Monday, March 09, 2009

The moment of stark realization

When you hit a new and completely unforeseen low - as I did last week - there are always points leading up to it.

It shouldn't really take you by surprise. But it's not till the moment passes, and you examine it in retrospect, that you realize that of course you were heading in that direction.

You might think the new low would be the moment you grunted when you bent down to put on your pantyhose.

Or the immediately subsequent suspicion - the kind that raises the hair on the back of your neck - that you now grunt every time you bend over. In the privacy of your home, at work, the gym - wherever.

Do you do this, you wonder? You decide likelihood is high.

It could also be the point at which you recognize that all the way along, in pulling up aforementioned pantyhose, you continue to emit mini-grunts.

Further, it could reasonably be when you become conscious of the fact that, having briefly stopped pulling mid-thigh, the now gathered and twice-mentioned hose are strangulating your leg.

Even though you only bought the damn things - a size big, at that - three weeks ago.

You'd think that any of those would be reasonable points at which to be all, "Oh hell, new low."

And they would.

But the new low does not fully wash over you until mid-morning.

And it does so in the way that, when you are wading in the ocean, knee-deep, a large wave might suddenly overtake you, strong, fresh, and shocking. Although it shouldn't be all that surprising, being that you're in the ocean and all.

The moment of realization hits you while sitting at your desk, in your cube.

It is the instant you think to yourself, "Man, it's so hard to fart in such tight pantyhose."


  1. And I'm sure your coworkers are so very thankful of that =)

  2. Hahaha - I'm not saying it was impossible - just difficult.:)

  3. I thought pregnancy gave one a dispensation from panty hose? Why on earth are you wearing panty hose?

    Just take them off. It's still warm out, you'll be fine!

  4. Now THAT is a confession!

  5. As long as you can still succeed! Imagine the torture if you couldn't...

  6. is it wrong that I got a mental image of your pantyhose filling up like a balloon?
    I think that pantyhose should be outlawed. Especially for pregnant women, who clearly suffer enough.

  7. Dagny - This was last week. I just needed them for the expanse between my dress and boots. Today, today I am completely unfettered and warm nad delighted.

    HKW - It certainly is.:)

    LiLu - No kidding!

    Hillary - It is probably sort of an apt image.

    And I do kind of hate them, particularly now, but sometimes they're just the only attractive option.

  8. Do they make maternity pantyhose? They must.

  9. Ewww! But thanks for the Monday morning giggle, I needed that.

  10. Freckled- Yes, they do make maternity hose, and they are glorious! As long as you don't mind tucking the top into your bra band to keep them up.

  11. Pantyhose? Pantyhose?

    I'm trying to remember....

  12. You are a badass woman. I haven't worn pantyhose since the early '90s, nevermind as a pregnant woman. Rock on.

  13. FreckledK - They do. I have some tights, but they're black, and I needed nude, which I didn't have. My problem mostly was the brown palette of the day. I have no brown tights. And it was COLD!

    J - Ha. Most welcome!

    Luna - Yah. I am not so much with these panels that come so far up!!!

    Lisa - I know, I know.

    Kate - Oh, thank you! Sometimes I absolutely loooove very sheer black hose. And oh so rarely, for day sheer nude ones are so good for boots.

  14. On the bright side, you still got your health, yah?

  15. Absolutely. And I can't tell you how hard I laughed when I realized that I was thinking about my fart constraints. I mean, really.

  16. oh my lord, you have terrified me with the grunts and mini grunts. I just found out yesterday that I'm expecting.

    glad to hear it isn't totally impossible though!

  17. Do you think husbands could wear tight pantyhose?

    And hey, Jenn, congratulations!

  18. Jenn - Congratulations! That's wonderful news! And there's always the huge likelihood that you'll be much more graceful about this than I.

    Susan - What a truly excellent idea!


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