Tuesday, February 17, 2009

In other words, it's best to have the wheel when traversing all this pastoral charm

As we were driving from his parents' house to his cousin's place for brunch, Nick took a detour past a graveyard on a hillside that he loves.

He pointed to an old farmhouse.

"Wouldn't you love to live there?"

He knows full well I wouldn't.

"Wouldn't it be perfect to come home and sit on the porch, and watch the sun set behind the hill?"

Nick would love to live way the hell out in nowhere. And I'd rather spoon my eyes out than live in some bucolic area, beautiful as much of New Jersey may be.

"You can buy that house with your next wife. Your next wife will love that kind of thing."


"Yes. And your next wife will never get upset about your food choices."

"My next wife sounds fantastic."

"She'll never worry about your cholesterol. In fact, she'll eat bleu cheese-stuffed, bacon-topped burgers and fries with you. And instead of getting upset, she'll suggest seconds."

"I'm going to love her so much."

"And then you can come home after your artery-clogging meal, and sit on your porch together and unbutton your tight pants and fold your hands over your bellies. And then at some point she'll get you another beer, and then a bowl of ice cream."

"That sounds wonderful."

"And then you'll go upstairs and have all kinds of anal sex."

"Yeah. For like the fifth time that day. With you."

"Me? I'm not there. I'm in Italy."

"No, you're there. We'll have regular threesomes with you. Even though you're in a coma."

"I'm not in a coma."

"You absolutely are. You're upstairs in a coma. But I still love you anyway."

"Am not. I'm on the Amalfi coast with Giancarlo. Fondling his incredible abs."

"Not in my fantasy."

"This isn't your fantasy. Give me back my sarcastic story."

It probably goes without saying, but I just feel the need to add. . .There's something very wrong with us. I'm well aware of it.


  1. So... according to Nick, he's either a bigamist, or the kind of person who would divorce his encoma-ed wife.

    Also, are the fries topped with bacon as well, or just the burgers?

    Also, how many kinds of anal sex are there, exactly? I suddenly feel so ignorant...

  2. haha... Listening in on your conversations is so entertaining. Thanks for that. :-)

  3. Dagny - Yes. Although I'm the person foisting the next wife on him, to be fair.

    As for the burgers and frieds, you're right - ambiguously put. I leave it entirely open. Or maybe I should change the wording.

    And I have no vague idea. His next wife, however, she is sure to know.

    VVK - Ha. I'm glad you liked it. :)

  4. It's cute in a sick sort of way that he still wants you there even with his burger eating, fat, anal sex loving next wife!

    When my hubby told me he wanted 5 kids (right after we got married) I told him he better start trolling the high schools because I was FAR to old for that! (Now we're on the fence about having a second!)

  5. i keep telling M all of the things he'll need his other wives to do... i think he may be looking forward to some of them too : )

  6. My mom used to say she killed her first set of kids and she would do the same to us.

    Kinda ties in...this just reminded me of that morbid story.

    There is a reason I am like this, Lisa.

  7. Cheryl - It is cute in a sick sort of way. Perhaps as sick as the vision I'm shoving at him.

    And 5! Holy cow! I think your response to him was PERFECT.

    notsojenny - Oh, good. I am very glad to hear someone else does this as well!

    Lemmonex - I choked on my coffee with that first sentence. Funny, but, if said convincingly, probably terrifying for a kid. There is a reason we are ALL like this.

  8. At least he loves you enough to still include you even though you're in a coma.

    And, hey! I'm one of five. Although the Ps were 25 and 23 when they got hitched and my sister was born, like, a week after their first anniversary.

  9. There's nothing wrong with you guys at all! This just means you have the same sense of humor. It's a good thing. :)

  10. Foggy Dew - Yes, on the, um, bright side? I'm still being included.

    And I'm not saying five is bad for everyone. But definitely NOT a possibility for me, even if I weren't this old. But your parents definitely had youth on their side.

    Zandria - Thank you for that. :)

  11. Too funny. Luke and I have had conversations like this, but not quite exactly like this :) I really like the categories "There's something wrong with us" coupled with "Travel". Made me giggle.

  12. Us too. But it just fits so darn perfectly, doesn't it??

    Btw, I got you a present:


  13. HKW - I'm glad to hear you and Luke have conversations like this...even if not precisely like this. And I totally felt the need to add the new category.:)

    LiLu - Yes, exactly. And thanks for the hilarious present. A friend of mine said, "You know some horrified 20-year-old just saw his mom in that video."

  14. That's funny! I always tell my Hubby to please marry someone rich so I can be his mistress on the side. He usually just walks out of the room.....

  15. Please tell Nick that his fantasy of the bucolic life is all wrong.

    No cable. No high speed internet. No garbage removal.

    A hot date for us is going to the dump on a Saturday afternoon on our way to the library in town where we can use the high-speed internet until 5pm.

    Sure it leaves plenty of time for anal sex afterward, but still - very inconvenient.

  16. While imagining that story unfolding (and GOD, what a crazy image) I keep picturing Nick wearing the gold jacket during the bacon filled threesome.

    Which is partially more disturbing and partially more awesome at the same time.

  17. firstly, the give and take (so to speak) between the two of you was hilarious.

    secondly, if you had told me, pre-spawn, that i would be moving to a town of 5,000, i would have said "no way"!! the little bastards have a way of changing the way you look at the world . . .

  18. Lisa - I read this aloud to him to make sure he realizes all he'd be missing. I thank you very much for the awesome reality check.

    Nicole - The gold jacket! I LOVE that you brought the gold jacket into this. I couldn't have made it more twisted, but somehow, you did.

    LJ - Ha. Thanks. And I know, I know, they change everything. And maybe if I am in a coma it'll seem like a good idea to live near Nick's parents.

  19. I love the dynamic between the two of you :) it makes me hopeful I can find someone that loves me enough to keep me in the attic if I'm ever in a coma.

  20. I love the humour and dynamic you two have. I've been perusing your blog for a while--and I think my own humour is similar to yours, so here's to hoping I find my Nick.


Tell me about it.