Friday, February 23, 2007

Liz Phair

I've been trying to post happy, pink, sparkly things lately. La la la.

But the truth is I'm feeling very Liz Phair circa Exile in Guyville lately. "I want all that stupid old shit, like letters and sodas. . .I can feel it in my bones. . ."If you know that one particular song.

I met a guy (I know, everything starts that way). So anyway, I met a guy the beginning of January. And he's really a lovely person. He's smart, he's nice, he's kind, he's shockingly well-educated.

Basically, all around good. We went out a bunch of times. And he liked me. Like, enough to suggest that we just date each other and see. This is exactly what I've been wanting, right?

But here's the thing - I just didn't feel that intensity, that whatever it is thing, that I seem to need. And since he knew about my blog - and in fact we met because of it - he knew all the back stories. And he knew that I have guy things I'm trying to work out.

We had this very easy rapport. I like him, and I respect him as a person, and I was totally candid with him about liking him but just not feeling the whatever. He knows that I have this fear that the guys I have that massive intense connection with are always going to be the unhealthy ones. The Dementors, the emotional cripples. I am hoping it's not the case. but it's a huge fear of mine.

And so lately I have been sliding into a pit of despair about how I want someone to really like me, and why doesn't anybody like me and what if I never meet someone I'm head over heels for again?

And what my friends tell me is, I can't complain about this. It's fiction to say nobody likes me - it's just that there have been a couple very notable ones who haven't. This guy was great in so many ways. And I would've loved it if that whatever it is had been there, but it wasn't. And I don't know what it is, or if it's some fictional thing I create.

I'm really trying to be rainbows and unicorns, but at the moment I'm feeling much more like rain clouds and, oh, whatever the antithesis of a unicorn might be. A slug? An eel? A mongoose?



  1. "I don't know what it is, or if it's some fictional thing I create."

    You know, it could very well be something you create to justify a Dementor's behavior. "He's bad in so many ways but I feel the IT."

    Alternatively, it could be that you just didn't have chemistry with this guy. Just because they're "good on paper" doesnt' mean that they're perfect for you.

    I wish I could give you a magic formula to find a good guy who had IT, but the only thing I can suggest is: Know what you want, and keep it firm in your mind.

  2. Girl and dog - Thank you! You've always got these great words of wisdom. And you put them kindly, not pedantically.

  3. I know the feeling. It's always gotten better in the past, though. Hope it does for you, too.

  4. Les deux things:

    . This caused me to unearth "Exile"; which necessitated removal of the MATLAB disc from the PC's functioning CD drive in order to play said "Exile"; the two actions which, in combination, have effectively negated the accomplishment of required work/edu-type stuff thus far this P.M.; though "Shatter" still sounds as good as ever.

    . Eel vs. mongoose could be epic; well, in eel's watery habitat, that is; perhaps not so much on land.

    . Come to think of it, Liz Phair vs. Something could also be an epic battle; something, someone, somethi...; I'm thinking Rick Astley.

  5. Are you worried that you're sabotaging relationships because you're looking for something that's hard to attain?

    The "it" is what we're told to expect. I've been watching old movies where the main characters meet and within hours are declaring their passionate, undying love.

    That's the message - love to die for at first sight. So, no, it's not you.....

  6. You can't force feeling. I think you already know this, but it seems worth saying.

    While the sparkly posts are fun (and I wouldn't want you to stop doing them, selfishly), the honest ones resonate. Keep going.

    Karen, random reader

  7. Dcup and Karen - Thank you both. I don't know, I don't know...


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