Tuesday, March 29, 2011

So I'm not a zombie and I don't fall down as much as I used to but you don't necessarily want to ride the elevator with me and anyway, maybe I am

Let me just start by saying that as soon as Nick reads this he's going to be all, "You so clearly ate too much sugar for breakfast and how come you never do that when I'm home?"

Either that or he'll just say, "The hell?"

Yah. OK. So you know that fun blue nail polish I put on last week?

So I took it off this morning and now I look like I have frostbite, except that my fingers haven't fallen off. You know what I can't bear think about? Those people who climb Everest and then their fingers and toes turn black from the cold and they have to have them amputated.

I suppose they're glad to be alive, and in that context what's a finger or toe here or there? But I am not that adventurous.

So anyway, maybe it's more like I'm a zombie, but only in my fingertips.

Nick is out of town so I couldn't ask him if I looked all zombified, and if he was scared. Because yes, he's a lot bigger than me, but if I were in fact a zombie, I could totally take him down.

It really just takes a small bite, and the bacteria starts working. Bam! You're a zombie!

Which means they have a lot in common with Komodo dragons, which I find fascinating. Not that they can bite you and turn you into another Komodo dragon, which would actually be pretty cool. But because of their serrated teeth, there's soooo much bacteria living in their mouths, and if they bite you and you don't bleed to death, you'll most likely die of infection.

So they get to eat you either way.

But back to the zombies.

Now, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be mistaken for one, but it is true that another sign of zombiness is the staggering around, and I am kind of clumsy. As I'm walking down the hall, I often wind up glancing off the side of cubicles. Subtly. Like unless you're walking with me, you wouldn't notice. It's usually more like just a little shoulder bump.

The other day at home I leaned over to pick something up and banged my head on the side of the wall.

Nick wouldn't have noticed except that I said, "OW!"

Which caused him to ask if I'd just hit my head. On the wall.

I blame this kind of thing on my astigmatism and poor depth perception. I don't think it's general lack of coordination, because I don't trip and fall all that often any more.

The thing is, my coloring is good and I'm not in any kind of obvious state of decay, and maybe most importantly I'm not trying to eat anyone's brain.

But listen to this: three of my colleagues got trapped in one of our elevators for 45 minutes. Which is only related because elevators are a bad place to be in case of zombie attack.

The idea of being stuck in the elevator freaks me the fuck out. It doesn't scare me as much as thinking about zombies, though. Seriously. That damn Dawn of the Dead movie, which I saw yeeeaaars ago, still makes me twitch. So combining the two would be just unimaginable.

Also, on the elevator thing: sometimes I stand just a little too close to another person in the elevator, just to see what they do. I don't do this if there are only two of us in there, because that would be creepy.

I do it like I'm totally oblivious, not like I'm trying to edge up to them. I'm pretty sure it works, because people always shift away, but nobody has ever given me a weird look.

Plus, nobody ever suspects me of anything. Which is why I should've been a spy. I suppose there's still time.

Anyway, I know zombies are all popular now, and this New York Times article posits that it's because "modern life is a lot like slaughtering zombies" - just one repetitive task after another, one repetitive day to the next. The zombies stagger around and attack, the humans kill them, over and over and over. It's all the same and the same and the same.

Which makes me all, oh, fucko. Maybe I am a zombie after all.

In any case, you probably don't want to get stuck in the elevator with me.

And, no, I don't know what's up with me today. I really don't.


  1. 2003 NYC blackout: My coworker got stuck there. In the dark. By herself. In between floors. And it took a while for the firefighters to get there and help her seeing that lots of people got stuck that day, so they were busy. I think she was there for about 4 hours. Fun times. What if you have to pee??

  2. Hillary - Pretty sure this must mean you're in "the hell?" camp that I'm sure Nick will be in.

    Carla - Noooooooo! That's a terrible story. We thought 45 minutes was bad.

    I now always try to have a phone with me. And I feel like I should carry water at all times. I'd be more freaked out about not having anything to drink, honestly, than having to pee. But I have no shame when it comes to getting stuck in an elevator.

  3. Hmmm...I've never put any thought into HOW you become a zombie. Bacteria, huh?

  4. Now that's a movie I'd like to see, your traditional zombie movie, except replacing the zombies with kimodo dragons.

  5. Is it bad that this post totally makes sense to me?

  6. That's what I hate about blue polish. It's impossible to remove without zombie fingers.

    I think we are zombies, not that we're humans slaughtering repetitive tasks. We are all overworked and stretched too thin, just staggering through day-to-day life. And possibly trying to kill one another.

