Wednesday, September 10, 2008

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming

I'm so glad that meltdown is over. Or rather, that MELT. DOWN.

It was useful, though. There were a couple things that I needed to be heard on, and until that point, I wasn't being listened to. Or rather, I was being listened to, but not heard.

Also, all that fuck the fucking fuckity fuck fuckers fuck! And the fucking fuckishness of the fuckfuckfuck! It all really helped. Phew!

I feel much better today. Today I hate the historic place and all they stand for a little less. Which is great, considering.

One of the things I told a friend yesterday, though, in the middle of my fuck the fucking fuck, was that I was tempted to quietly pee in an out-of-the-way corner. In lieu of creating the drama of wine pouring and candle lighting and such. And possibly being arrested on my wedding night.

Which I wouldn't put past the fuckity fucks.

But back to the possible peeing in a corner.

It is, of course, exactly the kind of thing I am not going to do. It is also the kind of gross, slightly horrifying thing I would come up with on my own.

Except that this time, I didn't.

One of my friends and colleagues has a boyfriend who grew up in Morocco. He's this very well educated, handsome guy. Very clean cut, sharply dressed, and with a super high powered job.

And when she is really upset about something? Like at her last job with her jerky boss? And she'd come home with a terrible story about something he'd done?

He would say, "Would you like me to pee on him?"

Seriously. In his culture, this is up there with the biggest of insults.

The vision is pretty excellent, I have to say. Well dressed man, standing on desk, peeing on evil boss? Or sneaking up behind, and peeing on the back of the neck? Horrible surprise.

Who among us wouldn't love to inflict that on someone in our lives?

But then this led me to ask if the person has to do the actual peeing on of the person. Because could you just bring some pee to work with you?

Would be much more convenient, you must admit.

Maybe have them pee in a Tupperware container? You know how they have those screw-top bottles with a round bit in the top that pops open? Maybe you could save a bottle of pee to be used in really terrible emergency circumstances?

Obviously, it's not as dramatic. But the person would still be peed on all the same.

You would necessarily label it "pee" - because of course you wouldn't want to confuse your pee Tupperware with your food Tupperware. This is what I do with my dye containers.

I mean, in case you're thinking of trying this at home.

Soooo, yah. Anyway, hi! It's Wednesday!


  1. I think, in fact, that leaving it in the container for a week or so would make it worse and therefore more insulting. I mean, think of the smell! And then there's the aspect of the person not knowing whose pee it was- even grosser.

    Also? glad you're feeling better and less freak-the-fuck-out-ey.

  2. I do agree that the smell would be significantly worse. Plus the aspect of mystery pee is definitely even grosser.

    And thank you. Very much less freak-the-fuck-outey.

  3. LMAO! This was just what I needed to make my day go better!

  4. I love how this is NOT regularly scheduled programming but it so IS.

    Our pup Boston pees all over the neighborhood, a major part of walking the dog is waiting patiently as he marks territory. Every lampost, bush, curb - lift leg and pee. Once Boston peed on the tire of a car parked in the street and I was mortified.

    For humans, having to pull down the pants - it isn't very practical which you've brilliantly suggested be replaced by tupperware.

  5. I think a tupperware squeeze bottle is the perfect urine delivery device! And OF COURSE peeing on someone is an insult. Unless you're Shirley Manson and into golden showers, in which case, I guess it's a turn-on. :@

  6. Well, I think it's probably fine, so long as it's not too difficult to obtain the, um, weapon in the first place. :o)

  7. greatballsoffire - Always glad to help!

    HKW - Hahaha - yah, it isn't and it is. For animals, it's totally marking territory, for sure. Gloria used to pee on car tires, and I figure, whatever. They drive through much worse than dog pee. But for us, no, not remotely practical.

    J - Well, yah. You do make a very good point. Of course it's an insult, unless it's your thing.

    Jessica - Oh, I love you. It wouldn't be my pee, though, I don't think. Although we are considering starting a "pee on them for you" business.

  8. I love the idea of peeing into a little bottle -- like a hotel shampoo bottle or something -- and then squirting it in the corner at the end of the night. Totally perverse, but oh so satisfying.

  9. See I would go with one of those travel sized spray bottles, then you can just mist their surroundings with the pee. This would avoid the telltale puddle indicating WHERE the smell is coming from, as well as where to clean.

    Just imagine, you walk into you space (office, room, whatever) and everything smells vaguely of pee. You walk around sniffing trying to figure out where the smell is coming from (bonus points if you get others to help you sniff) to the great amusement of anyone within the vicinity.

    Eventually, you just have to give up out of frustration and clean EVERYTHING.

    It would also be pee-conomic if you were to be maligned by more than one person at a time.

    And yes, I know I'm borderline evil LOL

  10. all my friends who have babies have had jugs of pee in their fridges at one time or another. i guess collection your pee (or you man's) wouldn't be too much different... except theirs is for medical purposes, but whatever. as far as i'm concerned bitterness is a medical issue too : )

  11. Hahahaha ohhhh. So very funny. :)

  12. Thanks for this- I think I just peed my pants a little. (Should have filled up my pee bottle earlier.)

  13. Lol Kenya, that is an awesome idea! Love it!

    Imagine them sniffing around a few days later trying to find out WHERE the smell is coming from, but I think that you should do it in a place in which it would not be obvious it was you(to save yourself a surprise cleaning bill later on).

  14. Ovbiously it would have to be somewhere semi public, unless there are roommates. The added benefit is that if someone were to incur my wrath to the point of misting pee, they probably would be the type of perwon who would have pissed off (no pun intended) other people as well, so the suspects would be multiple.

    Subtelty is the key

  15. Wendy - The idea of carrying a shampoo bottle filled with pee in my little purse that night makes me laugh so hard.

    Kenya - I got back from a meeting and read this and started laughing so hard I was crying. Staggering around the quad crying, this idea is so funny.

    notsojenny - Wow, I haven't encountered that. If I do, it's now going to make me laugh.

    A.S. - I love the turn this has taken in the comments.

    LivitLuvit - My pleasure. And that will teach you not to have your pee bottle handy.

    greatballsoffire - I KNOW! Can you imagine people sniffing around, wondering? It's so hilariosly, evilly terrible.

  16. Oh, and if you hear about some crazy Canadian chick who got arrested for misting her co-worker's office with pee, it's not me I swear LOL

  17. I am just dying in my chair here!!!

    Am gonna link this

  18. Kenya's idea is much more subtle than mine. I say screw the Tupperware, and break out the SuperSoaker. Much more satisfying, to say nothing of the resulting facial expressions....

  19. Well, I'm dumping my "sounds like he/she needs a good karate chop" for "I think I'll just pee on him/her."

    The karate chop thing was getting pretty old anyway.

    Um hi!

  20. The awesomeness of that? May not be topped for a long time!


Tell me about it.