Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Corporeal punishment. (Or: Spanx me!)

I don't know about you, but I have a much lower tolerance for discomfort than I used to.

Also, those aren't real pockets. I mean, they are, but mostly they're part of the 60s design, which you can see if you you embiggen the photo. I guess you might be able to keep a piece of gum or a small gecko in them, but not much more than that or they would bulge.

But the discomfort business. I can't figure out if this is a result of age or the toll of post-pregnancy or being a mother and needing to find practical things like Danskos attractive.

That said, I loved my neon green Relax tank top to death in the 80s, and of course there was the wretched Disco 69 T-shirt, so my taste has probably always been questionable.

But really. Some of the heels I used to mince around in are unimaginable to me now. My toes are less cooperative about being squinched. And my hip bones are less forgiving of the waistband of certain jeans. The pokey-forwardy hips are a direct result of pregnancy, I think.

Like, my stomach got less flat, but my hips decided to poke forward more. One more kid and they'll be able to see Russia from our porch.

Anyway, now we don't likes my old jeans. Wicked, tricksy, false! Now we likes spandex in our jeans, my precioussss. We also like yoga pants, even though we don't do yoga. But we can't go to work in them.

So, let's talk about my Spanx issue.

I got this dress in Paris and then was too pregnant to wear it. And then I couldn't wear it to work because of the pumping, because who wants to sit in the lactation room practically naked? Not I. But now I can wear dresses and it's wool and Dear Lord please let winter end but in the meantime I'm going to wear my wool as much as I can.

Right. OK.

Let's just be honest here: This is a first-world problem, but sometimes, for some non-yoga pantsy outfits, I need a few things squozen.

I just got this desperately needed black pair, because my beige pair has bitey seams on the inner thigh and also, I wear a lot of black and let's just say the beige pair is not invisible with black tights.

Which brings me to Spanx. These are the first actual Spanx squeezer-inners I've actually purchased. And they work! Oh, they do!

My Spanx are currently killing me providing a smooth silhouette and discreetly helping me squeeze the shit out of my thighs  into rock one of my favorite dresses. I bought them for the thigh business, but as an added bonus, they also cut off my stomach circulation slim my tummy.

It's really only when I sit down, though. I feel great when standing or walking.

So far, I'm a fan.


  1. You're very stylish (everyone's style was questionable in the 80's!) and this is my favorite outfit of's a perfect dress for you. Your arms are more toned than the First Lady's! Rock it Lisa!

    I've never tried Spanx but was planning to go to Nordstrom this weekend because I'm in a friend's wedding in a couple of weeks. It's going to be a fun weekend, hoping to dance with some cute cowboys so I want to look good :)

    1. Oh, thank you, Heather! I do love this dress. It's not ideal for my figure (hence the squeezing) but it was just so cool I had to get it. They only had yellow or black. If they'd had fuchsia, I'd have been over the moon.

      You will look gorgeous, Spanx or no. But yay for being in a friend's wedding and dancing with cute cowboys! :)

    2. And also, thank you for the awesome comparison to the First Lady's arms! Seriously flattered.

  2. I love this outfit too! So French!

    I tried spanx for my midsection once, to wear to my husband's high school reunion. Bought them even though they were really uncomfortable and didn't seem to do much for me; hauled them to Oregon; rebelled against them at the last minute and was glad I brought a backup outfit. Luckily I was able to return them. I love Nordstrom.

    But yeah. The level of constriction combined with the fact that they did not flatten my tummy? Nope.

    I'm glad they work for you! I'm guessing you would look fabulous with or without them.

    1. Thank you! This was a foray into short boots with tights. I think it worked.

      Nordstrom is amazing. Such lovely stores and wonderful customer service.

      They squoze my thighs in enough to make the dress work, but by afternoon I could not WAIT to take them off, and did so as soon as I walked in the house. It's the waist pinching that really drove me crazy.

  3. I may or may not have created my own version this past weekend, by cutting the legs off a pair of control-tops. I suspect it would have gone much better had I purchased the real deal.

    Which I will do posthaste and twelve times over, if it will make my arms look like yours.

    1. Did they roll up at the bottoms? That's the part I'd worry about. I've cut the feet off of tights and they roll, so I'd assume they would.

      And oh, what a compliment! Thank you thank you!

  4. I died laughing at the porch comment! HA! I've tried Spanx and it just moves all my fat to other places and my eyes bulge out and I dream of getting home and taking a breath. You look smoking hot in that dress btw. You can wear wool? makes me itch to think of it.

    1. Oooh, so glad you liked the porch comment! I was hoping someone would!

      I have to say, typically my stomach is not anything I worry about, as it's not where my weight goes. It's mushier since childbirth, no matter how many ab exercises I do. But with the spanx, they did cut into my waist, which served to squeeze some flab up above. Not comfy.

      Thank you for the hot compliment! :) As for the wool - it's lined. Unlined would definitely itch.

  5. What on earth needs spanx on your tiny lithe body???? You look FAB!

    1. Oh, Kris. Thank you thank you!

      I am far from our dysmorphic high school days, thank god. I work to be thin and muscular, I know I'm not fat, and in fact, like my body now. But every once in a while I buy a piece of clothing that my body shape doesn't naturally fit. A-lines are great for me. Whenever dresses are straighter, I need some thigh squeezing.

  6. By mid-afternoon I was definitely feeling that way. So tight and squeezy and stomach-cut-offy.

  7. Spanx...a torture device surly straight from hell, which I don't believe in, therefore, a man must have invented them. I have worn them exactly once, at my daughters wedding. And they didn't stay on all night. I've never worn girdles. My generation didn't believe in them and in those wonderful days I didn't need them. I definitely needed something for the wedding but, OMG, they were terribly uncomfortable and did indeed "move all my fat to other places" lol, Lynn. They are probably not too bad for more slender people like you. I've also given up high heels except on very special occasion. Geeze, I'm old.

  8. Oh, I love the dress! It looks great on you!


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