Monday, June 10, 2019

I wanna glide down over Mulholland

Now that last week is over, I'm going to tell you it was one of those weeks where I felt less attached to life than I otherwise might.

I was not in crisis.

More like I was exhausted, demoralized, and really not excited about being in this particular body in this particular life.

I understand very well the repercussions of exiting life the way my dad did. I know, I really do know how much it would devastate my family, and screw up my children forever.

Though my dad attempted suicide the first time when I was 11, I didn't really understand that it was an option until I myself hit a low, low point in my 30s. My entire world felt pointless. Both pointless and devastating.

I was alone, and would be alone forever.

I didn't make a plan, but I had an idea. If, in fact, everyone on the planet except me coupled up, and I was the only one still single, then, when my parents died, I could opt for suicide.

I couldn't do it before that, because it would be too cruel. But at that point, it was an option.

This thought soothed me. I had a solution. An out.

Now I don't have those thoughts in that way, because, god willing, my kids will outlive me, and I would never do to them what my dad did to us.

That's the rational part of me.

The irrational part of me sometimes crooks a finger and whispers that it would be so easy. The line between here and not here is a fine one, and sliding over it would be so quick, so painless.

Like I said, I'm not in crisis, and I wasn't last week, even though I was at a pretty low point for a sustained amount of time.

What I'm saying, I guess, is that I'm here, and I'm glad I'm here, but sometimes it's very hard. And I appreciate knowing I have a community that will support me if I reach out and ask.

Sometimes I ask. Sometimes I free fall. I am just lucky, so lucky there are people to catch me.

Big hugs and much love to all of you.


  1. To quote the amazing Jenny Lawson "Depression LIES" Hang in there. Hugs.

  2. I love this title. Also, this reminds me so much of Hyperbole and a half "depression part 2".

    If knowing that we live you and would be genuinely devastated if you weren't here keeps you here, then you need to know that. But also, I hear you, and you are not alone, and you are wonderful just as you are, even with the thoughts. They help you be the person that people talk to. Think of how many people have felt better just because you were there to see/hear them.

    1. Ugh. *Love. We love you.

    2. OK, I love that you had "live" the first time because I do that all the time and it drives me fucking bananas. And I am grateful to have you in my life. Love, so much love, to you.

  3. Thinking about you, friend <3

  4. O my God! How did I miss so many posts from you? Where have I been?! Hope you are feeling better! I love you dear and I know there are many many people who could help you before I can, always believe that Im still in the queue....keep walking an you will find me.


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