Monday, February 23, 2009

Like it would ever occur to me

I'm extremely untidy. If you know me, you know this.

I don't leave dishes - dishes make me crazy. But there are always piles of stuff about. I'm a piler. And a stuff-leaver.

My father, who is both incredibly tidy and a control freak, used to tell me that if any man ever saw the state of my place before I'd cleaned up for company, he would never, ever marry me. This started young, and as a 6th grader, whether some man might or might not marry me was of little concern.

But this was raised continuously over the years, and added to my mental stockpile of possible reasons nobody would ever love me. But size of thighs was always higher on the list, and anyway, cleaning is boring, and so I would always opt for exercise over tidiness.

But despite my messy, messy ways, eventually someone great - a very tidy semi-control freak - decided he really wanted to marry me. Even with the knowledge that order would be a struggle.

And then, as you know, he knocked me up.

So I had the amniocentesis on Friday, and it wasn't so bad.

I mean, the idea of a long needle poking through my belly and into my uterus and sucking out two teaspoons of baby juice totally freaked me out. But the reality was that I didn't watch, that it felt kind of crampy and creepy, and then it was done.

They give you this sheet of instructions for 24-48 hours, including: staying off your feet, no heavy lifting or exercise, and no sex or sexual activity.

That last one I found kind of interesting, and of course in my mind wondered if that meant that if you were into S&M, or a dominatrix or something, could you not give non-strenuous spankings? Or apply nipple clamps or hurty underwear, or I don't know what-all, as long as you didn't exert yourself or get off in the process?

I kept this to myself. I really was kind of terrifiedly worked up. No ability to joke. Even though I was sure everything would be fine. Right?

But still. Big needle, belly poke. Scary.

It did all go well, and the actual needle-fluid-sucking part was very quick. And the office is so friendly.

So once it was done, they made sure I'd read the No Instructions. The doctor was very clear on no exertion and no exercise - not even walking - Friday or Saturday.

She said, "One woman felt fine, so she went home and vacuumed. And then she called us with terrible cramps. Vacuumed! So don't do anything - not even vacuuming!"

Nick leaned forward, "I can absolutely assure you that there is no chance on this earth that Lisa is in any danger of vacuuming."


  1. Hahaha! Nick is funny. :)
    I am going to have to have an amnio eventually too, and it is all I can do to not freak out completely at the thought. But they say it's gotten safer... still yikes! Very very glad yours went well -- and thank you for describing it, it doesn't sound so bad.

  2. Haha. I don't clean either. Thank god Josh does. But if it were up to him we'd eat pizza for dinner every night, so I cook.

    Congrats on getting through he amnio, it sounds terrifying. I'm glad to hear it wasn't as bad as I'm imagining it.

  3. I never liked to vacuum.

    And then I got a Dyson. Woohoo! It's like cleaning with a sci-fi ray gun.

  4. vacuuming is my favorite! it's the only thing i ever volunteer to do. i stay as far away from dirty dishes as possible. before i lived with M i'd often throw them out if they'de been sitting in the sink longer than i cared ot figure out.

    you and i could have gotten married... you could do dishes, i'd vacuum and... well, i guess the rest of the place would look like a tornado hit

  5. awesome! I often wish I had married a cleaning-liking guy, but not sure they exist!

    Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in how you feel about the pregnancy, I felt the same way, yet had 3 in 3 years and am happy to say I AM DONE! And as far as anony-bitch, I am enjoying reading your blog MORE since you have become pregnant, so there! Just want you to know there are people on the other side as well! :-)

  6. This? This is something I do not understand. When you are told to DO NOTHING, how hard is it to just DO NOTHING?

    I mean, so long as you can read Stephanie Meyer books and eat licorice. Or Nutella. Whatever.

    But it's so kind of Nick to offer to protect you from the big mean vacuum cleaner, really. Because that is of COURSE how he meant that.

  7. I knew I loved you. How does Nick deal with your messiness? Is he OK with it? I'm also not the neatest person and my hubby gets all passive agressive, "gee, this floor is dirty" about it and makes me want to smack him. I've started telling him to please feel free to clean anything that's bothering him. Since we BOTH work FT, it's only fair. (Yeah, hell will freeze first, I assure you.)

    Glad the amnio went well. Can't wait to find out who's in there!

  8. I'll do "aerobic vacuuming," slap in my earbuds and see just how fast I can shift the furniture and get it done while still sucking up the majority of the cat hair. Having those slider thingys on the legs of the couch and recliner helps too.

  9. I'm glad to hear your amnio went well. Congratulations!

  10. Lisa - regarding your "messy, messy ways" you have no idea. Anyhow, when I look around at my unbelievable piles of *stuff* I like to think that this is the result of not having been trained properly, and growing up overseas with plenty of servants. whatevah . . .fact is, I have compounded the problem by not training my own spawn - they DO each do their own laundry - I had them start that in middle school, thankfully. My advice to you make the little darling help you around the house as soon as he/she can toddle.

    On a different note - I have been vindicated in not ever making my bed by the scientific knowledge that dust mites actually thrive more in a "made" bed:

  11. Especially if you get off on vacuuming.

  12. God, I need to get pregnant. I hate doing any kind of chore.

  13. I am laughing hysterically right now because a very similar conversation occured with me, my husband and the hospital coordinator before I went in for the baby. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was identical. I had a scheduled c-section (due to baby being breech) and we were talking about what to expect when we came home and the coordinator kept saying that the first week or so I was not to do anything - no laundry or vacuuming or cooking. To which my husband replied that I don't do any of that anyway, so we were golden. I love how people automatically assume the gender roles in relationships. Unfortunately, my husband and I basically the opposite when it comes to housework. Sounds like you & yours are similar. Too funny.

