Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The 3 am certainty that I would rather be a lesbian

You know how when you're awakened at some ungodly hour things seem so much more dire?

I don't mean that I was ready to leap up and find a lesbian partner at 3:00 this morning. No. Well, sort of. But not exactly.

What I mean is this: Men are idiots. Or anyway, men I am or have been related to, and men I love. And by love I mean have slept with. Because there are certainly men I love as friends who are likely not idiots. Although I can't be sure.

But if you're a guy and you're reading this, I probably don't mean you. Unless I've slept with you. In which case, sorry, but I'm putting you in the idiot bucket.

Also, I don't want to give readers the impression that either of these categories cover a large swath of the world. Because they don't. I have a small family. And there are plenty of idiots I've never slept with.

In fact, we all know I wish I'd slept around a whole lot more in my 20s.

But anyway. I say this because the men I am related to or choose all have one thing in common. They decide how their realities are going to work, and they hold firm to their belief that they can make it so, despite all evidence to the contrary.


Nick has been in trial this week, which means he worked at least 24 hours last weekend and has been coming home around midnight and getting up and out by 7 am. They won't convene on Friday, which happens to be the day that he had long-ago scheduled to drive to Charlottesville for lunch.

Also, and more important in this story, he hurt his back about a month ago.

Now, the back injury is a recurring one, and every fucking time his back goes out and I try to harangue him into seeing a doctor, he insists he doesn't have time, and then he hobbles off to work and has a similarly-overweight man walk on his back and he insists that this miraculously fixes it.

Honestly. I'm not heavy enough to shove his disk back into place or whatever the fuck the man does for him.

So a few weeks ago his back went out, and he limped around for days without the miracle cure at work and then we ran into a family friend who is a physical therapist who focuses on sports injuries who was all, "For god's sake, stop being an idiot; come to my office."

(This was well before I'd had my Men Are Idiots epiphany, so I was all, "Yeah, stop being an idiot.")

They did a rundown of Nick's issues, and then talked about his lifestyle.

Nick said they were just chatting about Nick's normal life and routine and then our friend said: So basically, you work 12 hour days, and you play with your kid before work, and come home and deal with the house?

Nick: Yes.

Friend: And you probably have a couple drinks to unwind when you come home?

Nick: Yes.

Friend: So, you're an overweight, middle aged man who works really long hours. You come home and have a couple drinks, which shuts down your metabolism, and you don't get enough exercise. And you're really surprised when your back gives out.

Nick: Uhh, when you put it that way.

Our friend is both candid and cagey - qualities I appreciate.

So Physical Therapist Friend basically said something needs to change, and Nick has to start exercising daily. He showed him things like how to pick up heavy stuff (like Jordan) while still protecting your back.

Nick saw him a couple more times and started feeling a lot better. And then he stopped picking things up the way he should, started working even more round-the-clock, didn't have time to exercise...You may see where this is going.

So at 3:00 am, I woke up to see Nick getting back into bed, and wincing as he was doing so. He was clearly in a lot of pain.

And so I said, knowing that in the next two days, he will have no time to take care of it, "I think you should see someone Friday morning."

"We'll see."

"I would also ask you not to spend six hours driving to sit for two hours for lunch on Friday."

"We'll see."

I know what "we'll see" means. I means that that idiot motherfucker thinks that he's invincible. And the he can spend all day Friday doing whatever the fuck he wants and not taking care of himself. And then be incapacitated all weekend.

And so I there I lay, stewing on The Problem With Men. I know I've talked about this before, and my friend Steve is likely right, and I would just suck at being a lesbian. And because he's a gay man I defer to him in all things gay.

Even though he's not a woman and even if he got a sex change, he still wouldn't be a lesbian because his partner is a man. He still knows more about the gayness than I do.

But seriously. I'm quite sure that if my partner were a woman, we wouldn't be dealing with this idiocy.

And also, if that man spends the day in the car and then thinks I'm going to feel remotely sorry for him, rather than take it out on him all weekend, he's got another thing coming.

Motherfucker? Oh, I don't think so.


  1. I guess I feel kind of bad for Nick. I wouldn't want to be called "motherf*cker" on my wife's blog. Jesus, I'm overweight and if my husband ever b*tched about it to the internet, he'd be the one paying. Even if my back went out.

    Sorry, LG. Normally I love you, but this post comes across pretty mean.

  2. While I don't think men have the monopoly on self-abuse, I do agree that it's frustrating when someone you care about isn't taking care of themselves - and even more so when that impacts your own life negatively.

    I wonder if you might not both benefit from joint consultation with a time management person? I know some stubborn people accept advice better from third-party experts than from their (understandably) grumpy spouses...

  3. Men do have the tendency to think they're invincible... And I totally get where you're coming from, my husband who's every sneeze should be considered by his doc as his immune system is still suppressed, has had a hacking cough for a month, a month, and hasn't mentioned it to any of the many, many healthcare professionals he sees each week. I've given up. I just don't want to hear him complain about it. Although, unlike you, I wouldn't want to be a lesbian, I'd rather be a nun, no men or women, have enough to do taking care of the children.

