Thursday, July 28, 2011

Turns out normal people don't talk about stabbing their spouses

And in my defense, I hadn't thought about stabbing Nick in months.

So over the weekend, we went out to dinner with Nick's partners and their spouses.

They know me by now. This is the same group I went out with and bellowed about my porn name in a very quiet, conservative dining establishment.

And yet, I still manage to surprise them.

All of us have children, and we were all talking about new babies and how much work they are. And I said, "You know, for about six months after Jordan was born, I'd lay in bed mentally dividing up the furniture and thinking about stabbing Nick."

It turns out this is a surprising thing to say, and in fact, while everyone has their challenges,it had never occurred to any of them to stab their spouse.

So after they'd all recovered, talk turned to house renovations. And the elevator. Which should start going in tomorrow, you guys! Anyway, that's the rumor.

One of the men said, "You know, when you sell, I don't know how much of the elevator cost your going to recoup."

Nick replied, "It doesn't matter. We're going to die in that house."

The woman to his left said, "Particularly if Lisa stabs you."


  1. Anyone living who I know personally is a possible contender for a stabbing threat. Actually, come to think of it, that includes people I don't know too like politicians, anyone who provides poor customer service, celebrities who annoy me, yadda yadda yadda. How is that not a normal thing for everyone?

  2. Completely normal, although I would choose another method over stabbing. Too messy. Smothering with a pillow though, that seems easy enough.

  3. 'Stab' is a metaphor for change right? :-) And we all know it's impossible to actually change someone, so the whole stabbing thing wouldn't 'really' happen.


  4. What? It wasn't like you were gonna pull a "Bobbit" on him! It was just a simple stab. And in your defense, you were not wanting him to die if you were giving him half the furniture...just wanting him to suffer a lil bit. I understand completely.

  5. That's crap. I talk about stabbing my husband all the time. It's just talk, though.


    I mean it.

    Alll talk ...

  6. I want to stab people sometimes, particularly in the eye with a ball point pen.

    I wouldnt though, I just draw cartoons about it. Are they called cartoons even if they are kinda dark humoured?

  7. As far as I'm concerned you were being extremely gracious dividing up the furniture (though after stabbing him repeatedly what would have been the point, I wonder), I would just lie there and think about kicking the Husband out and keeping everything to myself.

  8. Starting my Friday with a big laugh. Thanks!

  9. They're LYING. They are just too uptight to actually admit that they have (on numerous occasions, I'd bet) mentally murdered those around them! Hell, if thoughts could kill, I'd be alone on the planet by now!

  10. Nicole - "Anyone living who I know personally is a possible contender for a stabbing threat." This makes me laugh. It really does.

    Susan H - Yah, smothering makes a lot more sense. I was thinking more violence than efficiency.

    Stevie - Oh, you are so very yogic! Yes, of course, a metaphor for change. And it's not impossible. You just have to nag a lot. :)

    Lynn - Exactly. It was about anger, not death. Thank you for understanding.

    Miss Dallas - As you know, I talk about it all the time as well. And it's all talk - it's hard to imagine actually stabbing someone. Although if pushed...

    Go-Betty - You just made me laugh out loud. "I want to stab people sometimes, particularly in the eye with a ball point pen." And cartoons are cartoons, no matter how dark.

    Moomser - You are right, and I don't know what the point would be. They weren't rational thoughts, just angryangryangry ones.

    Dana - My pleasure! Thank you!

    Cheryl - I don't know. I genuinely think a lot of people don't think that extremely. It is a very good thing looks cannot kill. I'd be in jail 793 times over.

  11. REALLY good thing looks cannot kill. I'd never have a job or a partner. Guess none of that matters in jail!

  12. Um, anyone who doesn't want to stab their spouse when they have a 6 month old is lying.

    Or has a full-time nanny.

  13. I've been watching a lot of 48 Hours and 20/20 pieces about the murdering of spouses, with the surviving spouse always claiming that they've been wrongly accused, based on comments or actions that were taken out of context. Reading this, all I can think is, "Dear God. Please don't let Nick die under suspcicious circumstances, or our dear Lisa is SCREWED."

  14. As a divorce attorney, I can assure you that you are NOT the only person that wants to stab his or her spouse. I'm working more of a "punch you in the face and/or junk" fantasy, but I may have to consider an upgrade to the stab...

  15. I've never personally thought about stabbing my other half. However, I do have this dream where I go onto fame and fortune and he's stuck in his job for the rest of his life while I go on to being a famous writer. It's really great. For a little while.

    But other times, it's really mostly just about telling him to freakin' put his big boy under-roo's back on and act like a man! >.<

    Men can be such .... children sometimes!

  16. Ha! I have a friend who comes up with the best burial hiding places at their house with her husband. You know, in case one of them offs the other. I particularly enjoyed the "I'll bury you in cement and make a nice patio on top" idea.


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