Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Mallets for bad behavior and the vigilante justice of an exploding app

As I was walking to work today, I noticed an inordinate number of cars honking impatiently.

There was this man in a Porsche HONKING and HOOONKING because the person two cars ahead was not turning left fast enough. People were laying on their horns at the car ahead, trying to make it through yellow lights.

There was just generally a lot of assholey horn honking. Early in the morning.

Now, I might've had a little less tolerance because I was just coming from having had my blood drawn by a perpetually surly nurse who tends to leave bruises.

I have considered asking her if she hates her job and does it on purpose. But then I thought, crap, she might just take it out on me more in the future.

Also, I cannot find my earphones, and so I have no music as I gad about town. Just the cacophony of sirens and horns.


I was on the sidewalk passing Mr. Porsche as he was applying hand to horn.

And I wished, I very desperately wished, that I had a large, heavy mallet in my bag. And that it weren't illegal to just beat the shit out of someone's hood.

Because boy, I bet that would feel good.

Actually, I don't think you'd have to hit it more than once or twice to get your message across.

Bang! "Be polite!" Slam! "Asshole!" And then maybe another whack for good measure.

Which reminds me.

I've been really wishing that you could put a little exploding device into your laptop, iPod, iPad, iPhone, or any other electronics that people like to steal.

So, say someone stole your phone. You could remotely detonate it so it would self-destruct, inducing, oh, maybe second-degree burns. Because Nick said third-degree would be too severe.

He also said that much like poisoning the pumpkins, this is the kind of thing that is just not OK. Lisa.

I still totally think it should be an app.


  1. 2nd degree burns are the most painful, 3rd starts killing nerve endings (which hurts as it heals, I'm sure). So I'd stick with 2nd. Lots of pain, but lower permanent damage. Perfect!

  2. Well there apps that you can remotely active that make your phone make a LOUD siren noise. Maybe that will help until they make the app you want?

  3. I TOTALLY concur with the whole beating the shit out of some asshole's hood. There are so many "me first & f*ck you* drivers out there. What makes their life/day/agenda more important than anyone else's? Since when did they get approval to be above the rules of traffic? BLERG! End rant.

  4. Perhaps the sray bottle of pee would come in handy here? And Nick would approve? I would.

    If not, might I suggest a round of golf. I learned last Saturday that picturing, say, a certain someone on the head of a golf ball and then wacking it with a club...does wonders for one's mood and general mental health :)

    Love the tone and flow of this post!

  5. Agreed on all counts. I would also like a blinking sign that pops up on command from your back bumper that says "you drive like a jerkface" for tailgaters.

  6. Your idea works perfectly, because from experience, when I got my 2nd degree burns and was screaming in pain (worst pain of my LIFE) the doctor kept saying "pain is good, good! That's great news" -- basically 2nd degree burns are MUCH more painful than 3rd degree, but 3rd degree is more serious. (The reason for that is that you burn through the nerves on 3rd degree, and therefore, can't feel the pain.)

    So a not as life threatening but much more painful burns? Count me in -- people would think twice before stealing your crap.

  7. What is the matter with people?

    [not you, them]

  8. Porsche guy is compensating. Which makes him douchy by design.

    Just sayin'.

    Sorry about the painful blood draw! Bad bruise-inducing nurse. :-(

  9. i'm with kate bee, but would take it a step further thusly: cars come equipped with a pre-determined number of suction cuppy things with various infractions/ insults. you only have this finite number of...thingys. when you see fit, your car shoots a...thingy at the offender's vehicle, with is then permanently affixed to said vehicle, due to the magical makeup of the suction cuppies.

    there would be punishment once an offender netted a certain number of violations. clearly, i've spent some time on this one.

    also? i plan to start my own blog soon, and will most likely elaborate on my plans for the Great Insult Suction-Cuppy Thingy (patent pending), so if anyone invents this, i call shenanigans in advance!

  10. Early morning assholes are the worst. There was one on my train this morning. This scrappy little old lady thought she was the transit police so she kept instructing people how to enter and exit the train. Except that she wasn't even being helpful, she was being passive aggressive and annoying as fuck. Also, my headphones are currently sitting on my kitchen counter so I feel your pain.

  11. I am all about the mallets. Also, something like this could come in handy - especially as the weather gets warmer and annoying drivers are more likely to have their windows down... Just throw it in their car, hope it slides under their seat, and contemplate how annoyed they're going to be!

  12. You know what they say about guys and their Porsche's "They Need 'Em" And I have found it to be true of guys and their Vettes too. barf! Probably a shorty to boot. Love your idea. Heck the banks do it! Why can't we?

  13. I'm the sort of person who blurts out a quality, "SHUT UP!!!!!!" in such a horn-honking situation, so a mallet would not be necessary. Also, I'm prone to severe bouts of road rage, so a mallet would probably not be advisable, as I'm likely to bludgeon a Diplomat (cause, seriously? they are the worst drivers EVER) to death.

  14. Back when I had a car I really really loved, I used to fantasize about rigging up the alarm system to deliver a substantial electric shock should anyone choose to transgress. Some insurance companies offer you a discount for auto security, but I think they frown upon this sort of thing.

