Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I gave myself to sin. I gave myself to Providence.

I really want to stick my feet in Nick's koi pond.

This is not a euphemism for anything.

The fact is that I have of late become obsessed with water and ice.

Nick had to forcibly restrain strongly discourage me from climbing into one of those ice bag freezers outside a convenience store on Sunday.

So the lobby of Nick's building has this marble koi pond with these pretty orange and white fish. Normally, I find koi kind of creepy, with their big, gaping mouths and their interest in passers-by.

But the other night, while waiting in his lobby, I had this nearly irresistible urge to get in that marble pond.

It just looked so refreshingly chilled. And the stones on the bottom looked so smooth. Even the fish looked cool and smooth.

And I was so hot and tired and sweaty.

Though it's rather shallow, I figured I could submerge a good half my body before anyone even noticed. Plus, the guard knows me. Maybe he wouldn't say anything?

So I confessed this urge to Nick.

He said a couple times per summer people get in trouble for attempting to do just that. The guard has to stop them as they're sitting on the edge, removing shoes and socks.

He gave me a look. He had a tone.

"One," he said, "those fish are expensive. Moreover," he added very sternly, "it's trashy behavior."

Oh. But. It would feel so good!

So last night I suggested we go in after hours and sit with our feet in the pond. Who would know?

He said if anything happened to the fish, they'd play back the security tapes, and know exactly who was responsible.

Which led me to suggest we sneak in wearing Nixon masks, a la The Ice Storm.

"That's a great idea, Lis. Because they'd never be able to identify the big guy in the seersucker suit holding hands with the hugely pregnant woman. Not as long as the two of them were wearing Nixon masks."

Well, yah, there is that.


  1. I just burst out laughing...this image is just too much (the mental visual and the actual drawing ;)

  2. the only thing that would make this story funnier is if Nick had said "gold paisley jacket" instead of "seersucker suit"

  3. The drawing is so awesome!

  4. For some reason, I can't help but think of what a perfect spot to go into labor. I'm a sick ticket. Water birth, anyone?

  5. Gosh, is Nick always such a smarty pants? Crushing a pregnant lady's dream like that? :)

    Love the drawing and imagery which followed.

    In case you do get to dip your feet in the pond I must warn you - fish are very sensitive. Years ago I accidentally killed Luke's pet beta fish by putting pretty glass beads in the bowl (and am still not over it).

  6. moosie - If the boy doesn't arrive soon, it will come to this, I assure you. You'll see us on the evening news, dripping wet, cuffed, in Nixon masks.

    Rindy - :)

    Hillary - Which would of course be perfect, except that he'd be worried about being conspicuous.

    Miss Dallas - Thank you! Much easier with pen and paper than when I try to do it in Photoshop.

    Wahklonamama - Aaaaaaaaghhh! You just made my whole body get all clenchy squirmy, which is not easy to do. No! Even if the idea didn't horrify me, I am certain those koi would try to eat my baby!

    HKW - Oh, no! Such an innocuous thing. I'm sure you felt just terrible.

    I hadn't thought of fish as sensitive, but no wonder Nick was so opposed (apart from my suggested trash behavior). It turns out these are thousands and thousands of dollars worth of fish! Who knew?

  7. You could always compromise and go to one of those spas where they have fish nibble at your tootsies. Or, if you like the whole idea of a public place, go to the National Aboretum. It has a koi pond too.

  8. I know it's going to be a great day when I see an original Lemon Gloria drawing on her blog!

    I can't get the picture of a giant in seersucker and a cute (dare I say, duck-walking?) preggers with Nixon masks on walking toward the koi pond trying to be as inconspicous as possible :)

  9. Has he forgotten the 11th Commandment?

    "Thy women which is with child may doeth WHATEVER she so pleases."

  10. *woman. My brain is hurty today.

  11. I'm sure there are many pairs of people who fit that description! :)

  12. This made me laugh out loud!

  13. Security guard #1, keeping straight face: see anything unusual?

    Security guard #2, gasping for air while stifling giggles: nope.

    Security guard #1: right then. Natural causes.

  14. I submit that persons who maintain a koi pond in an office building in a city built on a swamp, during the most repugnantly hot and humid month of the year, MUST allow gestating personages to submerge themselves or face citation for violations of the Geneva Convention.

  15. I think you should have totally done it. The Nixon masks are the perfect disguise.

    I love the drawing!

  16. Dagny- seconded.
    Lisa, you and Nick made me laugh out loud :)
    Big day tomorrow!!

  17. FoggyDew - The nefariousness of the activity now really appeals to me. I don't want to do it legitimately.

    prettylittletangents - :) Thanks! And can you imagine us sneaking? I can't get anywhere quickly or quietly in my current state.

    LiLu - He is incredibly indulgent, but that one, he seems to have forgotten!

    Sarah - There must be! But perhaps not in that particular building at this time...

    Beach Bum - I'm delighted!

    Susan - It certainly should go that way, shouldn't it?

    Dagny - I agree. And I might print out the lawyerspeak and present Nick with it. He's the one preventing me from doing it at night.

    lifeintheleftlane - Thank you! He is right about how easily identifiable we are at the moment, though.

    A.S. - Dagny is a smarty pants, isn't she?

    And yes, big day! With no sign of anything so far!

  18. OMG My eyes started leaking I was laughing so much at this blog. I can imagine Nick being all stern and lawyer faced and you all guiless expression going "why not ...if we just....." Too funny.

  19. do it! free pedicure too.

    oh wait, wrong kind of fish.

  20. Love the drawing, Made me lol, the nixon masks especially. Maybe your son will wade into the pool when he's older ... Tee hee hee

  21. Your description of the koi pond made me want to take a dip in it, too! But I guess Nick is right. It wouldn't be fair to the fish to invade their space.

  22. Oh also! I love the Belle & Sebastian reference, they're one of my favorites :)


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