Wednesday, February 18, 2009

In foulness and in health

I'm not saying I believe you have to be married to have a kid. I'm not even saying I think you should.

I'm just saying that I'm really glad Nick is legally locked in at this point.

Because while overall things have gotten a lot easier, there are some pregnancy parts that suck a tremendous amount of ass.

For me, it's not the tiredness, although I do sleep a lot more than I do anything else besides work. And Nick is amazing about picking up the slack at home. While I'm curled in a ball, sound asleep.

It's not even the out-of-nowhere (but in the moment unstoppable) bitchiness - "Would you say that the last five songs that have played are representative of your taste in music, or is this just a particularly annoying streak?"

And it's not the lack of desire - "Keep that thing the hell away from me. That's how I got here in the first place." - although I hope to all that is holy that this passes sooner rather than later. Because isn't the second trimester supposed to be a sextravaganza?

Nick may disagree with me on what's most dreadful - I haven't asked.

But for me, the worst of it is the gas that honest-to-Christ could kill farm animals.

It's much like the horrendously humiliating Turkey poo experience. I am just so thankful that it would take legal intervention and some amount of cash and hassle to sever this currently malodorous union.

See, pregnancy makes you poo less. So that your future progeny can suck out as many nutrients as possible as the food travels through you. Which, it turns out, results in the kind of gas that should be bottled as WMDs.

I swear to you, I woke up last night, turned over, and was blasted with the foulest stench. And I was all retchingly offended. "Ni-i-ick!"

He woke up enough to say, "Lisa. That's been you. All. Night."

It was terrible. Truly. The kind of terrible that makes the flight attendant rush toward you with air freshener.

And this just makes you want to crawl under the covers and die.

Although you realize that considering the gaseous composition festering under there, that would in fact be the likely outcome.


  1. Sorry Lisa, but I just have to say...that is so hilarious!

  2. Oh my lord... I am never getting pregnant... I would literally kill people if I went up a few more notches in intensity!

  3. ok but here's the thing - boys fart all the damn time. and boy farts = death. so one day, when you're not pregnant, you will be finished farting like a stinky maniac. but nick will still fart. so really, he's the ass, not you.

  4. Maiden Metallurgist - You have no idea.

    Carolyn - Nobody warned me adequately! This is terrible!

    LiLu - From what you've described, I'd say odds are you'd definitely be lethal.

    Hillary - Hahaha! You are right! When I'm no longer pregnant, Nick will still be a fart ass...It reminds me of that Churchill quote - you know the one? I'll have to go searching.

  5. Haha, I can't wait to hear what Churchill had to say that would apply here :)
    And, omg, I know EXACTLY what you mean.

  6. I have issues with...functions... in front of people. This could be a problem for me.

  7. Are you sure this post shouldn't be tagged "prophylactic descriptions of pregnancy that read like a 'Scared Straight' video for those unsure about spawn?" I guess that would be too long anyway.

  8. A.S. - Apparently some version of this quote is attributed to him but not 100% certain that he did say it...
    "Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
    Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober."

    So it's not about farting or pregnancy, but you see how I might've leapt there? And glad you know how much I am not exaggerating. (I mean, sorry for you, but glad to be in good company.)

    Lemmonex - It's horrendous, really. And when you fart in your cube, you just have to pray that nobody comes over for a good 5 minutes.

    restaurant refugee - While that is an extremely creative and apt description, yes, too long. But if I'd read this pre-preg, it'd definitely have clenched my uterus shut. Who knew?

  9. This cracked me up, only because I can totally, totally relate. I'm not at the super-gassy phase yet with Joey, but with Zeke, it got so bad that Jason rigged a can of Oust onto a loop that I could wear as a necklace, so that I always had air freshener close by. Luckily for us, we have no trouble farting in front of each other, so it was all pretty funny.

  10. I'd like to weigh in with the fact that farm animals are easier to accidentally kill than one might think.

  11. How did the spray bottle filled with pee for the wedding venue not make it into this post? Nick should guest-post again prior to the arrival of little one!

  12. It really is quite astonishing how little people know about being pregnant until they either are or people they know are. This did make me burst out laughing, though, so if nothing else, pregnancy is pretty funny :)

  13. I wish I could say that this is one of those pregnancy symptoms that gets better later on, but I'm here at 21 weeks thanking GOD that I have an office, not a cubicle. I highly recommend Febreze Air Effects. I have the apple spice & delight, and it does a great job of masking my smells without being too perfumy.

  14. Your anticipated endorsement contract with Kellogg has been revoked because your recent gassy behaviour is not consistent with the image of Kellogg.

  15. Ha! Oh yes, I can see how that Churchill quotation is perfect here. And, oh my yes, wouldn't it be nice to have an office like Luna? Sigh.

  16. I never knew that pregnancy made you poo less, but it makes total sense.

    And now? I'm NEVER having a baby.

  17. I have to admit that, while I'm so happy for you, and I'm getting to the point where I fondly look at other people's kids, that right there might be effective birth control for at least another year or so!

    I'd assume it means your baby is going to be fantastically healthy and full of nutrients!

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