Monday, September 10, 2007

Out with the pretty girls. Who say the most outrageous things.

When I go out with Kelli and Christy I have a hilarious time. But looks-wise, I feel like Country Mouse.

Truly. On Saturday I wore a Susana Monaco dress I love. It's stretchy and clingy and really flattering, as her stuff is. I always feel great in that dress. And I had on these funky red platform shoes Maude gave me. They're British and hip and fun.

And yet, I felt dowdy. Because these women are just so tall and girly and impossibly glam.

Whenever I look at Christy, I'm like Rain Man - all, "oh, pretty, shiny, sparkly!" I mean, she's very real, in the sense that she's totally down-to-earth and kind and wickedly funny. But she's startlingly, walk-out-of-a-magazine beautiful. I don't even think this woman has pores. She might not sweat. I didn't know normal people ever looked like that. I thought it was all Photoshop.

On Saturday night Christy made a bunch of fancy and delicious appetizers and we sipped wine and chatted and waited for her friend Dr. Jason to come join us. We'd eaten too much to want to go out for dinner, so after she got ready we went straight to the bar, early for our reservation.

We went to a new, super hip lounge called Lumen. It's all low couches, low tables, modern swank. Lots of pretty people. Christy and Dr. Jason know everyone - I mean, everyone - and we had a long couch and table in the front, facing the crowd that gathered later in front of the bar. It was like watching TV.

Christy and Dr. Jason were on one couch, and Kelli and I were on the other. We had one long, low table in front of us. On which sat a bottle of Cristal. Until we finished that, at which point we moved on to vodka.

The two of them were immersed in conversation, plus occasionally being visited by their friends the club owners and people who worked there. And Kelli and I were catching up, and talking about very deep and important things like the size of our toes and what constitutes a good pedicure, while intermittently entertaining men who stopped by to chat.

This story is getting long, so I'll save the teeth-gritting smile part of the evening for a story in itself. But what I'd like to mention is this. You never have any idea what's going to come out of Kelli's mouth. More than half of the time you know she says things to keep herself entertained.

For example, one of the myriad tall, cute, corn-fed men who came over to chat asked Kelli if she likes to watch football.

"You know," she said, "the only way I'm willing to watch football is if I know I'm going to get nailed really hard at half-time."

You have never seen a man whip out his phone and ask for a number so fast in your life.

Only to be told that while he's very cute, she's just started dating someone and wants to see where it goes. But thanks.

Dr. Jason, however, bore the brunt of Kelli's self-amusement. Before he arrived, Christy said that he's gay and he doesn't like to talk about girly stuff. No mentioning girl bits. None of it.

You mean, like, we shouldn't talk about our vaginas? Exactly. No vagina talk. He doesn't like it.

This is like issuing a challenge to Kelli. Because were we talking about them before he arrived? Not at all. Would we have otherwise? Not so much. But you could see her lovely brown eyes narrow ever so slightly and begin to sparkle in a mildly evil way.

And so, throughout the evening, Kelli worked the word vagina into casual conversation. I can't even remember how, but it was never awkward, like, "Oh this place is great and wow am I happy I have a vagina!" It was always subtle and somehow fit the conversation. Except that, of course, most evenings do not include 17 vagina mentions.

Finally, getting on past 2 am, past wine, champagne, and vodka, Kelli was dancing provocatively with Dr. Jason.

He beamed and said, "I think I've found happiness."

And she said, "Oh, honey, it's called a vagina. You'll never meet one that won't smile back at you."

If he was twitching, he covered it really well.


  1. corn-fed boy did it all wrong. when kelli went sass with the getting nailed talk, he should have said "not so fast! i'm not some piece of meat, you know. i need to be wined and dined first."

  2. That totally made me giggle. You're absolutely right - perfect response.

  3. Lisa -- Roissy's response is literally actually printed in almost all of the books for guys on the subject.

  4. Ohh! Well, it still wouldn't have gotten this guy anywhere, but it would've been funny.

  5. Yeah, a true gamer or Bang devotee would have gone with a Roissy response.

    That being said...I find this post hilarious. Vagina seems to be so much more en vogue these days... It's just a fun word to say.

    Is Dr. Jason really gay, or was he enjoying the suggestive dancing for other reasons. Inquiring minds want to know.

  6. "You know," she said, "the only way I'm willing to watch football is if I know I'm going to get nailed really hard at half-time."

    Can't help but wonder whether JC said something similar, and look what happened there...

  7. SL - I'm so not good with the game players. I don't get them at all. Fortunately, I'm not their type either. And Dr. Jason is so not about the vagina, which is why Christy invited him out on girls' night. I think he had a really good time with us.

    Anon - Confused. Who is JC? Jesus Christ is the only one I can think of.

  8. AAAHAHAHA!! I laughed through this whole post! (And thank you for the compliments, but when i saw the undeniably classless pic of me flashing my underwear that you sent me, I threw up a little bit in my mouth.)

    And yes, Sarah, Dr. Jason is truly gay but he likes to flirt with women anyway. He's had a life partner for 25 years now, and typically when you say, "Vagina," all you see is the vapor trail left from him fleeing the scene at light speed. I think that over the weekend, the only reason he didn't have a mental meltdown was that he'd had enough alcohol to disregard girly-bit mentions.

  9. Oh, and BTW, Country Mouse?? Hardly! You're freaking gorgeous!


  10. I was going to comment that, if you Google LG, your riff on foot prostitution comes up and, while you no doubt have cute feet, you would probably want to be known for more than just your pretty toes. Then again, maybe not!

  11. Christy - There was barely any underwear flash. And you, unlike many celebs, at least wear some!

    And thanks for the compliment! :)

    Riley - I know - it's weird that it comes up at the top of the Google page. There's nothing I can do about it though, is there?

  12. I seem to think you can, or at least that's what I remember from the IT guys at work setting up a new site. Worth asking!


Tell me about it.