  15. I agree with the Mallet thing cause sometimes I so want to get out of my car and hit someone for being an asshole and honking at people when they dont pull out from the lights quick enough. Also the poisoning thing and stuff, hell I think like that all the time.
    I was so going to pour shrimp juice all over the seats of my last bosses convertible when I got made redundant it was only cause there were cameras in the basement carpark I didnt. I even thought about hiring a bum off the street to do a shrimp juice mission for me. Imagine the smell it would never come out. Anyway thats the way my mind rolls, I think it's only because I dont act out on these thoughts I am still allowed to walk amongst normal people.
    I like your exploding thing App too but I think it should blow their ear or fingers right off. If they steal your stuff they deserve it I say. Some cultures cut the hands of thieves so why cant we blow their hands off?

  16. Lisa - I didn't know that, but that works for me. Nick said third degree would just be too unfair. Not that he's in agreement with any of this, though.

    kylie - That would actually be kind of perfect for the myriad times I misplace my phone around the house.

    K-Tee - That's exactly how it is! Me first and I'm the only one who matters! Every time I drive, which fortunately isn't often, I just HATE people.

    HK - The spray bottle of pee is definitely a good idea. And Nick, well, he might not approve of spritzing strangers with urine, but it's better than some of the alternatives.

    And I'm glad you got some of your anger out on the golf course. I bet that was satisfying.

    Kate Bee - Yes. Or a poo catapult. I suppose the sign is only fair, so they know what they've done to deserve it, though, huh?

    Carla - Oh, that's so scary. I'd be terrified if the doctor was telling me pain was good, because that meant there wasn't nerve damage. Jeez!

    Empress - People just suck, is the problem.

    Stevie - I believe that. Nick says it's a cliche, but I believe it.

    Coleen - So then they're permanently labeled as a jerk? That's quite lovely. I won't steal it, I promise.

    Hillary - Yes. The early morning assholes should be beaten. Or at least given second degree burns.

    Jessica - That would be super annoying. But you'd also lose $13 every time! Much cheaper to just fling poo. Or shrimp juice, as Go-Betty suggests (How awesome is that? How never would you get it out of your car?)

    Lynn - Barf! This makes me giggle!

    freckledk - I am prone to yelling, but only while in my car. Fortunately, not while out on the street. And the trouble with the diplomats is that they just don't care. They think they can get away with anything. And maybe they do?

    Keenie Beanie - This really made me laugh. I do imagine they frown on this sort of thing. But how satisfying that would be. Would you be capable of the electrical rigging?

    Go-Betty - Can I tell you how inordinately I love the idea of shrimp juice? Oh, that would be so very terrible. You'd never ever get it out. I might have to borrow this idea one day.

    Also, you're a little more extreme than me in the punishment department. I'm delighted.

  17. i was walking home from work one day with a crippling headache and there was bumper-to-bumper traffic on mass ave that stretched for blocks-- i mean, TOTAL SEA OF CARS in both directions, nobody moving an inch through two traffic light cycles... one jackass about six cars back from the intersection was just incessantly laying on the horn. it made my headache feel like knives were stabbing into my skull. i snapped and walked out into the street and screamed in his passenger window "KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF! YOU'RE BEING A TOTAL PRICK! DO YOU REALLY THINK EVERYBODY HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN SIT IN THIS FUCKING TRAFFIC JAM AND LISTEN TO YOUR GIVE VOICE TO YOUR BLOATED SENSE OF SELF-WORTH THROUGHT A FUCKING CAR HORN? NO! SIT THERE AND WAIT QUIETLY FOR THE GODDAMN LIGHT TO CHANGE, MOTHERFUCKER!"

    i might have had pms, too, but i consider it one of my shining moments.

  18. aimee - This is one of the BEST things I have ever heard ever ever ever! I LOVE that you just went off and yelled into his passenger window. I'm sure he was shocked and humiliated at his bad behavior. That is truly awesome.

  19. Years ago, when we changed car insurance providers, we ended up getting a ridiculously high umbrella policy to cover excess losses.

    Which I took to mean that I was covered if, say, I decided some asshole didn't know how to drive and I needed to make that very, very clear to them with a tire iron on their car, I was covered.

    The husband explained I wasn't.

    That still pisses me off.

  20. Such venom - from all of you.

    I'm going to go the other way on this one. Sometimes you just gotta honk at the idiot in front of you or crossing against the light. And don't get me started on the antics of some of the pedestrians in this town blissfully prancing about the sidewalks and intersections, clueless to what's going on because they've got their earbuds in and iPods cranked to 11. Guess what? Roads are made to be driven on. Just because some people choose to walk everywhere doesn't make them any better or worse than those people who choose to drive. Or have to drive.

    Perhaps the driver of that Porsche was having just as bad a day as you were? Have you thought about that? Maybe he or she was just at the doctor and had a crabby nurse bruise their arm while drawing blood? We can't begin to understand what other people are going through, so without more knowledge you really shouldn't be judging them.

  21. *ahem*

    right back at ya with the judgey-ness, foggydew.

    i'm a blissfully-prancing pedestrian with an ipod and i obey traffic signals. this, in fact, DOES make me a better person than the people who drive while texting and/or talking on their cellphones. i've never clipped a car in an intersection because I'M the one not paying attention-- unfortunately the same cannot be said for the drivers who've come within mere inches of hitting me on what is becoming a disturbingly-regular basis.


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