    I'm glad that the amnio went well. I was actually too fearful of the amnio itself to have it done. So I skipped it. Like you said - big needle, belly poke. Eep!

  14. THANKS FOR THE CALL OUT NICK. Apparently it's chop-busting week. Ask anyone.

    Glad it went well!

  15. Um, so the guy I am dating is super duper neat freak times ten. I am not a clean person. I spend about an hour cleaning every time before he comes over. I worry how long I can keep this ruse up.

  16. Let's just hope you never consider vacuuming a form of exercise like some of us do (ahem).

  17. A.S. - First he snorted involuntarily. I left out that part.

    As for the amnio, I was so damn scared - but I was more scared not knowing. And honestly, I didn't find it bad at all, although I was mildly crampy that afternoon and just off the next day. I think your uterus just freaks out a little, quite frankly.

    Maiden Metallurgist - It was so much worse in my imagination. Except for cramping, the actual amnio part was actually not as painful as my flu shot last year.

    Malnurtured Snay - Like cleaning with a sci-fi ray gun. I love that description so much.

    notsojenny - The good news is, neither of us would care that the place looked like a tornado hit. So we could live peacefully, if filthily.

    Katie - Thank you thank you. Three in three years! You are so much stronger than I! I keep thinking, there's no fucking way I can do this again. Nonononono. No matter what my husband wants, no matter what I thought I wanted.

    Dagny - I think you are exactly right. He was being lovely and protective. And I am not always such a good do-nothinger, but I did it remarkably well this weekend! So much licorice! So much television! So much napping!

    Cheryl S - I do think every once in a while he probably wants to stab me, and sometimes I briefly loathe him for being bossy about what we need to do, but most of the time we're OK.

    We have different things that bug us, and while I know when my piles get to a drive-him-crazy point because he tells me he can't take it anymore, for the most part, we do clean the things that bother us. He'll pile dishes in the sink, and I'll put them in the dishwasher or wash the ones you can't, because I simply cannot stand them in the sink. He HAS to wash the sheets on Sunday - whereas I'd let them go for two weeks. He sometimes puts my clothes away when they're folded and clean but just sit for too long. He does make me squeegee the shower - which I would never, ever do if left to my own devices.

    J - I can't say this motivates me to vacuum, but it does impress me for sure. I have read that housework really does burn some calories.

    Luna - Thank you! And thank you for the nice comments on the weekeend's post. I'm sorry you're having all those uterus pains. I have twinges, but they aren't bad (yet).

    LJ - Yah, I blamed it on growing up spoiled with servants for years and years. But my brother has turned out to be a total neat freak. I think this is a need to control his environment, personally. But it blows my raised not doing anything argument to hell.

    And I see no point in making the bed. So I am glad to have scientific evidence that it is worse for you!

    Susan - Pregnant brain slow...and then when I got it, I laughed so hard!

    FreckledK - Well, that's definitely one way to look at it! Haha!

    SM - You are totally right! That's a huge gender assumption. And I do laundry - we both do. He makes the bed because I can't lift the mattress and I can't squeeze my hands between the bed frame thing and the mattress to get sheets on. He cooks more, but mainly because he has to have meat all the time and I'm not so much on the handling of raw meat. And I kitchen-clean up. But I would have NO PROBLEM not doing anything for weeks on end if I were let off the hook. Would be glorious.

    LiLu - Thank you. I'm relieved. As for Nick, I feel like if I can dish it out, I ought to be able to take it, you know?

    Lemmonex - I feel for you. That is really hard. Everyone I've ever dated has been so much cleaner than me. And I know I have frustrated people along the way.

    Lisa - You know, I have heard that housework is cardio. And at least you have some very constructive compulsive behavior!!!

  18. See? the upside of pregnancy. Physically not being ALLOWED to clean.

  19. With that money tree you have in the back yard, I have one word for you -- maids. (When I was a bachelor, it was very helpful... Get a maid, get some laid.) There's nothing like getting home, crawling into bed, and smelling fresh clean sheets. After we got married, the wife was like, "oh no, we're not getting rid of Constance and Carmen." Weekly is good. Twice a week is Godliness. It's a burden.

  20. Glad things went well! And your marriage sounds like perfect heaven - just like mine! Hee hee - I too am a messy piler, while Hubby is a semi-neat freak. Perfect combo as long as we always support each other.

    And I know you were too freaked out to ask, but I would have LOVED to have heard the answers to those S&M questions....and to have heard what the nurse's face looked like!!

  21. Congrats on the having endured the procedure and on having the great excuse to throw out there any time you don't feel like doing anything.

    I've always been the clean one in the relationship, but I'd gladly hand over those reins to a neat freak. A neat freak who looks like Hugh Jackman.

  22. My mom says the same thing to me. There is hope!

  23. the older i get the more i appreciate a clean house - but i'll never be elevated to the level of "clean freak" - as for the vacuuming? at the moment, my cord is a fire hazard from being run over & sucked up in the rollers once too many. if i vacuum i could start a fire. shucks. i'm so torn.


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