Thursday, October 15, 2015

Pretty hate machine

You'd never know she liked it.
It seems harsh and mean and wrong to say three-year-olds are assholes.

So I'll say this. My three-year-old is an asshole.

I know. I know. This, too, shall pass. And the days are long but the years are short. And I should cherish every moment, because you don't get them back.

But my holy hell is she hard right now.

India has long alternated between utterly charming and downright wretched. But lately the charming appears less and less frequently, at least at home, and with me.

She now spends the bulk of her time refusing to get dressed, whining about being cold, but not willing to put anything on, complaining about hunger but unwilling to eat, tormenting her brother, and just being all around pissed off at everything. And talking every single minute.

It's not like she says she's cold and then lets it go. "I'm coldy! I'm coldy! I'M COLD! MAMA I'M COLD! I'M COOOOOOOLD!"

You can spend your time proffering solutions, but this helps not one bit. Even repeating what she says so she feels heard doesn't help. "You're cold."


She's often better when it's just the two of us. But not necessarily. And she still whines, growls, and  talks nonstop. Preferably while wrapped around my neck.

I offered her toast and she said, "You KNOW I don't like bread!"

She sneered and then licked the honey off the toast.

And this is what she now says, "You KNOW I don't like..."


Oh, right. Since she stopped liking anything.

I'm going to start offering her raw meat on a long stick.

If you take her arm or start to pick her up when she's refusing to leave somewhere, she'll yell, "YOU'RE HURTING ME! YOU'RE HURTING ME!"

Are you kidding me with this?

And she'll make up these arbitrary rules that Jordan believes. He'll come crying about something and I'll tell him she doesn't get to make the rules.

Yesterday I heard Jordan repeatedly pleading, "Stop it, India!"

I walked in to find India bent over with her butt in the air, instructing her brother to smell her butt. He was begging her to put her butt down, and she refused. I've gotta say, I was impressed with her ability to hold a pose.

But he was very upset. So I told him he's never obligated to smell India's butt, no matter what she says.

I said, "If anyone ever tells you to smell their butt and you don't want to, you should just leave."

Really, I'd give this advice to anyone.


  1. I think I would agree with that advice too! I love how you just tell the truth, I'm not a parent, but I doubt many would admit how they really feel. I'm not sure how you keep your cool, I'm thinking wine might help :)

    1. Oh, thank you! I don't always keep my cool, unfortunately. And sometimes wine definitely helps. :)

  2. Three year olds are HARD. mine were both arseholes. Never quite understood why everyone bangs on about terrrible twos...Then, you know, they are 11 and would argue the sky was green if you said it was blue. So there you go..

    1. Yes! She just got REALLY DIFFICULT at 3.5. I remember Jordan being so hard at 3, nice at 4, dreadful again at age 5. You're striking fear in me for 11. :) Although both your kids are lovely, so there's also that.

  3. What they never tell you is that the "terrible twos" are nothing compared to the nightmare that is 3.
    I used to tease Jess by saying "Don't make me beat you" Of course, we're in Target one day and she decides to scream DON'T BEAT ME MOMMY!!! at the top of her lungs. FML

    1. YES! AGREE! Two is nothing compared to three!

      Hahahahaha! I'm sure that didn't turn any heads. :)

  4. It won't solve your overall problem, but my son really likes blankets warmed in the dryer. I give that to him sometimes and he will calm down and snuggle up. Also, when the kids get difficult at their preschool, the teachers tell them to go and push a wall. It seems to help calm some of them down. When my son was being impossible last year, the teachers and I worked together to come up with a plan to help improve his behavior. It really worked, and since my son was leading all the other children into devilment, once they calmed him down things went much more smoothly in school overall. They needed to reinforce with him what would happen, and give him advance notice of what changes might occur.

    1. That's a nice idea. I'll try that as the days get colder. I mean, it sounds like a delighful way to start the day!

      Pushing the wall is interesting. I could ask either of them if they'd like to try that when they are angry. It might be satisfying to them and help them calm down. Thank you!

  5. "I'm going to start offering her raw meat on a long stick." I would have disbelieved you if i wasn't a mother.

    1. Right?!?! My mother used to say that about trying to get my brother up in the morning. And now I realize it's not an unreasonable idea!


Tell me about it.