Friday, March 04, 2011

And no, there will be no drawing with this one

There's been a lot of vagina-related stuff in my life lately.

I mean, as a topic.

You see, I got this very comfy pair of workout pants at the Gap outlet last weekend, and then I wore them to the gym. And they just looked a little, I don't know, a little poochy-outy right between my legs.

Not in an erection skirt kind of way. No. Not poking forward.

Poking down. Just a little. Kind of camel toe-y, if I may be candid. And vulgar.

At first I was kind of horrified, but then I thought, well, there aren't very many people here. And anyway, if someone notices, they're certainly not going to say anything. Because really, how often do I peer at some random person's crotch? Never.

Which is not to imply that if I know you I peer at your crotch because I don't.

So.

As far as I know, nobody noticed my prosthetic camel toe.

And then a day or so later I wore a short - but I didn't think too-short - dress with tights and knee-high boots, and then I got to work and got a little twitchy, so I had to ask a couple of my Quad-mates if they thought it was too short.

They didn't. And they would tell me.

Because one of them said that she has gotten very aware of too-short dresses, as she pretty much sees women with their vaginas waving in the breeze on her morning commute.

She said that very morning, on the metro escalator, she'd tapped a woman on the shoulder to tell her that her dress was so short that her vajayjay was practically showing. (Swear to god - she said this.) And then she told her that men in the metro take pictures while pretending to be on their phones.

Seriously!

And then yesterday, in staff meeting - the very meeting where for a period of time we regularly discussed the dread caulk issue - one of our colleagues had brought in cupcakes for Michele's birthday. We were discussing cake, decoration, avoidance of birthdays after a certain age, etc, and one of my other colleagues said...

Well, wait. What I thought he said was, "No camel toe!"

What he actually said was, "No candles!"

But when I heard him say, "No camel toe!" I whipped my head towards him and kind of choked and asked what he'd said.

And then when he repeated, and then asked what I thought he'd said, I blushed and said, "Tell you later." And then the meeting began, so the topic was dropped for the moment.

I don't know about where you work, but while we can talk the caulk to death, there's just no way to say camel toe in a staff meeting.

12 comments:

  1. Caulk is funny because it SOUNDS like something dirty, but it's not. But, you're right, there is no place for camel toe in a meeting! (Or anywhere else for that matter)

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  2. I just put up a post about an out-of-body experience I had yesterday when I ventured into the city and walked among all the professional people doing super important, professional things.
    Now, I know it's an illusion. You're not saving the world or working on nuclear disarmament, you're talking about cocks and camel toes. This makes me feel so much better.

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  3. Personally, I think that banning camel toe at birthday functions is a fine idea.

    Did you ever have to tell him what you thought he said?

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  4. A good friend of mine once told a girl she had really bad camel toe at a party, and I shit you not htere was one of those needle skipping moments and the whole room went silent. Her boyfriend almsot kicked my buddy's ass. It was awesome. Everybody at the party kind of turned on him like he'd just punched a baby. We had to leave.

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  5. I'm going to find a way to make one of my co-workers say camel toe in a sentence in next weeks staff meeting. In the hopes all future staff meetings will be cancelled. I loathe staff meetings.

    I'm feeling deviant today

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  6. I want to come up with another name for camel toe. One even more vulgar. Hmmm....Tacovag?

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  7. I don't know....camel toe...that's pretty vulger sounding to me, haha! But how could you have one and not know that people are seeing it? Because camel toe is UNCOMFORTABLE no? Are you gonna tell your collegue Lisa?

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  8. Well, at least no one can say you're completely missing a filter. Just mostly... at least on the internets... but we love you for it.

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  9. I've always thought about telling people when their dresses are too short or other horrible fashion mistakes but then I get nervous about said person yelling at me. Of course, if my dress were too short I would want someone to tell me.

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  10. I once saw an add for prosthetic camel toes, they came in 3 sizes. I nearly wet my pants reading the add it was so funny.
    I guess you wont be wearing the workout pants again?

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