Monday, July 02, 2007

The undertow

I'm having a nobody loves me and I'm going to die alone kind of evening.

Here's the thing. I know it's not rational. I have a family that loves me. I'm going to see the Director tomorrow - he's coming down and staying till Thursday. And he likes me, I know he does. I have friends that love me. I could call up any number of people right now.

But what would I say? "I feel all alone - tell me you love me? Reassure me?" I have no idea what I'd say.

I realize that this nobody loves me nobody is ever going to love me I'm going to die alone makes no sense if you pick it apart. People love me. And in the end, everyone dies alone.

I go along, splashing in the waves of my life. Sometimes dog-paddling and flailing, sometimes swimming at a good clip. Sometimes body surfing, sometimes just floating, enjoying the rocking motion and the sun and sky above me. Sometimes treading water for what feels like forever. Sometimes doing somersaults. But most of the time, though the sand is constantly shifting below my feet, I can touch reasonably solid ground.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the undertow just sucks me straight out. It's cold, it's dark, there's no ground beneath me for miles, and I'm alone.


  1. *hugs*

    You can't float unless you can relax. Once you float, the waves will slowly carry you back in towards the beach.

    So relaxing is the key. Deep breaths help.

  2. Ride it out, Lisa. I hate evening existential despair, but it does pass.

  3. Karen's right - it will pass. So let it be what it is - a totally natural fear that we all have at one point or another. You've got a leg up that you're honest about it - many people aren't and go miles and miles trying to pretend the possibility is not out there. I think we're always better off when we confront our fears, however depressing their possible reality (however minute) might be.


  4. You are absolutely right. You're being irrational. I think most of us feel exactly the same way. Personally, I call my mom and she always knows what to say without my having to tell her. The same goes for a lot of friends. You don't have to break it down for them, just invite them out for a drink, or a dessert or something. If that doesn't work call me. Slim and I will drive down and you can buy us dinner. I love the Baltimore / DC area.

  5. I know the feeling, and I'm sorry you're having it now. I just hope you know you're not alone. {{hugs}}

  6. VVK - Thanks. I think relaxing is something I haven't done much (any?) of lately.

    Karen - You were absolutely right, and today is better. Evening existential despair sucks.

    HKW - Thank you! :)

    MI - You are right as well, and very insightful. Thank you.

    2x4 - Thanks! What a sweet offer! And it's true - I could just call and see if they wanted to have a drink, wouldn't have to put my angst out there.

    Dagny - I do know that, I really do. I just wasn't feeling it last night.

    Hugs to all of you! Thank you!

  7. Hope you're feeling better. Here's a little something to maybe cheer you up. It's disguised as sad, but really it's very satisfying. For times like these.

  8. I hate those moments of doubt, those feelings that there's nothingness and that's all.

    I'm glad that you can have perspective on it and it sounds like you're better today.

    Phew! I'd hate to have to email you naked pictures of your favorite political figure of pure evil to cheer you up!

  9. J - I love that video clip sooo much!

    DCup - Ha ha ha! If you could email me pictures of them in nothing but chaps that would definitely cheer me up. And scare me more than a little.


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