Thursday, November 12, 2009

What makes your Target visit complete?

I don't know about you, but every time I go to Target, no matter what I've gone there for, I also wind up buying two things: something completely random and unnecessary, and something snacky in enticing packaging.

It's like my trip is not complete if I don't purchase and immediately use or consume something shiny and something fattening.

Or rather, this is how it used to be. I fear I now have a new standard.

Now, it's not a trip to Target if there's no poo and public display of mammaries.

Betty and I checked out the Target on 14th Street. With the exception of the bathrooms, it is large and very nice. They have this cool ramp between escalators that will take your cart up for you as you ascend the escalator.

As a child, I'd definitely have climbed in for the ride. Hell, I was tempted. But it seemed very imprudent with an infant.

So we were browsing, and Betty was pushing Big J and chatting with him and then suddenly she said, "Ohhh we need a bathroom. This is a big one."

And so we headed to what turned out to be a fairly small, gross women's bathroom. With a dirty changing table, located about two feet inside the bathroom door.

So everyone who comes in or out has to squeeze by you, your soiled baby, and the poo-cloths you are flailing around with.

I recently lost the changing mat that came with my super cute and stripey diaper bag. And so I've been carrying around large trash bags. I'm typically kind of embarrassed to change my kid on a trash bag, but in this instance, I felt lucky.

There we were, baby on a trash bag, removing his massive, poo-sodden diaper, his socks, which somehow got poo on them, and his poo-laden onesie. Trying to keep him calm. Which was kind of impossible, because of the fucking hand dryers.

These hand dryers! They are those mega-dry ones - but not as nice as the kind at Founding Farmers that I would to put my penis in if I had one. They rippled your hand skin, they were so strong. They sounded goddamn jets taking off.

So we'd be all, wipe, wipe, "It's OK, sweetie!"

And then someone would stick their hands under. WHOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!

And he would flinch, all, "HOLY FUCK! WAAAAAAAAH!"

They scared the shit out of him - ha - every time one went off.

So we finally, finally got him unpooified, into a new diaper, new clothes, and off the trash bag and into the stroller.

He was traumatized. He was hungry. And really, he needed some Comfort Boob.

We were traumatized. We needed to sit down.

So Betty suggested we head over to Furniture. She'd seen a couch.

Which led us to install ourselves on Trendy Sofa or whatever it was called. To settle in for a good lunch.

Except for the very public nature of it - the sofa is up on a display stand - it was pretty ideal. Which is a very large except.

Because nearly the entire Target-shopping world and every single employee walked by as we hung out. Which in that instance, bothered me not one bit.

Truth be told, I was kind of itching for a fight. I was all angry about the bathroom and ready to give them the stinkeye and be all kinds of salty if anyone told me I couldn't nurse on display furniture.

You'd think I'd feel vulnerable, but somehow, I felt empowered. Like, I am woman, I can feed my child with my very own boobs, right here on this display couch, and just you try to fuck with me.

But nobody said a word.

Well, one man did, but very jovially. He asked if we were going to hold a meeting at the table behind us after our meal.


  1. Comfort boob, eh? If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one.

    I cannot even imagine doing poo detail on location. It sounds horrible!

  2. Poor jumpy Big J. The kid needed a drink. I cannot blame him.

  3. Your Target sounds much nicer than mine (except for the dirty bathroom). Furniture displays? We can only dream...

  4. people always leave you alone when you're feeling salty. it's a shame.

  5. I've always thought that restroom changing tables were kind of gross - I'd rather use a nice huge trash bag as a liner than the dainty ones that come with the bag.

    And anyone who'd mess with a nursing mom on a display couch is clearly not thinking things through.

  6. Lisa, I'd have loved to hear the salty version that could have been, lol. Poor Big J. That's a tough one for a wee guy...ladies room, poo, loud whooshy noises and lots of women - totally deserving of his comfort boob: )

  7. Love, love this story and Target. Just got back from there in fact!

    A discovery that was passed onto me, and might save your life. Ok, not really, but I swear it is one of the best baby items ever.

    Over by all the baby supplies, there are 'paper pads' I think there is a pic of a lady w/ a baby on her shoulder. They come in 3 sizes. I used the medium ones on her changing table so if a little poo gets on there it's on the paper, not the cloth and I can just toss it out instead of washing.

    They also come in big sizes. I use those at the public changing tables b/c that way you don't have to set your pretty reusable changing pad on the nasty table, fill it with germs and then place directly into your diaper bag - you just throw it away w/ the diaper!

    Seriously, those and the Boppy are my #1 suggestions to everyone I know.

  8. Sorry for the long winded comment followed by another comment. Here they are:

    I am so excited to share b/c they are that awesome that I had to find them for you and any other mom's who read this!

    Oh, I was also eating a salad from Target while posting a comment about Target on a post about Target. Hmmm.

  9. Ugh. I really, really had to go while I was at the Columbia Heights metro stop, and my thought process was, "The target is nice, therefore, the bathrooms will be nice."

    Wrong Wrong Wrong. The first three stalls I tried had not been flushed. The floor was wet. It was. So. Gross.

  10. OMG, the hand dryers. The first time I was in a Target bathroom and someone fired one of those things up, I swear, I thought a damn plane was preparing for takeoff *in* the bathroom.

    If anyone told you to get off the couch, you could have just told them you were trying it out. Can't just buy these things before the Comfort Boob test.

  11. freckledk - THAT made me laugh out loud!

    Lemmonex - We all needed a drink, really.

    Susan H - Minus the bathrooms, it's the nicest one I've been in. Two floors, nice escalators and elevators, a Starbucks...

    Hillary - It is a crying shame, that's for sure.

    Dagny - It turned out remarkably well. I'd have been twitchy using my little one on there.

    And they would've been sorry to mess with me. Definitely.

    Kate - I know, poor little Big J. It was a big trauma.

    Canaan - THIS is a fantastic idea! I need these! Thank you so much! Sometimes changing tables have these, but most don't and I should totally carry my own. And I totally agree with the Boppy! Love it love it love it.

    Sealz - I know! Usually Target bathrooms are decent. And the store is so nice!

    lisa - yes, horrendous, no? Do they have to be that loud?

    And you are so right. That would've been perfect.

  12. and to think, my target visit isn't complete without a purchase from the $1 Bargain Bins.
    i've got nuthin on you and Poo-n-Boobs (get it, like Puss-n-Boots)

  13. I am going to urge every dieter I know to read your description of that bathroom. It'll be awhile before I ease my way back to food.


    (Found you from Arjewtino's old blogroll)

  14. baby on a trash bag and the three of you on a display couch. it just doesn't get better than this!

  15. Off topic but in about 2 years, DON'T let Big J out of your sight in the dressing room or he will lock himself in and that's when you'll notice the doors go all the way down to the floor and are about 8 feet tall.

  16. I actually can't go to a Target without having to poo. It's weird, like my brain see's the red and white target and thinks, oh yes! Time to poo!

  17. Gah! This is my favorite post of yours in forever.

    "Trying to keep him calm. Which was kind of impossible, because of the fucking hand dryers."

    You're simply hilarious, my dear.

  18. Lisa - You're an amazing Mom. Loved this post! Can totally picture you, Betty and Jordan on the couch stage at Target!

    Totally frightened by the escalator ramp thing. Really glad Targets in Austin are 1 story.

  19. The visual I have of you, your mom, & wee sweet Babe up on the furniture dias is fantastic. I love it! =-) And anyway, it's not like Target on 14th St. has seen Waaaaay more crazy stuff than that. ;-)

  20. I laughed and laughed and laughed so hard and SO much! Thank you Lisa!


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