Friday, March 18, 2011

Nothing good ever comes of looking at your butt in the dressing room mirror

I don't know why this is a lesson I have had to learn over and over for years on end.

No pun. Ha.

I went to Target, lured by the back for a limited time! designer collaboration! dresses. I thought a nice spring dress would be a perfect little perk-me-up.

Spring! Hope!

Not surprisingly, there were a lot of wee sizes and a lot of large sizes, and not so much in the in-between.

I tried on four dresses in something resembling my size, give or take a squeeze or two, just so I could have some idea of sizing in case I wanted to order them online. Because I do not know what to do with sizes 5, 7 and so on.

The odd numbers, they confuse me.

Except for multiplication - the odds were easier, and particularly the nines. But not sevens. What's that terrible drinking game where you count and have to say "beep" instead of seven or any number divisible by seven? I always sucked at it in high school.

Um, not that we played drinking games in high school, Betty.

But for clothing.

I tried on this leopard print dress - too short! And I am short! This was too bad, because it was actually my size. And cute.

I then wiggled into this lacey tiered color dress, not expecting to like it, and I really did. I mean, not in the size I tried, which fit, but more snugly that I personally would wear, but one larger I think would fit nicely.

I have a wedding to go to end of May, and I dunno, could this be a possibility? Or is it too young/lacey/something else for me?

Next I tried this very fun but alas too big multicolored strappy dress. It could be lovely for summer, but I think even in my size, it doesn't necessarily flatter me.

The one I was really interested in was this green and blue colorblock shift, and I did manage to squeeze into the itty bitty size...but it was not pretty. What I can't tell is if the size that fits my hips and butt will be huge on top, which happens to me a lot.

The oochy-scooching the dress over my hips and butt, however, is what led to the ass-toward-mirror scrutinization. And I don't care if it's not a word. It's close enough.

I don't shop as much as I used to, and so I forgot what a bad idea it is to turn one's scantily-clad posterior towards those goddamn dressing room mirrors.

And I can never resist. It's just like the clips. If I'm in a dressing room, even if I'm just trying on tops, I always take off my pants. Because when else can you get that accurate a look at your butt?

And it's always traumatic.

I never look in them and think, wow, my butt looks awesome!

No. It's always, holy crap, does my ass really look like that? And I bet if I jump up and down a little...fuck, it totally jiggles. What if I stand on one leg and shake the other one...ugh, even worse.

And I walk out with lowered self-esteem. And my too-tight dresses to hand back to the clerk.

The totally need magic mirrors that make your butt look higher and firmer and maybe even a little tan. Maybe ones that give you a compliment or two.

You'd look in the mirror and a voice would say, "Nice ass!"

Or would that be creepy? I think I could like it.

Happy weekend, all!


  1. I hate dressing rooms. I think maybe someone somewhere thought that seeing ourselves in fluorescent lighting would make us want to keep the clothes on, because we looked better that way, and would be more willing to buy them. That person? Sucks.


  2. someone told me recently that the odd numbers are juniors' sizes and the even numbers are women's sizes. I don't know how accurate that is though. I probably read it on Twitter.
    I rarely try stuff on in the store. If I can't take it home and try it on in my dimly lit bedroom and return it if it sucks? I want no part of it.

  3. Sizes are horrible. I never buy anything online because the sizing is always off. I once bought a size 4 dress that ended up being large enough for my size 8 mom to wear. Nice that she got a dress though. I think the lacey one is cool and wedding appropriate. It's a little 1920's.

  4. Creepy, yes, but useful, definitely a boost for the self esteem.

  5. I hate the dressing rooms at target. I was actually going to go tomorrow and look at dresses. I buy them, bring them home to try on and take back. Id actually like to be able to try them on in front of the mirror in the ladies room at work because I SWEAR it is a skinny mirror :) check it out on Monday.

  6. I love that colorblock dress!! I think a shopping trip is in order. I've been living in yoga pants for nearly a month and haven't been brave enough to try on most of my pre-pregnancy clothes yet.

  7. Oh my god, a talking mirror would freak me out. I mean, if I didn't know it was the mirror. I would think it was the voice of the person monitoring the security cameras.. actually, even if I was told it was the mirror I'd probably still be suspicious.

    I love that green blue color block dress.

  8. I remember in the 70's...COMMUNAL dressing rooms, with one huge wall size mirror..urgh

    I like the lace one the best :)

  9. Jessica - Yes. If the lighting were flattering, I'd walk out with heaps of clothing that I thought looked great on me.

    Hillary - You are right. It says junior sizing on the Web. Which is stupid, because they're marketing to grown women. Make the dresses a little longer, with more room for curves, and (some of them) in less gross polyester and I would buy a ton of them.

    Personally, I hate the returning. But it would make the trying on and getting opinions easier. Although not so easy to see how your butt looks in the clothes.

    Grace - I chose the sizes I thought I was...and it turned out I wasn't either, depending on the dress. Sizing with dresses is very hard, particularly if it's not an A-line dress. Then I have to assume that if it fits my top, it won't fit my bottom...but sometimes they do.

    Moomser - I do think I'd appreciate it.

    Kristin - I will! I never noticed that, mostly because I don't look in the full-length mirror before leaving the house (sometimes it's obvious, I know), so I don't realize the contrast.

    And I should just buy and take back, like I do at Costco.

    frugalveganmom - I think it's true - a shopping trip is in order. Something new for spring will feel totally refreshing.

    Laura - Yah, that's the problem. You could be all, "Oz? God? Security?" Very disconcerting.

    And that color block is nice, isn't it? I wish it had been my size - don't feel like ordering just to find that it's as I suspect, and too big on top.

    IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY - There's a store that I go to once in a while that still has that. You can wait in line for private dressing rooms or just change in the big room. I just change in the big room.

    And thanks!

  10. OMG! I was at Old Navy yesterday looking for some summer dresses. I stood in front of the mirror going "Is this a fun house mirror? Are my hips really that wide? When the hell did that happen?" Ugh. Now I'm going to have to go to Target too!

  11. Those damn Target dresses piss me off. I bought two of them w/o trying them on (I'm on crutches, just couldn't do it), and one was HUGE and the other, I seriously could not even get over my head. They were both size small. And both WAYYY too short for a grownup.



Tell me about it.