  7. When I read the title, I knew the word bacteria would come up in this post. About 200 words in, there it is!

    I am absolutely supportive of you becoming a spy. Unless that means you can't post on LG anymore, then I'd convert to a zombie.

    So sorry for your co-workers, being trapped in an elevator does not sound fun regardless of the company you keep.

  8. So, if you become a spy..please don't stop being LG...LG would be your spy alter ego at work! You could have any number of them..alter egos..because you'd be expected to if you were a spy, right?

    Ooooo, you could be a zombie spy-a not real zombie but pretending to be a zombie to gather zombie intelligence (oxymoron?)..and then you could always have cute blue fingernails and nobody would notice when you took the polish off and still had the zombie blue shadow thing going.

    I don't think I should have any more caffeine. Or ride in any elevators today.

    Random thought. LG enthusiasts could form a zombie spy network...and basically take over the zombies but they would think they were in control because we'd be that good at spy stuff. Just a thought. I'd be happy to help organize. Empowering LG'ers to infiltrate zombie ranks would be totally fun.

    And no I did not have a mojito at lunch. But clearly I too have watched altogether too many movies and am now guilty of mixing cinematic metaphors. Again.

    Feel free to totally delete this post. You won't hurt my feelings. :-)

  9. The Hell??? obviously way too much sugar.
    See what happens when you are away Nick, she caves in to her sugar cravings and goes all elevator zombie on us.
    LG your mind is staggering and its more than brushing the cubicles, it's knocking them over lol.

  10. Oh and the Zombie thing, I watched 5 minutes of a zombie movie over 25 years ago and even thinking about them still gives me the shits.

  11. Okay, so I may not "owe" you a drink, but this post makes me want to take you out for one even more. Is it weird for me to tell you that I LOVE your brain?

  12. If you want to be a stealth zombie and still wear that really fun blue nail polish, apply a topcoat of clear polish before the blue.

  13. Wow. this does really seem like a suger-high post, but enjoyable. And I too, will occasionally and deliberately invade someone's personal space, especially if they're being a dickhead.

  14. I can totally relate to the glancing off cubicles. I'm exactly the same way (no depth perception). My husband always tells me I better never get pulled over for DUI because I would totally fail the roadside tests sober!

    And, despite the nails, I'm fairly certain you are not a zombie. They don't seem to have the intellectual capacity to actually KNOW they are zombies [They're too busy thinking "BRAINS! I must have BRAINS!"], so I think you're still OK.

  15. Susan H - This is my understanding.

    Babymomma - I love that idea. It'd be kind of like that Ionesco play Rhinoceros. But without a political message.

    Lynn - Not to me. Makes me very happy!

    Lisa - Yes, exactly! Slogging through one day after another. And maybe trying to kill one another. Yes.

    HK - I laughed out loud when I read that. Bacteria! I'm totally predictable!

    Stevie - I promise I will not stop being LG even if I do embark on an interesting career (spy-dom or otherwise) and if I'm recruiting, you'll be the first person I contact. :)

    Go-Betty - You make me laugh. And yes, thinking about zombies is so scary. I can't watch those shows at all, ever.

    Gabrielle - I owe you an email back! And I love hearing that you love my brain! :)

    Anonymous - I should have. Next time!

    J - That's funny. For me, it's not about the other person so much as seeing how they'll react. Everyone moves over in the elevator.

    cla517 - I hadn't thought of that, but yah, I'd fail those roadside tests. Also the parallel parking is very hard.

    And thanks for the zombie test. I like it. BRAINS!

  16. It's not bacteria that makes zombies, it's actually a virus. You can add the Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks to your list of must read books. It's all in there.

    As for elevators, I was once trapped in the elevator of Morrison dorm ... with 16 of my friends. We were on the way to the Dean Dome for a game against Wake and the damn thing got stuck and we missed the first half. It all came out good in the end, we won.

  17. Ohh, a virus! I thought it was bacteria. I don't think I can spend a whole book thinking about zombies, though. It'll scare me too much.

    If you were in Morrison with a bunch of your buddies heading to a game, I'm going to assume you had liquor with you, so perhaps your elevator stuckness wasn't as terrible as it might have been??? Still dreadful, though.

    Alderman didn't have elevators. I was on the third floor for two years. Which was all fine and good except when I arrived for the start of the year with 57 bags of clothes.


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