Thursday, September 20, 2012

Methought I heard a voice cry "Sleep no more! MacIndia does murder sleep!"

Is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand? 

Uh, no. It's an iPhone. Pretty cool, huh?

Also, if you've ever done any internet dating, is this picture not reminiscent of those in a number of men's profiles? I was always like, why, why are they taking their own picture and not smiling? It makes me think they don't have any friends. And they don't, in fact, love to laugh. No matter what their profile might say.

So anyway.

In sooth, the only difference between a zombie and me today is that I'm not out to eat anyone's brains. Well, that and I can talk and type. I don't think they can do either. Although I can't say for certain, because honestly, I avoid zombie shows. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Truly.

But if you were a zombie and you nursed your kid, would you turn your baby into a zombie, I wonder?

So my non-zombie baby, she is not happy about this sleep-training bullshit. Her cries are not, "Help me, help me!" 

Oh, no sirree, no! These cries are all, "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS? I'M AWAKE! AND I'M USED TO MUCH BETTER SERVICE THAN THIS! IN FACT, I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO JUST RING A BELL TO SUMMON YOU. BECAUSE WE'VE ALL SEEN DOWNTON, BITCHES! NOW GET THE HELL IN HERE!"

It pisses her off, and she is not shy with expressing her ragey rage at top volume. I must say she comes by this honestly.

With Jordan, it only took a couple nights. Not with this one. I met a friend for lunch today and she said that it had been a long, hard slog with her daughter. 

"The problem," she said, "is that she's stubborn. I think the real issue is that our girls are just like us."

Which makes me think, oh, man. I am in for it.

When I was in high school, we were at my North Dakota grandmother's for a few weeks in the summer, and I found a letter Betty had written to her mom when my brother was a baby. She said she'd thought I was a good baby, but only because I was her first. Because my brother, he was actually a good baby. He was easygoing. He slept. He was wonderful.

She had written something like: Lisa, on the other hand, never slept. Never napped. Never wanted to be put down. The minute you put her down, she opened her eyes and screamed. 

It wasn't until my brother came along that she realized how exhausting I actually was.

I read the letter out loud to her. She felt terrible about what she'd written, and being a teenager, I teased her about it mercilessly. It didn't hurt my feelings, even then. And now, now all I can do is sympathize with her.

Pretty sure we all owe our mothers big-time.

9 comments:

  1. whoo boy, you *are* in for it, i suspect. that is why i am soooo glad to be a boy mom, and to also be "one and done", as annoying as that phrase is. my point? i don't have one. good luck to you, and you never responded to my sending of hotel recoms: what, like you're busy? ;) talk soon!

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    1. Argh! My bad! I read it, had every intention of looking through hotels and responding in a timely manner...and then set it aside and never went back to it! Thank you for the reminder!

      And I quite like the one and done phrase. And idea. I now feel done. And done in.

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  2. It's most definitely a girl thing. My daughter was the exact same way India is. And my son (India's age) is exactly the opposite.

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    1. Yah, my friend said that, and it resonated with me. I thought, oh, man, they are us! Oh, NO!

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  3. Oh I went though this with my daughter. And then it got better at 18 months when I put her in a big bed and then it got worse, when she went to college and then it got even worse when she quit college and now I have a grand-daughter that winks at me and has my back and is the spitting image of my departed mom and oh it tis so fun to be watching it all from this view. Tee Hee...oh but of course I wish for you nothing but peace :)

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  4. I totally agree with Justin that you should write a book! One of the reasons I dread of having a kid is the universal law of KARMA. Go figure!

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  5. Hilariously written.

    I wish I could help, but my stubborn 13 year old daughter won't even take a pill. I'd be pretty useless as an example.

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  6. I read this and wept... with relief that I'm over that there particular moment of our babies' lives... And yes, girls are more stubborn, God help us all!

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  7. My friend has a daughter (who is currently 3 and scares the pants off me.) My friend's mom says that the granddaughter is my friend's karma for all the shit she put her mom through. I believe it.

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