Monday, October 25, 2010

It's all fun and cow farting until somebody winds up in jail

Perhaps you read the post on DCist last week about PETA and the farting cows?

PETA had announced they were going to blast cow fart noises outside of a DC steak house. A friend sent me the link, suggesting it was right up my alley.

Naturally, I replied that I thought it would be more effective if they had fart spray to go along with it. Don't you think?

To which she replied that maybe I could donate some of Jordan's used diapers, or some of the poo from our alley.

Which seems like the kind of thing that is never going to end well.

I'd call Nick and be all, "Hi. I'm in jail...Oh. Well, it all started because I donated some poo..."

I didn't. In case you're wondering.

Now, there are people that I wouldn't mind throwing poo at, but random meat-eaters are not among them. I'm not in favor of poor treatment of animals, but I'm also not a PETAer. They're a little extreme.

I realize this might sound odd coming from someone with a list of people I'd like to throw poo at. But it's a pretty short list.

More of a category list. I mean, there are some named people on there. But then there are rubrics - like "asshole drivers who cut you off" and things like that. Or maybe just "asshole drivers," really.

It would be so great to have a bag of poo and a catapult attached to the side of your car for those people. I know I'd find it really satisfying.

Although now that I'm thinking about it, that'd probably be another call from jail, huh?


  1. For the very same reason I don't carry a stun gun, I'm pretty sure I couldn't mount a poo catapult to my car, either. In spite of the deep breathing, the meditation, the 'keeping it all in perspective'..sometimes assholes just need a little reminder to WAKE UP and stop being so rude.

    SPLAT! with a poo blob would do that. ZAP! with a stun gun...would also be most gratifying on this end..just sometimes.

    Wait, did that really just come *out* of my brain? Filter failure.

    BTW, I'd bake you a cake (complete with file inside) and bring it to you, if you landed in the slammer for poo slinging. I'm just sayin'.

  2. The food is really, really bad in jail.

  3. If I were paying Capitol Grille prices and some jackass with a loud speaker started playing fart noises outside...welllll, I'm pretty sure they'd need new speakers for their next protest. The PETA people are as bad as Tea Partiers. Whack jobs with nothing better to do than annoy the rest of us.

  4. Agree, PETA is extreme. Broadcasting cow fart noises is uncivilized, even in the name of the protection of animals. If you were to donate poo, I'd suggest the supply from the ally so it is less likely to be traced back to you.

  5. I agree with HKW - alley poop would be the responsible choice.

  6. Poo catapulting! Perfect!

  7. A poo catapult on the side of my car, what a brill idea. Now where did I put those giant rubber bands???

  8. I'm throwing Hillary's poop at you

  9. Yes, I suppose you'd want the bag of poo somehow attached to the outside of your car. It would be a bit fiddly and smelly otherwise i guess. How long would it take to load the weapon I wonder?

    I once had a client on safari who was a vet and said that he used to light cows' farts all the time. And one time he did that and burned the whole barn down! hehehehe

  10. Nothing wrong with having a poo list. Of course the jail part would suck though.

  11. I would add to the poo list:
    - people who have full grocery carts, but get in the 15 Items or less line
    - movie theatre phone talkers
    - the stand right in front of the elavator door people, so you can't get out of the elevator

  12. Stevie - YES! I am the exact same way. If I had one available, I can't say I wouldn't use it. ZAP! In the moment, it would just be so satisfying.

    And thank you for the offer of help getting out of the slammer. Just in case I give in to impulses.

    Kate - I have to imagine. Plus the scary rapey people and stuff.

    FoggyDew - There is a lot of extreme crazy in the world. I understand making statements, and ratcheting things up to be heard. And I think the cow farting thing is pretty funny, but I try to avoid anything really extreme.

    HKW - You are so right. That's a reasonable suggestion. I mean, if you're going to donate poo. Ever.

    Hillary - Heather is such a voice of reason. It's amazing.

    kayare - Glad you're on board!

    Go-Betty - I'm not sure of the mechanics of it. But save up the rubber bands just in case.

    Miranda - Oh my god. That's hilarious. Terrible, of course. But hilarious.

    Just Plain Tired - The jail part would really suck.

    K Dog - Definitely! Very good additions to the poo list. Although that would mean carrying the poo around with you...

  13. Dude, apparently it's considered assault & battery with a dangerous weapon... did you hear about this one?


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