Thursday, November 19, 2009

Recent additions to the fear list

I wish that in high school they'd made it clear that they were teaching you shit you might like to know later in life.

Like, I wish they'd presented the information as useful instead of just Stuff You Needed to Know for the Exam. In biology class, for example, I just wasn't that interested in genus and species and dominant genes and fruit flies and such.

I blame Mr. Robbins - although he was hot hot hot - for me announcing, over dinner last night, "And I was surprised to learn that sharks are mammals."

See, I was explaning these shark octuplets in New Zealand. This one shark bit another on the stomach and four little babies swam out. Doesn't live birth a mammal make?

No. Turns out they're fish.

We were having dinner with our friends the investigator and his fiancee - who turns out to be full of the kind of information I love. She and I have been emailing links back and forth this morning.

But back on topic: So then I had to confirm that dolphins are mammals. And what makes a mammal?

Live birth. Nursing. Among other things. Which then led us to wonder how they nurse. And! And where are their nipples? Who knew dolphins had nipples?

Apparently they nurse sideways on top of the water. Impressive.

But you know what's not so great?

Dolphins are gang rapists. And murders. Yes. Seriously. There was a National Geographic show on the evils dolphins perpetrate.

Which led our dining companions to bring up the raccoons in their neighborhood, which is close to Rock Creek. Which has the highest density raccoon population in the US, apparently.

And it turns out that rabies is not the only thing you need to worry about with them. Although of course it's definitely a concern.

Raccoons are big, and mean, and, according to the article our dining companion sent us, "known to rape small pets and get drunk on fermented fruit juice. To top it off, they have maybe the best nonprimate hands in the animal kingdom, five delicate fingers with which they can turn a doorknob, unlatch a gate, or remove a shoelace from a shoe."

I could see Nick cringing last night as she was talking about raccoons and rabies. He knew it was going to get me all paranoid all over again.

Which, yes! For good reason!

I mean, after last night I certainly think less of dolphins.

But raccoons! They're now up there on my evil list with Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Bin Laden...

Those bastards will pick your locks and sneak in, drink your wine, rape your dog, saunter up your stairs, give your kid brain parasites, and leave you with rabies.

The raccoons, I mean. I don't know about the rest of them.

I think this merits a little paranoia, don't you?


  1. Raccoons are scary. AND messy. The number of times I woke up to see my parents cleaning trash up off the lawn because they took the cans out to the curb the night before...

    But scariest of all are the badgers. *shudder*. What they lack in dexterity, I think they make up for in cranky disposition...

  2. I saw Dick Cheney doing all of that in Adams Morgan Saturday. I swear.

  3. We have all kinds of racoons in San Francisco. They are fierce and angry. They guard the trash cans and will personally see to it that you are not only aware of their presence but that you keep putting good food in the garbage.

    They are fierce I tell you.

  4. There should totally be an animal version of Law & Order SVU. I can picture a sexy Detective Stabler (yummy!) interviewing a poor house cat who got locked out of her home and ended up raped by a gang of surly raccoons.

  5. Oh but raccoons are SO cute!

    (and you made me laugh out loud!)

  6. Dagny - Yikes - I know nothing about badgers! Now I'll have to look into them.

    lacochran - That made me burst out laughing.

    The Daughter - Who knew they were that fierce? I bet the San Francisco raccoons are wine snobs, as well?

    Hillary - Oh, that's funny! Yes, there should definitely be. Urban household pet crime - would be huge.

    Beach Bum - I can't see them in the same light anymore! And thank you. :)

  7. But can racoons TIE a shoe?

    Chandra Levy and racoons; reason enough for me to avoid Rock Creek Park.

  8. I'm pretty sure that they can not only tie a shoe, but bind and gag you very deftly.

    And I'm with you on reasons.

  9. Yay New Zealand got a mention in LG's Blog. Do you know how excited we get down here in New Zealand when we make international news. Even if it is for shark c-sections :). Kelly Tarltons is a great place. You should google it and have a look.
    Hi From New Zealand. Now I must stop procrastinating and get back to studying. I have an exam this afternoon. :(

  10. Go-Betty - New Zealand is somewhere I really want to go. It looks so beautiful! And every New Zealander I've ever met has been great.

    Now stop procrastinating! Good luck on the exam.

  11. Sharks give birth. They aren't mammals. Platypus lay eggs. They ARE mammals. Weird.

    I wish raccoons weren't so damn NASTY because they are so damn CUTE! I had one that liked to sleep in the tree outside my living room window and it would hiss at my cats when they would stare at it. Oh, the trauma.

  12. And racoons are the size of VW Bugs. Not the new Beetles, just the old bugs. Although in Rock Creek I hear they're the size of Vanagons.

  13. And you wonder why there isn't a larger population of coon hunters in Rock Creek park. I mean, I did rescue a Walker COONHOUND from West VA. Though, my little one was dumped because he wouldn't hunt.

  14. Oh no! Where's my dog?!? And my wine?!? Fuck.

    Dolphins can become a little amorous when dealing with humans, and are very likely to drown one with their fevered humping. But, oh! So cute!

  15. Oh! And we have a raccoon who hangs out by our dumpster. Last time George and I took out the trash, it was on top of one of the trash cans, and pretty much had curled itself up and was playing dead. Seemed more afraid of us but, still, I thought we were totally gonna get the Rabies. I could feel all those the shots in my tummy. Very unsettling.

  16. I shot one, with a pistol, in my house. Who then refused to die. In a panic, I called the male neighbors, who arrived en masse, chased the little fucker all over the place, ran out of ammunition, then said. 'Fuck this- we need a bigger gun' and went to get one.

    I don't have that house any more, but the last time I was there, you could put a cork through the holes they left in the floor. Then it finally died. They are not the sweet little creatures that Disney purports them to be....


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