Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Clearly I’m a lot racier in my mind

It's not that I’m saying I want my husband to imagine me in lesbian relationships. Or threesomes. Or anything of the sort. So you know.

Now, Nick likes to get this roasted garlic in oil. And then eat it by the pound, practically.

Which would be all fine and good, except that it’s a smell that persists long past the brushing of the teeth. Plus, it’s a smell that comes out in many, many ways.

I don’t know if you’re a big garlic eater, or you live with one, but if you do, I imagine you know precisely what I’m talking about. And personally, I think all the oil makes it much worse.

The nights that he eats it, he always offers me some, so we will be in the same boat. And I’ll have a piece or two. Not 54.

End result of the 54 cloves? It is hard to choose which end you would rather have face away from you in bed. It’s vile.

So he went on a garlicstravaganza the other night. And we got in bed. And we were kissing and chatting.

And then he exhaled massively.

Large, warm wafts of pungent garlic breath leapt towards me. It was so strong that I could think of was large gobs of garlic oil washing over me.

And I was all, “Goddammit Nick!"

He knows I hate this. The big garlic nights are always foul.

“Sorry, love.”

“Men are so disgusting! I knew I should’ve been a lesbian!”

(Yes, massive hypocrisy abounds.)

He paused for a long moment. During which time, in my mind, he was of course envisioning me in some steamy lesbian entanglement.


And then said, “Which reminds me. When you go through the tolls on 95, make sure to hold my EZ-Pass up against the windshield.”

“I. . .This reminds you? How?”

“Well, I was thinking about you doing stuff with other women. . .”

“And. . ?”

“And what I imagine you doing with other women this weekend is sitting in traffic at the tolls. When you don’t need to.”


  1. You know how I know I'd make a rotten lesbian?

    When you said "entanglement", I totally pictured women having difficulting unentwining themselves from one another. More like really complicated Twister than anything prurient.

    Also, I have a really, really strong aversion to the smell of red onions. I understand your pain.

  2. Which is completely hot, in its own way.

  3. You know how I know you're gay? Cause you sit in traffic at the tolls... when you don’t need to.

  4. Frecks bet me to the punch! He really might actually love you more...

  5. Dagny - I understand, I do. I don't have a precise image of what I might be up to, but I assumed Nick would...

    And raw onion breath makes me want to stab myself. And the onion eater.

    Susan - Well, now that you mention it.

    Anonymous - I am totally going to hold the hand of whoever my passenger happens to be the next time I'm at a toll.

    FreckledK - And truth be told, I am often more disgusting myself, lately. And yes, I should! I googled it for a friend recently.

    Lemmonex - I will try it and see. But maybe for weekend lunch so there's time for it to wear off pre-sleep...

  6. I love garlic. When I want to eat copious amounts of it (my guacamole has been renamed garlamole because there is That Much garlic in it) I force Shawn to join me. That way I'm not the most disgusting person in the room.

    Also, Anonymous' comment is equal parts offensive and totally awesome. Just sayin'.

  7. Hillary - I love garlic, too, but not in the quantities Nick does. And there's something particular about this garlic in oil that just leaves a lot of residual smell.

    And yah. Not entirely clear how to take it. So I took it as totally sarcastic humor. And I often wish aloud that I were gay. But it would be really inconvenient if that upped my likelihood of sitting at more tolls.

  8. OK. If that's what he thinks of, you two are definitely made for each other.

    Also, garlic may be coming out of his pores as well, making the smell even worse. I would make him save his garlicpaloozas for when you are out of town. Or it would be totally understood that he'd be sleeping elsewhere after his garlic orgy!!

  9. It's moments like this I'm glad B and I are both addicted to garlic. But I know exactly what you mean- we always try and make sure that we both get a dose, if anyone does. It's like morning breath- okay if you both have it, NOT if only one does.

  10. I think Hubby and I may have had that EXACT conversation!!!

  11. This is why I'm only allowed to eat smoked oysters when NSA is going to be out of the house for a few hours. He can't even stand the smell of the can in the trash. At least he doesn't have to visualize me in steamy lesbian entanglements. ;) (nudge, nudge)

  12. I love the way his train of thought jumped the tracks!

    Oily garlic toots? Your pregnancy is going really well if that doesn't send you to pray at the porcelain alter.


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