Tuesday, September 09, 2008

732 and a big rant

Warning: this is the opposite of oh, yay, the wedding is going to be so beautiful and life is great! In case that's what you're looking for here.

732? This is the number of things I am probably supposed to be doing. Some of these things I know I don't even know I'm overlooking.

The caterer, who is awesome, is going to send me a list of musts, and another list of suggestions. And a schedule, with his pieces filled in, and blanks where we need to take some action. This will help.

I love this man, and if he weren't gay, which I'm quite sure he is, and if I weren't marrying Nick, which I most definitely am, I'd probably want to marry him. He's really cute and dresses very well and has great taste and is just so incredibly organized. And soothing.

Yesterday we met with this caterer, and the music man (which of course makes me think, "With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool!"), who is also fantastic. And last but not least, we met with the person at the house museum. Whose main function? Seems to be to tell us that we can't do things.

I know these aren't her rules. They're the stuffy, uptight, we're a really important, uptight, historical society - and did I say uptight? - house rules.

Really, I wish they'd just provide us with a fucking list of things we are allowed to do. Because it'd be a lot fucking easier for them to compile than the extensive list of things we can't.

And the most frustrating part, the part that really would make me choose another venue if I could, is that I have to go through Nick for everything. Because he's the member. Which is a whole nother explanation.

Also, I know "whole nother" is not a written expression. Nor is it correct grammar, even spoken. You might be thinking this. But I like it. So there.

And so now for the no no no's. Or anyway, the highlights.

Red wine? No. It could stain the marble floors. Cosmos? No. Same with any other red beverage.

Pulling up to the front for people to get out? No. Even though there's a goddamn driveway? No. Not unless they're handicapped. Which our officiant is. So he's allowed to pull up. To the side entrance.

Flowers draping over the fireplace as a backdrop for our ceremony? No. Nothing on the fireplace. In fact, nothing can be set on anything. No rigging of anything.

They suggested we use the money from the fireplace flowers to have bathroom arrangements. I didn't ask if we're allowed to set anything on the bathroom sink. Nor did I ask if you're actually allowed to rest your ass on the toilet seat. Because the answer? Would probably be no.

Candles? No.

Rehearsal? Only between 4:00 and 5:00 pm on the Friday before. Which none of our people can get to. And it's just too early in terms of then heading to the rehearsal dinner, even if we start cocktails at 6:30. But the house closes at 5 pm. End of story.

And the kicker?

The room we're supposed to get ready in? You know, the one they assigned to us, when Nick called up and said we need a room? The one that ALL of my bridesmaids and I are going to spend the afternoon getting ready, hanging out, drinking champagne, taking pre-wedding pictures, and just generally getting geared up for the wedding in? That room?

Not allowed to be in until 4 pm. Why? Because it's on the goddamn fucking museum tour. The 20 people who go through this house on any given day have to be given access. Because it's on the tour.

It's so awesome that they have no remote fucking need to be accommodating. At all.

What I would really like to do, on my way out after the wedding, is this: Gather up vases of flowers, and arrange them across the fucking fireplace. And then open and drizzle an entire bottle of red wine across the marble floor. And then light candles, drip the wax on the floor to hold them, and set them in a pattern on the floor around it.

I know I should be all grateful that it's this beautiful venue, in a great location, and we are lucky to have it, and because of circumstance, it saved us a lot of money, and it makes Nick's father really happy. But I'm not, at least not today.

Fuck this historic society house museum. I hate them.


  1. UGH. Honestly, this is kind of reassuring. I was all, is it really just butterflies and kittens the whole way? Every other person who ever freaked out about their wedding is obvs just not nearly as in control as Lisa. :-) I'm so sorry you're dealing with that though... perhaps Nick could show up in the paisley suit jacket and they'd be like, No. Then you don't have to be the bad guy!



    15 ounces White Cranberry Juice Cocktail
    6 ounces Lemon Flavored Vodka
    1 & 1/2 ounce sweetened lime juice
    3 Lime twists, garnish


    Combine all ingredients, except garnish, in a cocktail shaker. Pour evenly into three martini glasses. Garnish with lime twist or a skewer of fresh (white) cranberries, if desired.

    Makes 3 servings. Two for you, one to pour over the head of the house museum. Preferably while she's standing on that marble floor.

  3. LivitLuvit - Ohh, thanks. That made me giggle. I didn't realize I was presenting it as all butterflies and kittens, but I think I've been having most of my meltdowns offline. Or it was about things it felt unfair to complain about in public. I am OK with a lot less control and a lot more ambiguity than a lot of people. But at a certain point, I lose my shit completely. And once I hate, it's really hard for me to un-hate.

    Jessica - I really, really needed this. I laughed out loud when I got to that last line. I actually like her, even though I was kind of a huge bitch yesterday when she told Betty they can't drape flowers on the fireplace. I was all, "Of course we can't. That's just awesome." What could she say? She seems to be a nice woman who simply has to tow the party line. It's the middle-aged white men in charge who I mostly hate.

  4. ha ha ha ha ha! i live in "an" historic town - imagine the crap you just described trying to be enforced on 5,000 people . . . . my advice is for you to listen politely, and then within reason, do what you want. the "enforcer" probably won't even be there on the big day . . .

