Wednesday, May 08, 2019

TMI tra la la

You know that I don't actually believe in TMI and really mainly get frustrated by Too Little Information.

The other day I ran into one my mom friends at school. We don't know each other well, but I really like her. And when we see each other there is no hi how are you how about this weather we're having?

No.

It is more like hi, how are you, let's bare the contents of our souls in the three minutes we have chatting on this playground. OK, bye, hope to run into you again soon!

Believe it or not, I don't always start these conversations, either. They're just the ones I like.

Anyway.

What I really want to talk about is how my husband considers himself the more reasonable and practical of the two of us.

I get annoyed, because yes, OK, I love to talk about clothing and shoes and I can waste some serious time on all kinds of frivolity. But at the end of the day, I can be pretty damn practical.

I don't consider myself UNreasonable except sometimes. But we all are sometimes.

But practicality?

Nick, a lot of the time, is Fun Dad, while I am Dread Mom. I'm the bedtime enforcer. I'm the teeth brushing enforcer. I'm the let's not feed our kids so much sugar super-not-fun mom.

But we have, I believe, kind of public roles. And if I asked most people who would be the more practical between us, people would say Nick.

Which sticks in my craw, because there are many ways in which I consider myself more practical than my husband.

But then, every once in a while, I get a stark reminder that I am the one with the tendency to just charge ahead without thinking anything through.

While Nick looks at just about every aspect and considers liability.

So, last night we were talking about the fact that on Friday, I have a surprise! colonoscopy scheduled.

I don't actually need to go into my details with you, and there is no emergency, but I saw the gastroenterologist and she was like, "Well, this is the year we recommend you get a colonoscopy, and honestly, sooner would be better than later."

So then she showed me a poster and described what they do in a colonoscopy, and told me how they look at five feet of your intestines.

Five feet! That's almost as long as I am tall!

So I put my hand at my belly button and was like, "Where does it go?"

What I meant was, how far up do they poke that thing?

But she very patiently said, "Well, we start with your anus..."

I 100% already knew about the anus part.

In any case, they give you these prep drinks that cost $50 COPAY and you have to drink like 32 ounces of water afterward. They seemed concerned at the terribleness of the drinks and I assured multiple people at the doctor's office that I have a high tolerance for drinking gross stuff. I don't know why this is true, but it has been tested multiple times and it just is.

So I drink a purportedly gross drink plus 32 ounces of liquid at 6:00 pm the night before, and then at 3:45 am on Friday.

They said this really cleans you out. They stressed that I would spend a lot of time on the toilet.

Frankly, I've had a lot of diarrhea in my life. As long as I'm not throwing up, I can deal.

But still, they said. It's a lot.

OK.

Then they sent me links to a series of videos I had to watch. There were questions to answer.

Now I'm kind of excited, because it sounds like this terrible prep totally cleans out your bowel. It's like your own personal bowel New Year!

I'm up for that.

Because they give you anesthesia, they don't let you leave alone (and they caution you not to sign any important papers afterwards).

I had to verify that Nick would be able to pick me up at 11:00 am on Friday.

So last night as we were about to fall asleep we were talking schedules for the rest of the week.

I said that on Friday I'd drop Jordan off at school and then jump on the metro to my appointment.

And he was all, "That sounds...fraught."

I mean, first he laughed really, really hard. And then he said that. And then he said I should at least Uber, but probably better for him to drive me.

He was like, "I mean, think about it."

So I thought about it.

And his approach seems way more reasonable.

3 comments:

  1. 1) I have this vision of you walking into your home and finding your living room outfitted like a hospital room with a big "SURPRISE! COLONOSCOPY!" banner hanging over the bed.

    2) I wonder if perhaps you were thinking, from a very practical perspective, of taking up as little of your husband's time as possible? Because this is very much how I would have planned it, and that is why.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. Oh my gosh! So funny! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

      2. That is EXACTLY why I was planning to do that!

      Delete
  2. BUTT TWINS!!! hoping it starts early because I'm an asshole when I'm starving.

    ReplyDelete

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