Monday, August 10, 2009

Birthday platforms, foot binding and tapeworm

So ever since deciding to postpone induction, I've gotten a little more zen about being pregnant for the rest of my life.

Or at least for a whole nother week.

Yesterday I picked up a totally-on-sale-cheap-and-cute! top and pair of capris at Target to wear on Thursday for my birthday. When I am certain to still be pregnant.

I am going to look cute, dammit, and I'm going to go out and celebrate. I'm going to wear the platform shoes above, which I miss like crazy. Even if this means Nick has to carry me.

And seriously. Where is my palanquin? Why am I not being carried around?

I'm sure you're starting to wonder where this is going and what will actually be the point in all this?

I'm sitting around getting pregnanter and pregnanter, and my already stretched tummy, the one that could touch Russia, is getting even more distended.

So I started thinking about foot binding. And how tight binding might actually be a good strategy with the belly for holding it all in.

But I imagine that you'd have to start earlier than now, and what if you warped your kid? Like, he came out with rib indents in his thigh? Or worse, his forehead?


Which then led me to tapeworm.

And let me make one thing clear: Normally I don't think of the kid as a parasite.

Or anyway, not lately.

I haven't thought of him in that way regularly since he got big enough to seem like an actual human in there. Rather than some small, unimaginable being that just made me feel like complete crap all the time.

So supposedly, if you have a tapeworm - which I have never had, but desperately, fucked-up-ly, wanted in high school, because how skinny would you be? - you can entice it out with milk. Like, you sit in a warm milk bath, and it gets all curious, and comes on out and drowns in the milk.

Or maybe you hold a glass of milk in front of your mouth and catch it.

A significantly more horrifying exit, in my opinion.


This then led me to wondering what one might use to entice a baby out. They come out sort of discombobulated and not used to eating with their mouths, right?

So the milk bath would be pointless.

But maybe some fun music, played right outside your hoo-ha? Or shaking a rattle down there? Or Barney songs? Teletubbies?



  1. Sean in NOLA8/10/2009 12:56 PM

    Thanks for the laughs on a Monday. The visual on the last paragraph just makes me roar with laughter.

  2. I am glad to hear that! :) And if you have any suggestions, I am all ears.

  3. As your child, he should go for M&Ms. If you want to share:)

  4. Hahahaha!! Teletubbies!
    How about a really bright light? Babies sometimes like to look at the lights...

  5. And...
    Your doctor may have mentioned...
    Sex sometimes works...

    I looked at my doctor like his head was spinning and the devil spoke when he told me that.

  6. Mary - M&Ms! I would share, for sure. I think a pound of plain ones, open and shaken, could be a great enticement.

    And my OB did not tell me that, but a number of other people have. (I've been on the fence about writing about it.) You do think they are the devil when they suggest such an unimaginable thing at this point. And then desperation kicks in...

    A.S. - Flashlight! Yes! Ha! :)

  7. Oh teletubbies for your baby. It is WAY too cool for that.

    And your shoes are fabulous and this is another reason I think you are wonderful...rock out. Make Nick carry you.

  8. A boob. But I doubt that yours would stretch all that way. You'll need a stand-in. And, no, I am NOT offering. :-D

  9. I just had a vision of you shaking a rattle by your hoo haa trying to entice the baby out. I get the feeling your not above doing that at this point. :)

  10. I'm not sure you could entice the baby out -- it's got a nice, cozy home that it likes just fine -- but I went on many, many long walks in the days just preceding going into labor. People told me to have sex as well, but the thought of it at that point made me want to shoot myself, so I passed.

  11. does the tapeworm come out your mouth? because I think I would want to die if a tapeworm came out my mouth. also, I think you are a rockstar for wearing those shoes when you are pregnant. I'm fairly certain that I would fall off those shoes even in my non-pregnant state.

  12. So, I've heard of two ways to naturally induce. The Italian induction is oral sex, culminating in orgasm. The other way is long walks, preferably uphill.

    Both sound like a much more fun way to get the job done than getting pumped full of pitocyn.

  13. Some cultures actually do a "binding" after the birth. A wrap is put around the belly tightly and kept on all the time. It's supposed to help your abdominal muscles remember their original form and get tighter faster. I didn't hear about this soon enough, but it's supposed to work great.

  14. those are some hot shoes! i must admit i just skimmed the rest of your post as i was thinking of your shoes. off to read it again :-)

  15. Lemmonex - I loathe the Teletubbies. Loathe. I hope he will be too cool.

    And I love those shoes so much. I used to just tromp around in the house in them, just because they made me happy.

