Thursday, November 18, 2010

One of those kinds of posts, and also a poll that normal people are unlikely to want to participate in

So you know how sometimes you're working out, and everything is going great, except for one thing?

And that one thing is as follows: You really need to fart.

I'm sure you're all, "Oh hell no, I'm not even going to keep reading, and I don't even want to know what this poll is going to be like."

I can't blame you. But back to the gym.

You need to but of course you don't want to, because, well, because.

So you try to hold it but then you realize that you can't really lift weights and clench your sphincter. And if you release mid-lift, it's likely that it'll be loud and thus obvious that it is you. So you decide to just sneak off into a corner.

Which you do.

You saunter unobtrusively. Like you just really needed to stretch, and that empty corner was kind of perfect.

And while it's not a fart of death, it's not something you want to linger in, but you also don't want to make it look like you weren't actually stretching in the corner.

But before you can evacuate the area, and unfortunately, before the stench has dissipated, another patron of the gym walks over to grab a floor mat and strolls purposefully into the zone of evil.

There is no way this could be blamed on anyone else.

The best way to deal with this, considering that this is the gym in your office building and odds are good you will see this person again, is:

A. Say, "Oh, excuse me."
B. Stroll away as nonchalantly as possible, pretending not to notice, but then having to avoid eye contact for the rest of the time in the gym and maybe into eternity.
C. Head for the locker room and get the hell out as fast as possible.
D. I have no idea. This would never happen to me. Even if I ever farted, which I don't, it wouldn't be in public.
E. What is wrong with you? Seriously.


  1. I think I'd go with a mix of A and B? I'd probably acknowledge the person, stick around for a few seconds to, you know, finish that last stretch, then go back to my workout.

  2. This is one of the many reasons why I'm glad i work out at home, with an exercise dvd. All I need to worry about is disturbing the people in the flat underneath me with my elephant-like shakes of the floor every time I jump up and down.

    Far better than worrying about farting...

  3. B. After blushing furiously of course.

  4. i believe it's a mix of B and D. for point D it's crucial to own a dog and especially so if it's one that's ALWAYS wherever you are.

  5. I vote B. With the added mix of throwing the person walking by a dirty look like, "Really? You think that YOU can walk up to me here and fart?"

  6. B! And I'd live in fear of ever seeing the person again.

  7. I'm laughing hysterically in my cube right now! B for sure.

  8. Yeah, I'm a B sort of person. Though I am known to add an A too. I mean, just as everybody poops, everybody farts. And the gym totally makes for more farting than usual because, ya know, stuff is moving.

  9. B, definitely. But I'd also look around with a yucky look as if to make the person think I'm trying to figure out who/what polluted the air.

  10. B. Or maybe some C too. But sometimes there are just phantom smells, and they can't be blamed on anyone. And maybe they'll think that you don't look like the type of girl that would fart?

  11. I'd say B or C- depending on how the rest of my day had gone...

  12. hell I would just ignore the whole episode I mean come on everyone farts and it does sometimes happen at the worst possible moment. Like the utube video where a lady is filming an exercise video, you know actually making it for those of us who buy them and never use them, and she farts in the middle of doing a stretching exercise....well the guy and two girls behind her, because they always have a couple of people doing the exercises in the background as well just collapsed on the floor laughing and rolling around and you hear some say 'cuut' to stop the filming lol.

  13. Pretend your a guy and ignore the whole problem by farting exactly where you are. Or all of the above.

  14. Stevie - The "acknowledge the person" part makes me giggle. Hi! Come join me in the fart zone!

    P - That is a definite benefit of working out at home. Unfortunately, I'm usually either too busy with the kid or so unmotivated at home.

    Hillary - Now that you say that, I realize I used to blush a lot more than I do now!

    jen - Yes - dogs are totally helpful for that, and so often truly to blame. Maybe I can start blaming my kid...

    Lynsey - That idea has me giggling. I can't believe you just walked over here and farted! Hahaha!

    Dana - I know I would totally tell a friend of mine about the farter in the gym. Because I am hugely immature like that.

    Tia - Hahaha - and if anyone asks, you can't really say, "oh, I'm laughing at a fart poll" without sounding really weird.

    swaaaan - You are right! Stuff just gets moving. This explains a lot - I never connected it before.

    Luna - So funny! I would totally give that look if there were more people around to blame it on.

    Susan H - I definitely bank on not looking like that type of girl. Unfortunately, I can never get away with that at home.

    Maiden Metallurgist - I went with B but definitely considered C.

    Go-Betty - I must find that clip and watch it. Hilarious!

    Lynn - This is so awesome. And so true!

    tamater sammich - I always like Lynn's comments. She's so funny.

  15. B minus the avoiding eye contact part. I'm proud of my smells. Not really. I lie.

  16. B for me. But sometimes farts happen without warning or ability to control. Then do what Lynn said.

  17. I would go with Option F (were I biologically capable of tooting publicly, which I am not, of course because I am a dainty ladybird). Option F entails issuing a loud we're-all-in-this-together warning to the person walking over, "Fair warning, it smells horrific over here but the culprit seems to have left. It's soooo gross. Can you believe people?" I call this the Doth Protest Too Much Methodology.

  18. Or you could just simply stare at them then thank them for being the guilty party of this offense. ;)

  19. how about a loud, boastful 'yeaaaaah- THAT was me!' then sling your towel over your shoulder and strut away.

    personally, i save up all of mine for when i'm in the elevator with the rude guy from down the hall.

  20. Definitely B with a look like "who the hell made that stench?" and probably C, too!

    This also happens if you have your own office. Then you're really screwed and have to just pretend that you don't smell the stench that's peeling paint off the walls. If you're lucky, the person that has walked in will do the same.

  21. Nicole - I was going to be very impressed. I think the maintaining eye contact would make you more credible to the other person, you know?

    kayare - I think Lynn's advice is solid and a great fallback.

    Brunch Bird - I can completely see you saying that sincerely AND getting away with it! Absolutely.

    Just Plain Tired - There is noooo way I would be able to do that with a straight face.

    aimeec - I love that strategy! There are definitely people I'd like to fart-bomb.

    cla517 - Oh, yes. And that is so terrible in your own office. It's best to leave for a few minutes.

  22. Just thought I'd let you know that I farted in yoga today. not on purpose though. Luckily the instructor was talking, it was an early class and nobody heard it.

  23. B. then say, "What is that smell?" and fan yourself while you walk away non-chalantly. I know, it's weak but will thow them off momentarily and buy you time while your making your exit.


Tell me about it.