I learned a new term yesterday morning: plantation shutters.
Maybe the rest of you knew this already. They're inside shutters, and they're what Nick has on the windows. They do a great job of keeping out noise and light, and you can turn the slats to let in or keep out just the right amount of light. They're nice.
Anyway, yesterday Nick was opening the slats to let light in, and I suggested that he stick his penis between them. You know, just so it could peer out into the day.
He looked at me like I had a head injury.
"C'mon! If I had a penis, I totally would."
"You'd stick your penis through the shutter slats?"
"Just out of curiosity. In fact, if I had a penis, I'm sure I'd be tempted to see if it fit in a lot of random places. I'd probably constantly be sticking it in things."
You know I would. In fact, I'd probably clamp something on it. Because I am kind of compulsive like that.
"In fact, I think I'm going to blog about this."
He looked a little pained, and walked into the kitchen.
A few minutes later he returned and said, "You know, I am going to stop suggesting blog topics for you. Because I suggest perfectly funny topics. And what you want to write about is where you'd stick your penis if you had one."
"I'd ask you to reconsider. People are going to think there's something very wrong with you."
So now you know: It's Friday, and there's something very wrong with me.
There's nothing wrong with you. If I had a penis I would do that too. I have conversations like this with my nick all the time, it just fascinates me that he has something hanging there. And facial hair, I have endless facination with his facial hair. I can sit there for hours like a monkey looking at facial hair. I think it's a curiosity thing.ReplyDelete
That's sort of like guys thinking "if I had breasts, I would play with them all day." If you don't have the equipment, it's fascinating... but otherwise, it's only fun when erect... and sometimes not even then.ReplyDelete
Jo - Oh, good. I'm glad to hear this. Nick thought I was completely aberrant. As for facial hair - I always want to pluck it. Which makes him mad, because plucking the beard hairs really hurts. Apparently.ReplyDelete
VVK - You just made me laugh out loud. But would you try to squeeze them into places/things to see if they fit?
What I don't seem to understand is the distinction Nick is trying to make between "perfectly funny topics" and "where you'd stick your penis if you had one."ReplyDelete
To me, that's one big Venn overlap. No?
And why doesn't Nick write about his perfectly funny topics, hmmmmmm?
Would you associate with someone who would dedicate a bok to Sirhan Sirhan?ReplyDelete
So funny and perfectly normal! I would have suggested the same thing, it just seems logical to me. Thanks for a great start to Friday. Happy Halloweenie :)ReplyDelete
Jessica - EXACTLY. Thank you! And that's something I ask him all the time - if you've got so many funny thoughts, why not start your own blog?ReplyDelete
Anonymous - Not sure how this relates, but...I can't say I condone the things he did 40 years ago - but I understand the antiwar sentiment. We're going to have a whole generation of mutilated and super-PTSD-fucked-up men and women from the Iraq war. Could I understand someone taking radical action today to protest it? Absolutely.
Yankee - Yay! Score another one for random hypothetical penis sticking! Happy Halloween to you, too!
I'm ditching my original costume idea (brain-damaged Amy Winehouse, which might be confused with zombie Amy Winehouse). I'm now going as a plantation-shutter-wearing penis.ReplyDelete
oh please, like if he had a rack he wouldn't be pushing them together and seeing what kind of things he could hold in it. same thing.ReplyDelete
I always say that if I had a penis I would put it on everything! On door handles especially. It's the best sort of revenge I can think of wreaking on my roomates.ReplyDelete
Glad it's not just me!
There's something wrong with me too because I find this post delightfully funny - including Nick's reaction!ReplyDelete
I love plantation shutters - the house I grew up in had them on each window.
Jordaan - I love you so much. Also, please take a picture and post it. :)ReplyDelete
notsojenny - I have to imagine he would.
Teeny - This really, really makes me laugh. I love the idea of setting your fictional penis on door handles.
HKW - Soooo happy to hear that, because I think of you as much more normal (in a good, not dull, way) than me! And plantation shutters are so lovely. I'd never had them before.
The penis through the slats reference took me back to my youth. I had a neighbor who used to do that. We weren't allowed to Trick or Treat at his house, for some reason.ReplyDelete
EEEEEE! It's probably a good thing he didn't, then. I'd hate for someone to see and label him Creepy Penis-Peeking Neighbor or something of the sort.ReplyDelete
haha I love it!ReplyDelete
So sad that Nick has lost his inner child, but maybe easier on his penis. You on the other hand can relate perfectly to a 2 year old boy because that's usually when the overwhelming urge to put their nifty penis in and on all kinds of stuff takes over. Even though his penis probably had plenty of opportunity to try on all kinds of things before his memory kicks in, you might want t remind Nick that he couldn't reach the blinds at that age and there could be an unfulfilled need lingering were it not for you helpful suggestions.ReplyDelete
Please tell us that there's something really wrong with you every day, not just Fridays.ReplyDelete
This post made me choke on a purloined M&M, BTW. It was that funny!
Omg, Lisa...you are hilarious. I am so glad we are friends!! =-) And, that you are willing to do this with your imaginary penis for our enjoyment.ReplyDelete
If there is something wrong with you, I'm guessing it's something most of us share. I'll admit this hadn't occurred to me, but now that you bring up the topic, it's something I'm curious about. I'll have to ask John later. Not that we have plantation shutters, but I'm sure there's something similar in our apartment.ReplyDelete
whenever my husband says something to me along the lines of "I'd ask you to reconsider," the challenge is ON! And no, there is nothing wrong with you - you weren't suggesting closing the shutters after the insertion, for crissakes.ReplyDelete
Heh heh. Oh I'm totally with you. I would definitely be sticking my penis in all sorts of funny places (said the Bishop to the actress) if I had one. And yes, most men I know think they'd love to have boobs to play with all day long but I wonder if they actually would? Stupid question, don't answer that! How big are the gaps in your shutters? You wouldn't want to get stuck now would you? Who would you call? The fire brigade??ReplyDelete
Maybe it's the same as how men say they'd play with their breasts all day if they had them, and here we are just taking them for granted.ReplyDelete
Slightly Disorganized - I know. Penis. He he he.ReplyDelete
Maxie - Thanks. :)
Maude - He embraces much inner childishness, but somehow drew the line at this one. I'll get him to do something of the sort one of these days, though...
DCup - There is something very wrong with me every day, I assure you. And as for choking on the purloined M&M - that made me laugh. And wish for M&Ms. :)
Ryane - Thank you, and anytime. :) I'm glad we're friends as well.
Sarah - Heh. Please, please let me know if you get John to do something of the sort.
LJ - Usually, I listen to him when he asks, because it's typically something that makes sense that I've not given enough thought. Although in this case...As for the closing of them, no, but now I'm thinking about it. Would be so mean.
Miranda - You make a good point. I think they're big enough, but stuck would be terrible. Who *would* you call? Haha!
Nicole - I am pretty sure it's the same, or fairly similar. Hell, if I had big boobs, I'd probably play with them a lot too.
Paula - I can only assume I would...although I can't promise.
If anyone thought that there was something wrong with you from THIS post, they obviously have not been reading your blog.ReplyDelete
Not that there's anything wrong with you, of course.
This is an absolute gem Lisa and it has aged well. :)ReplyDelete
Thank you so much, David!Delete