Friday, October 19, 2007

I want to be the girl with the most cake

I know it's hormonal, and it will pass. Probably next week I'll feel like myself again. But what I would like to be able to do, right now, today, is reduce my body to parts, and set some aside.

See, normally my breasts are small and friendly and really not much of a bother to anyone. They don't move a whole lot; they don't do anything crazy. I can mash them in a sports bra and go for a run and it's no problem. I stick them in a normal bra and walk to work and it's all fine.

Most importantly: they are never in my way and I don't have to think about them. I can wear low shirts without worrying about being provocative. I can wear tops with a really low back without hesitation or complication. I wear things tight and don't ever fret that tops are too tight.

Except this week. This week the two of them are totally contentious. And they're everywhere I go.

A couple days ago I was walking to work and they grumped, "Grr. We hate this bra. Hate. It. You need to put on a different one. Right. Now!"

"There's nothing to be done about it. We're halfway to work."

"Owie owie ow! Look at us! We don't like this! No! We're disgruntled and we're going to remind you of it every time you move! Ow! We hate you!"

So I said, "C'mon, be reasonable. You're being really annoying."

To which they responded, "Huh, well, you ate too much sugar this month. And caffeine? Not so helpful either. So anyway, that shirt you're wearing? Ha ha ha! We might just leap out of it later if we feel like it! We're crazy and unpredictable! Suck it up, buttercup! There's nothing you can do about us but wait!"

And I thought, oh, you fuckers, you are so pissing me off. And I'm a hater this week anyway.

So once I got to work I stuck them in a sports bra for the day. Thank goodness Jenny didn't need to borrow it.

I'd like to take them both off, set them on the dresser, and then pick them up and put them back on sometime next week. We'd be happier all around. Or anyway, I would. They're probably enjoying the attention.


  1. As your anonymous psychologist, I think it is important for you to reveal your feelings by posting more blogs regarding your rebellious rack. Keep'em coming....and I' any way that I can.

  2. Now I've got that song stuck in my head, but I actually like Hole, so that's not entirely a bad thing.

    I'd like to experience small boobiness for just one day. Just one day when I can do as you described and wear low shirts without worrying about being provocative. Sigh.

  3. Anon - Hey, thanks. Or, in Parseltongue, ssssss sss sssss.

    DCB - Glad you like Hole - otherwise would suck to have that song stuck. I have to say, at some point I was like, ok, they're not going to grow anymore, and I'm not going to have surgery, so I'm just going to run with all the good things about having small ones.

    KM - Hahahahahahahaha!

  4. You talking about boobies = hawt!

    Why don't you try a bra made by Hanesbrands (which includes Playtex, Wonderbra, Barely There, and Just My Size). Hanesbrands is the largest holding in the Ninja Stock Portfolio (I reduced my holding in Smith & Wesson) and I encourage everyone to buy their fine products which provide excellent comfort at a reasonable price. Also, if everyone buy Hanesbrands products, I'll be rich! Also...BOOBIES!

  5. You know, I've often wished I could do the same thing with my mouth. It's always running off on its own and getting me into trouble.

    I'm guessing that your problem is a far more attractive one to have, objectively speaking :o)

  6. yeah, I agree. My breasts, while probably larger than yours on a normal day, still rule my life one week a month. they get fat and just want to eat chocolate and generally complain about anything I dress them in. kind of like has been celebrities.

  7. This is the greatest conversation anyone's ever had with her boobs. You should make this a weekly feature.

  8. I had a conversation with my boobs like that recently. When they grew an entire cup size for no reason - for 8 days! WTF?! I wouldn't have minded that much, had they not felt like they were on fire all the time.

    Thank you for making me feel just a little more normal for trying to reason with my hooters.

  9. My breast finally got their way and found themselves in a nice, new, comfy Hanes bra. Sure I spoil them, but they're worth it.

  10. HIN - Yah, I know. PMS is incredibly hawt.

    Dagny - It would actually be a really good idea for me to leave my mouth at home sometimes! What a smart idea!

    SD - Hahahahaha! Has been celebrities! Thanks for the laugh.

    SE - Thanks! I don't think I was talking out loud, but god knows...

    Arjewtino - Normally I ignore them entirely, so I just don't think I'll have enough for a weekly feature. Maybe monthly, but it's a repetitive conversation.

    Rich - Yeah.

    Almost - Holy cow - a whole cup size? That on fire feeling is terrible.

    Amisare - Absolutely, should be spoiled!

  11. Oh, if I could stop laughing, I'd welcome you to my world.

    It's truly over-rated. And my tits don't talk either.

    I'm feeling cheated, but at least you made me laugh. Hard.

  12. I love that song. My iTunes will be purchasing it today.

    My right breast is far more rebellious than my left. And, as with most problem children, it often receives the most attention.

    Poor little Lefty gets slighted and ignored far too often. I'm going to make an effort from now on, though.


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