Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Tell them all to f*ck off. For example.

You know, I just realized we were all sick and coughing and kept swigging Nyquil at night and popping expectorants during the day and sipping ginger tea and just coughing and coughing and not a damn one of us thought to use cough drops.

The hell?

This occurred to me because my friend Heather has a sore throat and said Halls is lucky she's brand loyal, because she finds their cough drop messages condescending.

These messages are news to me. I think I used cough drops last year, though. Maybe I was sucking on old cough drops?

In any case, if you, too, have been sucking old cough drops (which sounds like some kind of terrible euphemism, doesn't it?), I am here to tell you that Halls now gives you little pep talks on your wrappers.

Now, in the same way that I love horoscopes, and fortune cookie messages, although not the cookies, I tend to like this sort of thing. I was charmed when I discovered Bacci and their little love quotes on the inner wrappers. I like the Dove messages.

But a pep talk when I'm not feeling well? Tends to piss me off. I don't want to be told I should just get up, take a shower, and that'll make me feel better!

No. I tend to want to be left alone to die.

So I thought about the kind of messages I might prefer on my cough drops:

"Tell them all to fuck off."
"Get back in bed with a good book."
"My grandmother used whiskey for a cold."
"Raspy voices are hot."
"Sometimes you just feel like shit, and it sucks."

And so forth.

This kind of thing is fun! So then I thought about what I might like in my lovey-dovey chocolates!

"Sleep around as much as you want before you get married."
"Use condoms!"
"Be honest. And a little dirty."
"Nobody really cares what your underwear looks like."

I'm telling you, this is fun!


  1. Thanks for turning my grumpy complaint into a fun game! I love your messages, they're hilarious.
    For context, the Halls people really are smug about their are a few Pep Talk examples from the cough drops wrappers:
    "Turn 'can do' into 'can did'!" (Grammar aside, seriously? This is how one speaks to someone who is ill?)
    "Get back in the game"
    "Impress yourself today" (I will lower my temperature 1 degree?)
    "You can do it and you know it"
    "Hi-five yourself" (Because, you know, when you're sick, you don't look crazy enough)
    "Nothing you can't handle" (WTH?)

    1. Heather! They ARE annoying! Can do into can did is particularly dumb.

  2. I love, LOVE your suggestions! SO much better than the real ones. At least popsicles and Laffy Taffy are fun.

    1. I now want to make some kind of candy with wrappers just so I can write messages in them!

  3. I love your dove suggestions. Wise words!

    1. Ha! I don't know how widely appreciated they'd be, but I'm glad you like them!


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