Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I can see your butt, or sundry DC sights down on the National Mall

I was out walking down on the Mall with a friend on a recent evening. It was gorgeous, perfect, lovely to be out walking in the finally it's summer! heat.

It was that delicious beginning of summer weather that feels fraught with promise and makes you want to take off all your clothes and drink really cold beer out of the bottle while lying in a hammock on a porch. If I had a porch and lived way out in the country where I had no neighbors for miles - which actually will never happen because that is one of my definitions of hell - that is exactly what I'd do.

In any case, we were walking and this cute young guy jogged by. With no shirt on.

Which on the one hand was wow, because he had broad shoulders and a muscular back and narrow waist. But on the other, was kind of unfortunate. Because his shorts had slid down his hips to where you could see the top of his butt.

We saw him go by and remarked on it, and that would've been that. Except that we all got stopped at the same light on the next corner.

And he turned his back to us. I was wondering if we should tell him that he was showing butt cleavage. Just a little. Or maybe he wanted to show off? Or didn't care? Would he rather be told or not?

How do you tap someone on the sweaty shoulder and say, "Um, I can see your butt."?

I started to giggle. Like a dork. Cute young guy. Hee hee hee. I can see his butt. Hee hee. And he has no underwear on. Hee. . .Wait, what?

And then a larger question popped into my head. Was he really not wearing underwear? Wouldn't it be uncomfortable to run and have your wing-wang flopping around in the breeze? Why would a guy go out for a run with no underwear?

I knew that if I opened my mouth, all these questions would come tumbling out.

Thankfully the light changed. I giggled all the way across the street. Because I'm, like, twelve.

Oh, and Wonkette - thanks very much for the mention!


  1. Compression shorts, or something similar, do the trick. I don't like the feeling of my first mate bounding back and forth as I run. To each their own, I suppose.

  2. This post made me giggle!

    This is EXACTLY why old men have balls which hang down to their knees.

    Did I just say that? So not like me. I've been watching too much "Rescue Me" on FX.

  3. Lisa,

    I say this with great authority, as I'm a runner and (notably) a dude.

    He wasn't not wearing underwear. Surely he was wearing athletic shorts that have (what I like to call) "automatic underwear."

    To wit: I'm a boxer guy, so the idea of strapping-on a pair of Tidy Whities under running shorts shorts... well, that's just too much clothes to be moving and sweating in. So, I (and I imagine also your muse for this post) buy only shorts that come with the thin-mesh "undercarriage" built right in.

    Of course, the hazard being that one must tighten the drawstring 'round the waste, lest there be unexpected butt-cleavage.

    My .02; hope it helps!

  4. Oh my... I would've giggled right along! BTW, "wing-wang flopping in the breeze" has GOT to be the funniest phrase I've read all week!!

  5. I-66 - If I were a guy, that's what I'd wear then - compression shorts. I am wondering if Justin is right on what he had on, actually.

    HKW - Yikes! My mind didn't travel that far! Hilarious!

    Giordano - I say it all the time. Ha.

    Justin - I think you must be right. That makes the most sense. Especially because it sounds like you know what you're talking about.

    G&D - It was a very giggle-able situation. And thanks!

  6. "Wing wang"? You're not 12 sugar booger, you're six. So there. Nah, nah, nah.

    There is an old man of about 65 or 70 who walks at the park we go to during the week. I swear he does not wear underwear. The other day he walked past me and my gf and he had his shirt off and his skimpy shorts pulled up and the sight of him took our breath away. It was absurdity on two very old legs. I looked at my gf and said, "If he is ever forced to put on underwear, then the terrorists have won."

  7. Ha ha! It's not that I can't say penis - it's just that I like how wing-wang sounds! But it still might be true that I'm six. Thanks for the story. Don't let the terrorists win!

  8. I loved this! I would've been giggling as well.

  9. Cute guy butt cleavage is kinda hot...

  10. I have little doubt that this "dude" is one of Bush's court eunuchs.

    He has no wing-wang-woodle to speak of, thus, he is free to roam as the spirit moves him. Had you spoken to him, you might well have discovered his secret by the timbre of his voice.

  11. Maybe he likes the feeling of his junk bouncing around like that. Now that the DC Madam's can't be trusted to keep her client lists confidential, a guy's gotta' do something to relieve the stresses of working for the Bush admistration, right?

  12. As a guy with a healthy, Germanic-born and American-football enhanced arse can tell you, we know when our butt is showing.

    Methinks Mr. Cleav was doing this on purpose. Kind of a reverse trolling?

  13. All very intersting, but what I want to know is where Mr. Telecomedian jogs!

  14. Jo - I am sure you would have. If you'd been there we'd definitely have been elbowing each other.

    MM - Hmm. I think I'm opposed to butt cleavage in general, but better on a cute, fit guy, I suppose.

    Otis - Interesting theory. Could be.

    HiN - I dunno. To me, that would add stress. I mean, if I were a guy.

    Telecomedian - He could well have been doing it on purpose. It was a look that worked well for him.

    Anneke - Ha ha!

  15. I was jogging last weekend when a completely nude man ran past me. I wasn't sure when he went by (he was off the trail), but he came back the same way, and I verified-- yep, no clothes whatsoever. His-- er-- wing-wang was certainly not supported, or indeed hidden, in any way.

    I should mention that I live in Boulder, Colorado, I suppose, but honestly, I was shocked to see that on a nice open space trail with lots of families all around. I think it might have been a violation of some type of law.

  16. Actually, having one's wing-wang flapping can often be pleasureable. What's downright uncomfortable, though, is one's yarbles bounging around, especially on hot days when they hang low.

  17. Your commenters are all wing-wangers or downright liars!! I can attest from personal experience that each night before getting on the eliptical at my Y, I definitely suit up commando. Who wants fabric getting tangled all up in your bits. They take care of themselves just fine. And perhaps I'll even develop that old man low hanger thing, which your commenter mentioned like they were a bad thing.

  18. N-D - Ha ha - this is exactly the kind of thing I hear about Boulder! Clearly I'm wrong in my assumption that naked outdoorsy people go out hiking in droves there.

    B - That comment made me laugh out loud.

    HdB - Um, I'm not sure what to say, as obviously I can only speculate on what I'd want if I were a guy.


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