

In the beginning he didn't know how to play it, so he would whisper across the room, "BUT I'M NOT REALLY NAPPING, RIGHT?"

And then she would hear it and so I would have to say, "Everybody is napping!"

Which would cause him to wail, because he'd feel tricked. They'd both be having fits. But now he knows.

So off he went. "C'mon, India! Let's go nap!"

He headed for the stairs and I said, "Oh, thank you Jordan! Look at Jordan. I'm so impressed with him for going up to nap!"

And she was like, "See ya, suckah! I'm staying right here! Hey, Ma, pass me a beer and the remote, wouldja?"

So I said, "I know I know like to play and you're having fun, but it's time to nap. You can play again after you nap."

I read that this kind of wording is how to couch it instead of being all hell if you think you're not napping.

The nap,  it's really not negotiable. She needs her nap. She falls asleep and sleeps solidly for 2-3 hours. She wakes friendly and happy.

My darling girl skips her nap and she's evil. And so am I. So I scooped her up, asked her if she wanted a diaper, which she rarely uses for naps anymore, and put her in her bed. Here you go, here's your bed, I love you, see you later.

She raged for a bit, as she often does, and then she got quiet, and I thought she'd gone to sleep.

About 10 minutes later I heard the door open. She walked down the hall and said, "I pooped, Mama."

She looked very pleased with herself.

Now, sometimes she will ask for help, and sometimes she will just head off and use the toilet, which is commendable, but she doesn't know how to wipe and quite frankly it's a disaster when she slides off, pulls up her pants, and goes on her merry way.

So I said, "That's terrific! Let me look at your bottom!"

I took her over to her changing table and then I realized...that she'd pooped in her underwear. It was everywhere. And it was vile.

Rage Poop.

She smiled a smug little smile.

She'd taken a rage poop, just like my dog Gloria used to. She'd punish you for going away by pooping in random rooms.

This wasn't an I-was-stuck-and-suddenly-had-to-poop poop. No. This was revenge.

On the one hand, I was practically retching, trying to get her clothes off. I won't get into particulars, but let me pose a question asked by a dear friend of mine in response to my situation: does anyone digest corn?

And on the other hand, I was impressed.

I don't like to think of myself as vengeful, but if I'm being completely honest, I am, at least in my mind. I don't often act on it, but I did consider peeing in the corner of our wedding venue.

I told Nick about it and said, "She's a smarty pants. It's gotta be satisfying revenge. Don't you wish you could do something like that?

And he was all, "What, so you're always going have a little poop saved for later, in case you need it?"

This is why he's considered the practical one.

Actually, I've long wished I could vomit on demand. Sometimes you're in a situation with another person that you kind of loathe. Perhaps a work meeting. Or maybe you bump into someone you worked for years ago, who you genuinely believe to be an agent of the devil. Or what if you were being assaulted?

Wouldn't it be awesome if you could puke on them at will?


  1. Dying. I loved you when you wrote as a single person. Then as a newly married one. And now a mother. I'm so glad you've found the humor in it and you're still writing.

    1. Giant hugs to you, Lisa. I really appreciate that.

  2. I secretly wished the spray bottle of urine or something similar really happened at the wedding venue and you just didn't reveal it in the form of a blog post. Is poop (or urine) really 98.6 degrees? Only a data analyst would ask that, I apologize. It would be cool to vomit on demand but I think I'd choose a different super power. If only for a cooler super hero name than the Vominator etc.

    1. HK, I'd pretty much forgotten how annoyed I was with them until Nick contacted them recently about a possible event there. And that brought back all my memories of dealing with them! I assume it is - wouldn't it be body temperature?

      As for super power, you made me laugh with that. I guess it would be a super power, wouldn't it? In that case, I'd definitely choose invisibility or ability to read minds. Makes vomiting at will seem very pedestrian.

  3. As a child I could puke on command. It came in very handy when I didn't want to go to school. I've lost that ability. (Probably a good thing) And, I'm very impressed with India for being so sneaky and vindictive at such a young age!

    1. That would've been super handy in school years! And yes - it's impressive! And scary. She knows how to work us. She delayed bedtime last night by telling her dad she had to poop. And then she sat on the toilet and read books for quite a while. He rarely puts them to bed so he totally fell for it.


Tell me about it.