Monday, May 23, 2011

Drop the leash, drop the leash...

Yah, so, I'm pretty sure nobody really wants to be the person with their kid on a leash.

I don't know how you feel about them, but me, I was always horrified when I'd see a child on a leash. "A leash?" I'd think. "It's not a dog; it's your child."

Uh-huh. It's your child, and he takes off like a firecracker and can you imagine losing your child? Or having him sprint into the street, into oncoming traffic? Flailing his arms and giggling maniacally?

What if he ditches you at the airport on your upcoming trip? He hates to hold hands when he's obligated to, and man, the kid is FAST.

A friend of mine said she lost her son at Dulles once. The airport police located him within 5 minutes. But 5 minutes? God knows who could snatch your kid and take off in those minutes.

I felt that drastic measures where called for. I ordered the leash.

Jordan loves Winnie the Pooh, but doesn't have one, so I ordered a Pooh bear (or Pohbuh, as he is known in our house) harness.

It's kind of adorable, really. If I were a Furry, I think I'd be a Pooh Bear one.

Although is that extra creepy? And have I told you about my friend whose dear friend dated the guy who was into the sex dressed as a furry, and was leading her in that direction, starting with threesomes?

She met him on the Internet.

She broke up with him before the furry sex business, though. Which, on the one hand, I can't blame her. But on the other, oh, the second-hand stories!


I pulled it out of the package and Jordan said, "OH! What's that? Pohbuh!"

So he carried Pohbuh around, and closed the little harness straps - so fascinating! just like on his stroller! openit! - and generally acted like they were fast pals.

He still does, in fact. I think it's a "love the sinner, hate the sin" situation. He and Pohbuh are friends, but keep that fucking tail thing far away.

So Nick took him out for the leash debut.

He said, "Look! Pooh Bear can ride on your back!" And he snapped him in. Jordan was all cool with it. Nick connected the leash part to the little loop without Jordan even noticing.

He was all smug. "This is how it's done, Lisa."

They walked up to the store, which is about a block and a half away. It was all going very smoothly, and Jordan was enjoying his freedom, toddling along. As they got to the big road, Jordan turned, saw that Dad was holding a long tail in one hand.

He was all, "Whaaat? The? Fuck?" (Incidentally, he didn't actually say that. He just looked it.)

And then, upon further inspection, he realized it was connected to him. EN. Raged.


Calamity! Much fit-having was had. Drama trauma and so forth.

How it's done Lisa my ass.

Anyway, now, on Thursday, we will be taking our airport trip. The first plane trip with the boy since he was two months old and an easy little eating sleeping lump on the plane.

We're heading up to Martha's Vineyard. I'm kind of nervous, and not just about the little plane from Boston to the Vineyard. Which, apparently, is small enough that you feel all the turbulence. I was told this by a friend assuring me that it was too low for Jordan's ears to pop.

I know it's not that long a trip, but you know, hours can be short, and hours can be long, depending on how they are spent.

And I anticipate many of them being spent trying to not lose the kid in the airports, trying to entertain the kid on the plane and keep people from hating us, trying to keep the kid from losing his shit because his naptime will be spent at Logan.

You know, I was about to say that maybe I should just rent a Pooh Bear costume and keep us all entertained, but when I think things like that I start to wonder if something really is wrong with me.

And I probably shouldn't say them out loud. But wouldn't it be worse to hold them in? Then they'd feel like secrets.

And who wants to have a Pooh Bear costume secret? Weird.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you could wish us luck all around, it would be much appreciated.


  1. I live in the super conservative, Bible Belt south, so you can imagine how surprised I was to learn there is a furry convention in my very own town. I have a friend that works in the spa at the hotel where most people stay and they actually had a meeting on furry etiquette. Like how to expect people to act when in costume (are they costumes? fur suits?) and how to address them.

    Good luck with the trip, and Pooh Bear. I'd leash my kid, but I think she'd react just like Jordan, and if the fit she just pitched over nap time is any indication, things would get ugly.

  2. I feel your pain. We will be flying on Friday except I won't have the leash. Pretty nervous about the ride on the lap part of it. I'll send you lots of luck and add in a few prayers. Hope you will return the favor!
    PS I bought these ear plane things to stick in MRA's ears that are supposed to help with the popping but I am fairly sure he will not tolerate them for more than a few minutes in his ear. Ohh, the joys. :)

  3. Good luck all around Lisa. Have a great trip!

    I am a little disappointed there wasn't a Pooh Bear honeymoon period with Jordan. I imagine you and Nick, are, too.

  4. I, too, use a leash. Sometimes strollers just aren't practical or tolerated. Our leash harness is a cute fuzzy monkey. We get a lot of comments about the little one having a monkey on her back. It gets old.

