Wednesday, May 06, 2009


Having finally mastered the baby gates, it's time to go.

I can't wait to get home.

The visit has been fantastic, and quite honestly, Maude and her family are family to me. Maude knows me better than just about anyone. It's easy, it's comfortable, and we've had a lot of fun.

But I miss the shit out of my husband.

It's funny to realize, you know, because I rarely miss people on a daily basis.

I grew up leaving and leaving and leaving. And it's not that I never missed people, but they were few and far between, and often limited to specific moments and situations or once a large span of time had passed. Even boyfriends I dearly loved.

But the general missing, the feeling of a huge, gaping lack, this is not my norm on a trip.

And this time, that's how it is. While it's only been a week, it just feels like too long and too far. And while I'm having fun, I realize it would be that much better if Nick were here too.

I want him in my life. Every day.

As an adult, I kept moving and moving, because nowhere was really home. I had this certainty that I would find home in a person, rather than a place. And I kept waiting for that to happen.

And just as I'd given up believing it would, it finally did.

Nick felt like home immediately, and although I've not questioned it, this trip confirms for me that he is, he really is.

It's hit me hard how tremendous it is, after so many physically and emotionally peripatetic years, to have a home. And to know absolutely and firmly that whatever the geography, he's not going anywhere, and neither am I.

I'd follow him to the ends of the earth, if it really came down to it. I've never been with anyone that I could actually say that about.

Seriously. If he had some huge, unrelenting, uncompromising desire to move somewhere like, I don't know, a chicken farm in Wisconsin or Ulan Bator, I'd go.

Of course, if he's reading this, it's worth mentioning that the time we spent there would likely be nothing short of living hell, and thus really not all that worth it.

But I'd go.

So, assuming best case scenario: the plane actually makes it across the ocean, I arrive safe and sound at Dulles, get picked up by one or both parents, and am home in time for dinner with my favorite husband, then I'll see you all tomorrow.

Hugs to all.


  1. You will make it across the ocean, arrive safe and sound at Dulles, etc. etc.

    Also, you will (hopefully) have had much better quality chocolate available for your return trip. I might be a little jealous.

    Also, big hugs. You've been missed!

  2. Ah, I am still looking for home, but this gives me some hope.

    Safest of flights, my dear.

  3. *hugs*

    Home is a wonderful place... :-)

  4. Your "favorite" husband? How the non-favorite feels about that? ;-)

    I totally understand what you mean by "home" in a person. I feel like that now, for a boyfriend I've only known for 4 months, but I've never been so sure of anything, never felt so comfortable and at ease as I do with him.

  5. Over on my "Blog o' Angst & Teeth Gnashing", I've been whining on the regular about the fact that I have a "what the fuck is home now?"... "am I really me any more?" ... etc panic attack daily.

    Your post settled a bit of today's panic that was brewing inside of me. So thank you for that.

    Get home safely!

  6. how precious! don't forget your candy for the flight.

  7. loved this post.
    safe travels!

  8. Have a great trip home!

  9. You are the first person I've ever heard say (write, whatevs) that when you met your SO, he felt immediately like home. I have always felt that way about my husband and I'm so glad you found Nick.

    Safe travels!

  10. That sounds so perfect, and I'm so happy for you guys! I remember how hard it was to go somewhere without John the first time, and how it really drove home for me that I didn't want to be without him. Distance makes the heart grown fonder, eh? Have a safe trip home, and tell Nick when you get there!!

  11. I'm still looking for 'home'. Having lost my Parents while they were relatively young and my best friend in Afighanistan in 2007. I wonder if home will ever exist for me again some days.
    Love long and well both of you and never loose that feeling :)

  12. That's really sweet!!! But I think you'd hate the chicken farm. :)
    Be safe!!

  13. Hope you have a good flight back

    Home good, chicken farm not so good.
    conclusion - stick with home.

  14. Love is so hard a feeling to describe since it is different for everyone but you just expressed it so well! Such a sweet post!

  15. Aw, this is so sweet. :) As I get ready for my wedding on Saturday, it nourishes my heart a bit from all the planning stress to read such a beautiful picture of love. :) Yeah, that's right--I used not one but two smiley faces.

  16. Glad to hear you had a wonderful trip and spent some time with a friend. I currently live in FL, but my family is in NY. I will be visiting up there in 2 weeks and spending about 4 days catching up with old friends and attending a birthday party for a relative.
    I go every year, sometimes my husband goes as well, but this time it's just me. He's my home, my everything and I love missing him and then coming home, he always misses me as well. It's a wonderful feeling, and after 21 years of being together I hope I always feel that way.
    Hope you have a good flight!

  17. i still miss my husband, too, and we've been together for almost 27 years. when i was visiting our son in toronto in feb, and snowed in an extra two days, i was verklempt. welcome back to the states!!

  18. wow. what a lovely post. i'm hoping i'll have the same feelings someday.


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