  5. Can you have a smog machine? If you can't have flowers or candles, you'll need something to set the mood.

  6. LJ - Aaaagh! This, on a greater historic level, would make me batshit. And this particular enforcer will be there that day - she already said it's her day to work the event.

    FreckledK - Would be awesome! But no. Along with no DJ and no keg. Also nos.

  7. A friend got married in a historic house too, well, actually the garden, and I remember how uptight everything felt. It FELT like a museum, all "don't touch, don't do that, don't go in there." No rice, rose petals or birdseed to be thrown for the newlyweds (because then it would have to be cleaned up?) They handed out little bottles of bubbles. Is a bubble machine too Lawrence Welk?

  8. no DJ? no keg? wtf? i suppose you can only have a european chamber orchestra that you will listen to (no dancing!) while drinking Perrier-Jouet champagne out of diamond & crystal encrusted champagne glasses. have fun with that!


  9. At least they are allowing alcohol!

    However, I don't think you should feel grateful for something you are settling for. If you are truly not happy with it is it REALLY worth it?

    I'm sure it's going to turn out wonderfully and even better than you can imagine right now! Right now the wedding jitters are making things seem disastrous when later you're going to look back and say to yourself, "Wow, I can believe I was worried about THAT!"

  10. I'll bet the Macarena and the Electric Slide are also on their list of no-nos. Which I fully support, by the way.

    Oh, and my brother is getting married somewhere in a bowels of Tennessee --- and it will be a, gasp, DRY WEDDING. I so hope I'm not invited.

  11. J - Some friends and I talked about bubbles last weekend, and I think we decided against them because if they get on silk they stain. I wanted sparklers indoors, which Nick said was a Very Bad Idea, and that they heat up to 5 zillion degrees, even if somehow the house would allow it. Oh. Who knew they got so hot? I am thinking about sneaking rose petals and not telling the bastards.

    LJ - We actually have a very fun band. It will be a lot of Big Band music, and I'm psyched about it. I did want a DJ, but this is going to be good. As for the glasses - holy crap! We are starting with mojitos and moving on from there.

    Samantha - This place is gorgeous, and so convenient, and I was very excited about it before I learned what completely uptight pills they are about everything. It's going to be beautiful, and I know that I just got to a point where everything piled on everything and I just lost it. I don't think I'll ever regret the venue - I just kind of hate them right now.

    FreckledK - Egad. No! That sounds grim! We will have lots and lots of non-red alcohol.

  12. FWIW, I have proclaimed "whole nother" a real, actual term. I deem it so. use it as much as you would like.

  13. Yes, we called those people the "wedding nazis" at my wedding. (The ones who would not allow my husband's brother -- HIS MOTHER'S ONLY OTHER CHILD -- to escort the groom's mother into the ceremony . . . because he was the best man and "MUST" be at the altar with the groom.)

    On the room to get ready in -- we, too, weren't allowed in as early as we wanted to be. (Wedding at 11, pictures beforehand start at 9 . . . but can't get in til 9.) We did everything but my dress in a hotel down the street, then got dressed at the church, while the groomsmen had their pictures taken. It was actually, I think, a lot more fun doing hair and makeup in a big, gorgeous hotel bathroom than it would have been in a teeny, poorly lit room with only one mirror.

    Deep breath. It will all turn out OK. Because the things you forget to do? You're pretty much the only one who'll know that wasn't how it was supposed to be.

  14. A.S. - Thank you, Laura, for the fantastic use of the fuck word on my behalf. :) It will be a great day. I just needed to get all that out. I'm already calming down on it.

    Lemmonex - Thank you! I will!

    Mommy Writes - Ugh. I don't think anyone would do that to us. That's terrible.

    The thing is, we are staying at this place, so the room they gave us was supposed to be our room for the night. How they thought it was fine to not move into it before 4, I have no idea.

    And yes, deep breath. It will be OK. Thank you!

  15. Obviously none of the people caring for this historic house have ever been married. Who would marry a person with a pole up their ass.
    I'm sorry but you are very calm considering becuse I'm irked at these eff nuts.
    I can understand there are guidelines for them to maintain this historic site but when its this rigid then they need to stop allowing the weddings. I mean Really!

  16. oh wow. I didn't even know it was possible for marble to stain.

    I think you have the right idea. Do the wedding, behave yourself, and then break all of the rules :-)

  17. I say you occupy the room anyway, all day, and flash the museum tour-ers. No? Not allowed?

  18. heh. comments on this post are hilarious.

  19. What a sad way for that historical society to go about things. Refusing to even try and accomodate you for one day in favor of tourons, who will probably set their ginormous Big Gulps on the fireplace mantle, while dropping trash and gum on the marble floors, before overlooking the room where you need to get ready b/c they would rather go and see the TV that sits on the street in Chinatown.

    I am sorry they aren't being more accommodating. If Nick's family weren't affiliated w/this society, I would say you have the perfect opportunity to write an editorial for the Post. Instead, I say you beat them at their own game...

  20. And you are totally within your right to hate them! I would, too, and it sounds like a ridiculous set of rules. Deep breaths, Lis! It'll all work out, and maybe you can arrange for someone to smuggle in the read wine for you.


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