Thursday, January 24, 2008

Forced butt assessment

Out of the blue, my butt seemingly doubled in size. The truth is, it's probably not more than a pound or two. But I'm short; it all shows.

Pants that two weeks ago were loose are tight. And if you are not at home, you have no options. You have to wear too-tight pants to work. This, of course, feels great.

The too-tight pants morning conversation:

"I've gained weight. Don't you think? Have I suddenly gotten fat?"

No response.

I turn around, facing my butt to him, talking to him over my shoulder. "Look at my butt. Doesn't it look bigger?"

He gets all squirmy, still without responding.

I turn and face him, and look him straight in the eye. "Don't you think?"

He looks like a deer caught in headlights. "I. . .I don't know how to answer that."

"It's bigger, right? Just tell me."

"Well, yes."

"I've gained weight. We're eating too much."

"Those pants are tighter than they were."

"But were you looking at me before thinking, 'Oh, her butt! She's gained weight,' or did you just think that because you saw me in these pants?"

He clearly hates this topic. He so doesn't want to be talking about the increased size of my butt, and whether or not he was thinking this before, or if it's the pants.

"We'll go on a diet. We're going to start running more this weekend."

"I don't want to go on a diet. I want my normal eating back. I want my old butt back. I want my butt to be the size it was before."

As in, before you. Implication being, you have singlehandedly and deliberately increased the size of my butt.

Poor man.


  1. Drink more water, less soda/coffee. It's probably just water weight. And keep your butt where it is, for it sounds like a happier place.

  2. When my pants are too tight, which happens more often than I'd like, the Cheez-itz are the 1st to go. Definitely before bacon

  3. FK - Ha ha ha! It is definitely in a happier place.

    HKW - Oh, god! I blamed it all on him and conveniently forgot about ALL THOSE CHEEZ-ITS Iv'e been shovelling into my face! Thanks for the reminder.

  4. Don't obsess about weight so much. If you really really want to, you can drop 15 lbs in one day (wrestlers do it all the time). Of course, you will be dehydrated and lightheaded, will start put it back on at the first glass of water you drink, and will eventually have kidney problems, but it's all about priorities, right?

    Anywho, some guys like a li'l junk in da trunk.

  5. If she drops 15 lbs, she'll completely disappear.

  6. Maybe he's a butt man (Yes, Virginia, they do exist) and this is all part of his cunning plan for a callipygous makeover!

  7. DAMMIT! Now even your COMMENTERS are making me look up words. "callipygous: having well-shaped buttocks.:

    Who knew?

  8. This is totally what happens to me when I'm in a relationship. Although it's never my butt, which is sad, because I WANT a bigger butt.

    Dear Butt,
    Please do what Lisa's did.


  9. Mary - Thanks! I've never wished for a bigger butt, but this makes me feel better.

    HIN - I try not to, I really do. As for the wrestlers - that's just nuts.

    I-66 - I so have to buy you some alcohol next time I see you.

    GaryQ - Very astute you are.

    Rich - I know. These smartypants commenters. I love it.

    Nicole - This is one of the 85 thousand reasons I adore you, even though I don't know you.

  10. Does your cruelty know no bounds? You are hilarious. Poor guy.

  11. He should have kept it simple . . . told you your butt is HOT . . . and kissed you to shut you up.


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