Friday, October 05, 2007

Close your eyes and think of England

I got a comment earlier this week that said something like, "Maybe if you put out more you wouldn't be so bitter."

Hmm. Do I really seem bitter? I'm definitely bitter sometimes, but not daily or even weekly.

I do firmly believe that if everyone had good sex regularly the world would be a much more peaceful place. There would be less bitterness, less strife. Seriously.

Maybe I'll screen print a t-shirt that says "regular sex for world peace" or something of the sort. But then that might lead to "aberrant sex for world peace" or who knows where.

On a side bar: A friend of mine correlates her luck finding street parking with what's going on in her personal life. When she's having regular sex, she never finds parking. So when she's having a streak of rock-star parking, she knows she's screwed in the sex department. Or, actually, not.

But back to the putting out and bitterness business. Because what does "putting out" imply?

When I think of the expression "putting out," fun is not what comes to mind. Like, if he'd suggested that I need to get laid regularly, that would be a whole different story. I'd say well, sure, who doesn't?

So I was thinking, I suppose this commenter thinks I should've put out for the crazypants (my favorite new term) journalist. Because that would that have made the whole aggravating date worth it and made me so much less bitter about being called repeatedly and angrily in the next couple days.

So, in the fictional "putting out" version of the evening, I've had a dreadful time on the defensive at dinner, and he's pushy and I know I don't want to kiss him, even though he's trying to get me to. What I want, most of all, is to take back the hand that he is firmly clasping, get the goodbye over with and go home.

But then suddenly it hits me! Ooh! Ooh! I know! Oh my god! I know exactly what will make this evening suddenly fun! I'll put out!

And in my imaginary putting out version? It's just like being a missionary wife on one of those British ships bound for America in the 1800s.

You know - you're a little seasick and uncomfortable. You're tired of the same old food, tired of the ocean for miles on end in every direction, tired of having the same old conversations.

And come to think of it, you're pretty sick and tired of your missionary husband. But you're stuck with him, because you know, you're living in an age where women are chattel and all you can do is get married and stick it out.

And so, when night falls, and you say your missionary prayers and get in bed...and it's time for you to put out, you go ahead and do what all good missionary wives are told to do for God, Queen and country.

You reluctantly pull up your Victorian nightgown, close your eyes, and think of England.

Put out more, my ass.


  1. If you had "put out" with Mr. Crazypants Journalist, guess who would have left a comment, criticizing you for your whoredom?

    They want you to put out, but only so they can chastise you for putting out.

  2. Missionary wife, in the missionary position, "putting out." I'd be making my grocery list in my head during that one.

    BTW, I wish you much hot sex, no parking spots, and NO "putting out!" ;)

  3. FK - I am sure you are right.

    Almost - I'd be making grocery lists as well. Thanks for the great wishes! :)

  4. Yes because sleeping with someone you find atrocious is always a good idea.

    I, of course, applied that logic to the last 3 months of my last relationship.

    Hmmm....I see now, annoying commenter...angry sex is the best kind!

  5. I can't say more sex gets me good things like parking spaces, although I do find that I tend to eat less when I'm having regular sex. So I guess that means if you are not having regular sex but take matters into "your own hands" (hey, you do what you have to do), you may not find a parking space but at least you'll cut down on food bills. This is all so confusing!

  6. SL - Yeah, end of relationship I so don't want to be doing this - always a good time.

    Riley - I like the regular sex as weight loss strategy!

    HIN - Ha ha. And aaaggghhh!!!!

  7. Hahahahahahaha! That's excellent.

  8. "You reluctantly pull up your Victorian nightgown, close your eyes, and think of England."

    Dude, did you write that? That's AWESOME. What a fucking line. Knowing me, though, it's probably a famous quote from literature and I'm just too uncultured to notice.

    Telling you that the answer to one's social follies is to put out more is pure fucktardary.

    (Sorry for being a potty mouth tonight. I'm kind of in a bad mood, and I'm watching Die Hard II with my kid. GO, MCCLANE, GO!)

  9. Rich - I didn't make up the "close your eyes and think of England" although I don't know where it came from.

    And fucktardery? What a fantastic word! Thanks!

  10. Wow. You make having obligatory sex sound so dirty. Especially the last two lines. Now I'm all turned on. I gotta go get Slim to just lie there and think of England.

    Be back in two minutes.

  11. Hahahaha! Thanks for the laugh.

  12. Yeah putting out for a slob you can't stand isn't the right way to go.

    Finding a friend with bennies is usually a good thing, or the common appliance technology can be used as well.

    Try not to get so caught up in first dates becoming searches for the one, and maybe cut back on so many dates in such a short period of time, allow for some "me" time.

    Maybe vacation some more or visit the midwest as its a little more easygoing for the most part.

    Otherwise love your site!

  13. Kerry - Thanks for giving me your thoughts. I do have trouble putting guys off in terms of dates. If I have a free night, I accept, instead of blocking the night off for "me" time. I haven't had a date-free week in ages, and I think you are right - it would be really good for me. And your visit the midwest suggestion made me giggle, although I do know exactly what you mean.

  14. Well, thank the eight-pound, squishy baby Jesus I don't have asshat commenters like you, dear. Gah. What a tool.

    You're still my favorite, though! Perhaps by the time I've returned from this deployment (yeah, I'm gone again) you'll have had trouble finding parking? Here's to hoping.

    In any case, I can't wait to see you again. Keep the butter warm.


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