  4. Investigator's wife9/21/2011 5:57 PM

    I don't think it's mean at all. I was Nick when I was 22...overweight with a screwed up back that I refused to see a doctor about. By the time I finally saw one, one of my discs had ruptured so badly that a piece of it was floating around in my spinal canal, which, I was told, could have paralyzed me. 12 years, 3 surgeries, and 100 pounds less later, I still have to get epidurals four times a year and take heavy pain meds. And when the pain is particularly bad, I'm not very nice. So, Nick should go to the fucking doctor for the sake of Lisa and Jordan if nothing else. If I had just gone when mine started hurting, a good round of physical therapy probably would have taken care of it. If Nick has the unfortunate experience of following my path, he won't be able to be at trial all week because we won't be able to stand that long and then how would Lisa be able to have cool things like an elevator in her house?Men (and some of us women) are dumb with this stuff!

  5. Guacaholic - I appreciate your perspective. I'll have to ask Nick if it upsets him, and if it does, I'll take it down. He's not sensitive about his weight, and really, he's lighter than when we met, and his weight is not what I'm upset about, although according to the pyhsical therapist it's a factor. What I'm upset about is the stubbornness and the certainty that he's invincible.

    Also, um, I was trying to be funny in calling him a motherfucker...because I'm a mother.

    But I do appreciate your input, I really do.

    Jessica - I could definitely benefit from time management consulting, but I don't know about Nick. The truth is, Nick is an absolute powerhouse. He gets an astounding amount done in a day. And I know that a lot of his time at work is spent running a small firm...and then when things get quiet at 5 pm, he can really start focusing on his work. So I don't know that that is the issue. (He's started prioritizing healthy eating, and that's a definite step in the whole live healthier process, that's for sure.)

    Moomser - You definitely have reason to be upset. With his compromised immune system, nothing should be taken lightly. Nick doesn't complain, ever. But he's been not taking this seriously, and acting like he can power through...and it makes me so upset.

    Investigator's Wife - I owe you an email. I'm excited about your construction.

    So, this astounds me. You're slim and you take good care of yourself! But clearly this was a lesson leaned the hard way. Thank God that they caught it and you didn't wind up paralyzed. It makes me teary thinking about it.

    I really appreciate you sharing this story with me. And the elevator has turned out to be so lucky and in the nick of time (no pun) as both my mom's and Nick's backs really started hurting about the same time.

  6. Yup the Mr Invincible thing, I have been trying to get Dynamo Guy to see a physician for a couple of months now as he buggared his knee on the footy field and he has a nagging cough too. Nah Nope dont need a Dr he says, I am fine, hack hack, limp limp, whince. Honestly I turned around the other day and said to him to stop being so bloody selfish as he has other people to consider in his life now, i.e his son, me, for instance and that he needs to have a check up and get his warrant of fitness lol. (I dont think he has been to a Dr for over 30 years or something he said.) Tell Nick that it is hard for you too see him like that and totally infuriating that he wont do anything about it and that you think less of him for being such a woose about it and not getting it checked out.

  7. Dear Lisa,

    I don't think your post was mean. Namely because I truly believe that yes, most men have the invincibility complex. I spent my whole life listening to my father tell my mother that he didn't need to see a doctor. That he was by his own terminology, "rugged."

    I have never been sure what this means exactly but most men seem to follow in these similar mental footsteps.

    With that being said, I would also like to point out that most people start blogs not to be nice to the general pop, nor to those who might be mentioned in said blog who might be friends, relatives and/or spouses. Most people write a blog to vent a little. To get things off their mental chest.

    Obviously if you're up at three a.m. and pondering becoming a switch hitter, then yes ... this is something that needs mental flushing.

    I applaud you. Because right now, I'm in the same boat with my other half but only for more emotional/mental aspects of our own strange relationship.

    If Nick wants to be there later in life with some sort of upward mobility and physical strength then he needs to make his own self a priority of care. Physical therapy isn't for pussy's. I know this having blown out a shoulder and a hip (which oddly enough happened after having Le Bebe Munch) that when you go and do PT that the people that generally work there might have been some sort of sadists in another lifetime.

    They make you work. It isn't a game to them. It's very real and very, very visceral.

  8. Oh dear lord. Talk about holding up a mirror. A hilarious mirror, but a mirror nonetheless. I've been saying for months that I need to see a doctor for several things - depression included and each time I say this, MathMan says "Yes. Do it." And I don't.

    It might be because I'm man trapped in this body. Which is also something my husband is convinced of.

  9. Lisa, check this out: ) This will crack you up!

  10. I get this. I've been dealing with something similar with my bf who keeps dealing with inner ear infections because he refuses to wear ear plugs when swimming. Stupid. Let's hope they learn and soon!


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