At some point in the last couple weeks, a number of people told me what you need to do to hasten labor: have sex.
Quite a few of you have left this in comments as well.
Friends who have given birth, are OBs, or have worked with OBs or midwives told me this one after the other, all right around the same time.
Apparently it has something to do with the hormonal composition of semen working to thin your cervix.
So I went home, armed with this knowledge. I weighed it against voluntarily suggesting an activity which currently not only does not appeal, but strikes me as downright horrendous.
But it's kind of like if you've ever had a job you hate that you've stuck out for a year so you will have it on your resume. Or if you've run a 10K that you weren't in shape for but were determined to finish. Or something of the sort.
I've done both, and know that if I clench my teeth and think of England, I can get through almost anything.
Steeled with this understanding of myself, and sitting in my comfy recliner, I looked balefully across the room at Nick, who was getting ready for bed.
"Apparently, we need to do it."
Surprise and delight from a man who had previously been assured that the doing of IT would likely not take place again until, oh, maybe 2010. And maybe not even then. Because look where it had gotten me.
"Yeah." I added glumly, "It's supposed to thin my cervix. Help get the boy out."
He was all kinds of pleased. I was all kinds of annoyed.
I was, as is currently my wont, sitting bare-bellied, with my hands on my tummy. Because one, it's cool to feel the boy move. And two, it itches less.
I glowered back and forth between Nick and the belly. As if they were in cahoots on this.
And I realized the following: If I put one hand on each side of my belly button and squeezed the skin, it made a ring of concentric circles. And the middle poked out in a rather intriguing way.
So I said, "Hey, look! When I do this, doesn't the middle of my belly button look like the head of a tiny penis?"
Because it did, it really did.
At which point it was Nick's turn to glare at me.
"You want to make sure this isn't remotely appealing for me, don't you?"
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.ReplyDelete
I have to say, I kind of wondered about the suggestion yesterday that a way to bring on labor was oral sex, because it is also my understanding that it's the guy's semen that helps to thin the cervix, not just the act itself. In any event, whatever you guys decided to do (and I don't need the details), I hope it works!!ReplyDelete
OMG. HA HA HA HA!!!!!!ReplyDelete
the fact that you referenced "lay back and think of england" makes me love you even moreReplyDelete
So, um... did you um...ReplyDelete
Wendy - My understanding with that is that the contractions are generally helpful.ReplyDelete
But pretty much everyone else has promoted the semen.
Wicked Courtni - :)
Hillary - I'm so glad to hear that!!
Miss Dallas - I appreciate that. This being a family blog and all. :)
Ain't love grand? ;PReplyDelete
Think of England gave me a good laugh. Leave to Queen Vic!
the hubs has to learn that beggars can't be choosersReplyDelete
i'm sure he enjoyed it just the same, belly button penis or not
This is another one of those post (at which you seem so amazingly adept) that made me laugh way harder than it should have.ReplyDelete
LMAO. Loving it.ReplyDelete
I always assumed it was the contractions too. Much like the contractions help menstrual cramps. So I hear. ;-)ReplyDelete
Kind of like when you don't feel well or have a headache but know that you want to have a good marriage so you do it anyway? Or worse?ReplyDelete
cla517 - Yah, ole Queen Vic!ReplyDelete
notsojenny - I had to stop with the belly button penis, compelling as I may have found it.
restaurant refugee - I am delighted to hear it.
swaaan - :)
Peace Turkey - Exactly!
Jules - I would say less appealing than either of those.
I totally LOLed.ReplyDelete
The woman who taught my birthing class also suggested drinking mineral oil. Of course, it also has a laxative effect, but she said if a person is prepared to deal with that, results are generally good. Maybe you should wait until tomorrow for that, though.
You were brave to even bring it up to Nick! I would have been afraid that his answer would be a happy "hell yes!"ReplyDelete
And I could kiss you for using the word balefully. Love that word.