    Lisa - The idea of that makes me laugh out loud. Mine or anyone else's.

    swaaan - I am not above much at this point.:)

    Wendy - I know - he's all snuggled in and in no hurry. I have been trying with the walking, but it's so bloody hot now. I'm doing stairs.

    As for the sex, it doesn't make me want to shoot myself, but I can think of 8 million funner things.

    Hillary - I assume it could come out either end?? And I, too, think I would die. I didn't think it through when I wished for one in my eating-disordered high school days.

    As for the shoes, they are so comfy. I am just going to need Nick's help with constant balance just in case. But in them I am 5'8"! Do you know it's my dream to be that tall?

    Miss Dallas - I won't go into detail here, but there are logistical problems with the Italian business. And the walking - it's 100 degrees out today. But I am trying to do a ton of stairs.

    Amisare - That's actually really interesting. I'm going to Google it. Because I really would like my tummy back.

    mrsmac - Fantastic shoes have the exact same effect on me. All the rest is like listening to the adults in those Peanuts cartoons.

  16. Teletubbies near the hoo-ha has to be one of the most frightening things I've ever heard of.

  17. Those shoes are perfect for a Leo birthday! I'm celebrating on Thurs. too (actual b-day the 16th) and am planning to wear a shimmery gold leopard print skirt =)

  18. much like the Lisa above the first thing that came to mind was a boob... more specifically a lactating one. not sure who you know that might want to help you out with that one.

    and the tapeworm thing only conjures images of a scene from Poltergeist

  19. Nick is so ginormous he could probably carry you without even noticing, so WEAR those shoes! Woot!

  20. Barney shaking near your hooha? LOL!
    We used the age old And our son was 2 weeks early. Hey, if he wanted to have sex with a big tummied gal...who am I to discourage him. Although once he heard it may bring on contractions, it cooled him a bit. Just a bit. LOL.

  21. Well, since most of my friends seem to have their kids at very inopportune times, your birthday celebration may just do it for you!

    My friend was going to a party. She was looking forward to the shrimp puffs that her mother in law made. Her water broke as she stepped through the door. To this day, when talking about her daughter's birth, she'll get pissed that she missed the shrimp puffs!

  22. you must be able to rent a palanquin SOMEWHERE in DC . . .

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  24. I wanted to be skinny, but the parasite coming out always grossed me out too much to actually want one. You might be demented on this one.

    And Kudos to you for wanting to wear those on your birthday WHILE pregnant!!!!

  25. LiLu - He is, but I'm no longer so small, so I think he'd notice. But I'm sure he'd do it anyway.

    JennyMac - Two weeks - lucky! I seem to have a Very Stubborn Cervix.

    cla517 - I would be deeeeelighted. I wouldn't care where we were or what food I missed.

    LJ - There MUST be palanquin rental somewhere around, you're right!

    Jules - I will be the first to admit how unhealthy I was in high school.

    And I just love platforms. I've been so sad to give them up recently.

  26. Um, and pregnant brain oops!

    Lisa - I know! They probably bite.

    Raw Food, Real People - Another Leo! Animal prints and metallic - fantastic combo!

    notsojenny - It does seem like an impossibility, doesn't it?

    And tapeworm are terrible.

  27. Isnt there a commandment about coveting someone elses shoes??
    Oh no thats right thats coveting someone elses wife.
    So its all good then I am ok the covet your shoes.
    Its my birthday tomorrow (12th) and I want to wear some shoes like that on my birthday....instead I will be sitting exams for my business studies, how sucky is that!
    You are looking great gal. Cherub will here soon :)

  28. Happy Birthday Week!

    Maybe play 80's music near the baby house entrance/exit? 80's music cures everything?

  29. Those shoes are fierce and I commend you for wearing them for your bday. Way to rock it.

  30. You could feel better by ... dringin on the wrong side of the road, calling things by improper and odd names, use weird three prong electrical outlets, and listening to people sing your rock-n-roll anthems badly... or you could just go to Scotland. 'Allo from Edinburgh (doesn't sound like "Pittsburgh"). Note to Lisa -- having toddlers and being married doesn't mean you can't live the rest of your life like Gypsy Kings. we, we American family, are tooling round the Empire in a Defender 90 -- slinging hash and the kids. Summer of 09.

  31. Go-Betty - I am not so good with my commandments, but I'm pretty sure shoe coveting is just fine.

    And yay - happy birthday! Sorry about the exams. Very un-birthday celebratory.

    HKW - Ha! Thank you! And the 80s! How could I forget the 80s???

    Mb - Thank you! I adore these shoes.

    Anonymous - At the moment, reading all that makes my head spin. But maybe non-preg it would make me feel better! Have fun in Scotland!

  32. Love the shoes- you're going to look fabulous on your birthday! Last paragraph is great! Good luck w/ the Barney music!


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