    Anyway, good luck an have fun!

  5. I give harnesses for shower gifts, so new parents have a chance to get used to the idea and baby takes it is stride. If you love your active toddler, use a harness!

  6. OK on flying occasions it should be legal to give your kid NyQuil. Just kidding. No I'm not. I'm sending you good luck wishes.

  7. So my nephew had a monkey harness and he hated it. So basically it turned into a threat that my sister would carry either hold hands or you wear the monkey. That way it was his choice -most often he chose hold hands...but it was not optional. He had to choose one or the other. Good luck.

  8. That Pooh is too cute. But it looks like he has just quite smuggly pulled out his lower intestines.

  9. I once saw a roaming kid on a leash in the airport. I watched the 3 year old climb on all the chairs and run around, and then I smiled at the parents and said, "I can see why he needs the leash! Good luck with your flight!" And at that moment I stopped judging parents who put their kids on leashes.

    Who knows what else I'll stop judging now that I have a five month old. I'm sure that list will be quite long.

  10. Good luck! But I'll bet it goes just fine. Have a great time! :)

  11. Lisa - That is fascinating! I thought all the conventions would be in Las Vegas. Huh.

    Yah, we'll see how this goes. I'm just too nervous about losing him not to use it in the airport. Maybe he'll be totally distracted by the adventure. And the planes!

    AngelJAM - I'm sad we're out of town when you're in it! I totally wish you well on your travels. Jordan sucks his thumb, and I hope that works for ear popping. Good luck to you!

    HK - He absolutely loves Pooh. Just not the tail.

    Jenn - I hadn't thought of the monkey on the back comment or I might've bought one. It's the kind of thing Nick would LOVE to say to people about our child.

    Anonymous - I'm not sure if you're being serious, but that's hilarious.

    Lynn - I have always been a big proponent of doping kids up for flying...except now it's my kid. Funny how that is, huh? Maybe when he's older and the pediatrician has okayed Benadryl. :)

    Megan - That doesn't seem too bad to me. Because we don't have an "or else" kind of thing with the hand-holding.

    Jenelle - Oh, that made me laugh. Maybe he has.

    Jaclyn - Oh, I used to be judgey! It's so easy to be judgey when you're not in it, isn't it? And then you're living through it and you realize you'll do whatever you need to do to deal.

    Laura - Thank you! I hope so! And it's going to be great!

  12. My sister sends her kids to the grandparents in Brazil every summer. School is out, a few days later the kids are off to Brazil. Then in early August she and her husband go down there, spend a month with them, and all come back together.

    Back in the day, you could send them by themselves, and the airlines would take care of watching over them, since they were minors. Then the rules changed and they HAD to go with an adult. So they started asking friends that were traveling around the same time to take them (the grandparents would meet them on the other end at the airport).

    The last time she did that, her friend had them all in the plane, strapped up, and the kids were loving it! Yay, plane ride! So cool!

    2 hours into the 9.5 hour flight, the oldest one (he was about 5 or so at the time?), unbuckled his seatbelt and said: "This was fun! We can go home now." She tried to explain the deal, and he kept repeating "no, no, it was fun! But I'm tired. Let's go home now."

    Now my sister goes to Brazil in May, spends a month with them, comes back, and my brother in law goes by himself in August spends the month with them and brings them back...

  13. He'll make it. Somehow you'll make it. *hugs*

    Also, I loved this line:
    Calamity! Much fit-having was had. Drama trauma and so forth.

  14. Ah the leash, I love it, but you gotta start them young. I put it on my kids the minute they started walking so they just associated the object with the act!
    Putting one on for the first time on an independent toddler... as I read I couldn't believe Nick had done it... was just waiting for his downfall!
    Using it as a threat though sounds genius, I vote for that!
    Oh, and, if it helps, when mine aren't leashed and I can't holding hands cause I need to do something (like at check-in) I designate a spot on my leg (or butt, cause apparently it's way funnier) and they have to put their hand on it, kind of like a game, they win if they keep their hand on my leg. So I know they're there.... Hope it helps! Oh, and have fun!!

  15. Oh, good luck! I am about to embark on a 10-hour plane ride with my toddler and I'm already stocking up on the Valium. For the poor bear that is...

  16. Good luck! Just stay focused on what's on the other side of the plane trip -- a sweet vacation.

  17. it's funny - the only people i know who've resorted to the leash all have boys. i have a feeling one might be in our future...

  18. My mom had a harness and leash for my little brother. It was dark brown leather and looks a lot like the harness / leash combo I currently use for my dogs. Kids today have it easy is what I'm saying.
    Wishing you much luck and silence, lady!!


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