Thursday, July 14, 2011

One of those posts that starts out relatively normal and then just goes all to hell

Dear people of the Internet,

Tampa made me very tired. I just couldn't sleep. And I am a sleeper. I do best with right about nine hours a night. Seriously. It's tragic.

But I just couldn't sleep. Not to be all princess and the pea, but the pillows - all six of them on two beds - were too big. I need a squishy-downy pillow.

Also, it was too hot. And too cold. And too quiet. Until there was a noise in the hall. Then it was too noise-in-the-hally.

And THEN, then one of my colleagues went ahead and mentioned bed bugs. Just out of the blue and for no good reason. She said not to put your suitcase on the floor and then up on the bed because they can live in the carpet.

It didn't keep me up at night, but here's what it did: it made me itch. You try thinking about bed bugs for more than 30 seconds and see if it doesn't make you want to scratch.

Also, it made me extremely fretting about taking some of those potential carpet bed bugs home with me.

I told Nick about the bed bug possibility and he asked if anyone had seen a bed bug or if I'd gotten bitten by anything or if this was just hysteria for the fun of it.

Nobody wants to admit to hysteria for the fun of it so I was all, "They're a problem. Just like the boa constrictors that escaped during the hurricanes and now they're moving all the way up the east coast. Also the alligators in the Everglades with the penises one seventh the size of their grandfathers."

These are problems, people. Even if they have nothing to do with each other. Except they all happen in Florida.

Also, the penises, they are a seventh the size of the penises of their alligator grandfathers. Not that they're a seventh the size of those old alligators. Because that would be an entirely different problem.

I imagine. Not that I'm imagining alligator penises. Although I kind of am. Do you think they're scaley? Or do you think they poke out of a little lipstick case like dog penises?

My brain is running on half power. It's good I got out when I did.

And hi! I missed you!


  1. Welcome home Lisa! This post makes me adore you, more than I already do. Laughter all around.

    "Nobody wants to admit to hysteria for the fun of it." Such truth to this statement.

    Sorry about the lack of sleep. I get it, I do.

  2. I think bedbug hysteria is completely natural. Because what if you do bring some home? Oh god, I can't think about it.

    Glad you're back home safe! :)

  3. oh oh - I'm in my nice CLEAN bed and thinking of bedbugs and now my arm and legs itch! Damn you, Lemon Gloria!!!

  4. Speaking of bugs... yesterday I took out the garbage and walked through some trees. I got into my car to head to work and felt something on my neck. I kind of chuckled to myself because I always think something is on my neck - and then it turns out to be my own hair. Heh. So I grab the rear view mirror and pull it down so I can see what's on my neck (again, assuming it's my own hair). It wasn't. It was a spider. I lost my shit. Flung the spider off my neck with my hand while hyperventilating. I continued driving and glanced downwards. My spastic flinging of the spider did not make it go very far as it was on my boob. Again I fling the spider (it went towards my passenger side of my car on the floor - I don't want to think about where it is now) and looked up to slam on my brakes before ramming into an SUV. It was a fun morning let me tell ya!

    Funny, yes, but not as funny as alligator penis....bahaha

  5. I can't help with bed bugs. They kinda freak me out. Really, the thought of any type of bug in my sheets is enough to have me go scour the house.

    But! Next time you travel, make room in your suitcase for two things; your pillow and a small fan.

    I know! Everyone wants to travel light and all that jazz, but seriously. I am a picky pillow person, and there is always something wrong with the hotel pillow. All 20 of them. And, the fan gives you a nice white noise to fall asleep to. Voila!


    Hope it helps next time. Welcome home!

  6. What is with all the bug posts everywhere?? I'm having nightmares all around. Bed bugs, spiders on boobs, cockroaches in my house... and alligator penises... now I can't think about anything else.

  7. Ok I saw this documentary on bedbugs a while ago....omg they are real and ugly, just as ugly as Aligator penises. which incidently look a bit like a chicken neck. How do I know what an Aligator penis looks like when we dont even have them in NZ??? Well after reading this post I got my google out and went researching. See your posts are quite educational in that they pique curiosity and make some go looking. God knows what the ICT guys are going to think if they look at the websites I have been visiting now.....does googling animal penises constitute porn do you think? If so I am in the poo. Didnt block the site with a big yellow warning stop trying to access porn message so maybe I will be ok, they will just think I am a bit weird and some would say they arent wrong.
    Oh PS DG loves his pancake pillow honestly its only about an inch high. more like a folded towel.
    PPS the disjointed burble is because Ben and I went to the new Harry Potter last night and I didnt get to bed until 11.30pm...need sleep!

  8. Funny, this. Because just this morning I was thinking of squirrel penises. Two squirrels were getting it on outside our dining room window and the kids were going nuts with laughter. They thought the fellow in the back was trying to lift the lady in the front, not hump her brains out. So I thought maybe it was time to introduce a few sex details but then I really couldn't decide whether squirrels even have penises.

  9. You type in a hotel name and city and state and it will tell you if there have been any reports.

    Get some sleep!

  10. HK - HUGE hugs to you!

    And I wonder if I devolve into hysteria for the fun of it more often than I think...

    Laura - THAT is the thing! It would be so gross to get bitten...but it would be hugely horrendously inconvenient and expensive if you brought them home. HORROR.

    That gentleman's lady - I am very sorry. I understand exactly, and I'm so sorry.

    Shelly - I am pretty sure I'd have driven off the road. Spider on neck, spider on boob...I'd have been screaming and flailing and the next thing you know, my car would be in a tree. I commend you for not crashing.

    Moomser - I apologize. It is pretty terrible, isn't it?

    Go-Betty - I don't think animal penises constitute porn. I believe you are safe there. But what do I know?

    And oh, you saw the new Harry Potter! Was it great??!

    Dana - I love that your kids thought he was trying to pick her up. They must have penises. Tiny little rodenty penises. Ew.

    Cheryl S - I am totally going to pass that site on to my colleagues who travel a lot. Thank you!


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