I wonder if this is what normal feels like, and it's just abnormal for me. For the most part, I just don't feel a whole lot. It's not bad, just weird for me. I think, actually, I'm fine. But just fine to me feels, I don't know, suspect.
The me I'm used to never lacks emotion. I've been told many times that I'm intense, and I think it's true. And the people I gravitate towards are intense. I feel everything so much. Maybe too much? I don't know. It's not always helpful, but it's just how I am. Even when I'd rather not feel, I do. I have tried to stop feeling, to feel less, at times, and it never works.
Emotion sneaks out all of my pores. I have no poker face.
And at some point I realized that I'm kind of inconsistent - whatever I'm feeling in the moment is how I've always felt. Until it changes the next day. Like, if it's rained the past couple days, I feel like it's been raining my entire life, and will this rain ever stop? That part I've been working on for a while, because it's made it very hard for people I've been in romantic relationships with.
If I'm having a bad day, people know. Even if I answer "Fine, thanks!" and smile when asked how I am, people know. My coloring changes. My eyes get flat, and my smile, I know, doesn't reach past my lips. My energy changes. I walk differently.
On the up side, when I'm happy, I have been told that I sparkle, and I think, though it sounds like self-promotion or something, that I do. I beam. I smile with my whole body. You can hear my voice smiling on the phone. When I'm really excited about something I jump up and down, or wiggle in my chair if I am sitting.
When I'm really up, I have all this positive emotion swirling around me. It feels good, to me and to others. It attracts people to me. It makes people excited about projects I'm working on that I like, because I'm just so enthusiastic about them. I know this is true.
I'm not saying everyone loves me - I'm not everyone's cup of chai - but usually I make people feel pretty good. I realize that this ties in somehow to the crazy person on the bus desperately trying to make eye contact and engage me in bellowed conversation from afar. And that's something I'm trying to change as well.
But lately, for the most part, I'm just not feeling things in any kind of extreme way. I'm happy in moments - happy to see my parents, happy to see my friends, laughing when I read something funny. I'm sad in moments, even very sad - like on my Liz Phair opposite of a unicorn day. But mostly, things are fine, just fine.
I'm not complaining, just wondering. Is this how I should be? Is this what normal feels like? I don't know.
Wow, this is just introspecive emotional day everywhere, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteIf you find out what normal feels like, please let me know. I'm on a constant search for who I *should* be and what I *should* feel like, but what the hell. Will we ever find out? I'm thinking no.
ReplyDeleteI'm the same way as you are, though - when I'm happy it's obvious. I was so geeked the other day and Matt kept hugging me and I finally asked him what was up, why was he practically humping my leg and he said, "you're happy, you're glowing." And then I think, well what am I like when I'm not. And then worry sets in. Sigh.
Sometimes I think it would feel better to just live and forget about what it's supposed to be like, feel like, etc. Easier said than done, though, you know?
I don't know what normal feels like either. I've realized recently I've strayed from the norm and am not in pursuit of happiness. Who wants to be happy all the time? Flippant?
ReplyDeletePerhaps the closest definition I have to normal is an excerpt from a speech given by Jimmy V (Championship basketball coach) weeks prior to losing a battle with cancer:
"To me, there are three things we all should do every day....Number one is laugh...Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy.....If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day."
Maybe (and this is just a wild guess) you're maturing? I think that's what mature people are like. At least, I think I know a few mature people, and they're emotions generally don't have extremes. They get happy, sad, angry, disappointed; but never very extreme in any case.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it's good or bad, but maybe you're maturing.
LMNt - I just read your post and yes, it is!
ReplyDeleteJurgen Nation - First of all, Matt sounds truly lovely. And I don't know if we'll ever find out about the shoulds, either. Totally agree - all easier said than done.
Heather - Thanks! I like that quote. That's just it, though - lately I'm not laughing OR crying so much. I'm just kind of fine. It's weird.
2x4 - I like that suggestion. Hmm. Maybe that's it - I'm maturing? That would be helpful, I guess. But I'd like to be maturing and have fun sparkle...
Like so many of your posts my first response is, "wow, I get that!" To a certain extent I think a bit of fluidity to emotions is a good, stable thing. And there's certainly nothing I can define as "normal" for any of us. Still - I know for me, one of the first signs of depression is my emotions going away all together. If you just don't feel like yourself, you may want to keep an eye out for this just in case (it's also good to share with those who know you best and get their feedback).
ReplyDeleteHere's to hoping your weekend in cali was full of laughter at the least!
Megan - I don't know. Ususally when I get depressed I cry a lot, and I'm really not. I am wondering if I'm just so not used to fine?
ReplyDeleteOh Lisa. This is me. Now I see why you related so much to my post from a few days ago...
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